


sometimes to get to god, first you gotta meet the devil.

by junfhongs



Category: NU'EST
Genre: Character Death, Doppelganger, Explicit Sexual Content — Chapter 9, Grim Reapers, Heavy Angst, M/M, Modern Fantasy, Sexual Content — Chapter 5, Slow Burn, With A Twist, grim reaper!Aron, grim reaper!Dongho, grim reaper!Minhyun, grim reaper!Minki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-01-26 03:07:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 40,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12547456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junfhongs/pseuds/junfhongs
Summary: grim reaper!AU. people were never meant to ask favors from the grim reaper. Jonghyun was starting to learn that the list of consequences never seemed to end.





	1. Chapter 1

It was raining.

Jonghyun slipped on a cracked tile and landed on his knees, skin stinging as the friction rubbed his knees raw. He wanted to throw up, rain and tears and vomit mixing on the filthy ground of the temple he found himself in, but nothing came out. He wiped away the invisible tears on his face, and wet dirt took their place. It was wrong, this was all wrong, _this couldn't be…_

"Please," he whispered, barely hearing his voice through the furious pattering of rain on the ground, "to any god up there, to anyone who can hear me, _please bring him back._ " Jonghyun sobbed into his hands, the same hands that held Minhyun's lifeless face as they told him that Minhyun was _gone._ "Bring him back please! He's all I have; he's all I'll ever love, _please, please, please—_ "

_"Shut up."_

Jonghyun suddenly couldn't breathe. The rain was cold, but something was even more painfully chilling in the air. "I-If you're out there," Jonghyun whispered, nails digging into his palms, " _please_ listen to me. Please bring him back to me. I'll do anything, I'll give _everything_. I love Hwang Minhyun; don't take him away from me."

_"Shut up!"_

Jonghyun suddenly stood when he heard the same voice hissing at him through the raindrops. He felt a presence behind him, hidden in the shadows of the temple, but he couldn't find the strength in his body to turn around. If he died now, at least he could be with Minhyun—

 _"Stop."_ The rain stopped, but the air suddenly felt ten degrees colder. _"Stop thinking."_

"Who— who's there?" whispered Jonghyun.

_"Are you truly willing to give up anything for this Hwang Minhyun's soul?"_

Jonghyun turned to face the voice, gasping when he made eye contact with a man in black whose whole face covered by the shadow of a large hat. Jonghyun's ducked his eyes. "I would. Do you have the power to… to bring him back?"

The man chuckled, and Jonghyun felt his knees grow weak. Something about this encounter didn't feel right. "I have _all_ the power over this man's life. But first," he held out his palm, "I need to know this man. Give me something valuable of his."

"I—" Jonghyun dug through his pockets. There must be something, anything— _aha._ Jonghyun got the ring from his coat pocket, the same ring that Minhyun had worn right before he died. "This is our promise ring. He hasn't taken it off in years, only now that he's… dead." Jonghyun's voice cracked. "This is valuable."

The man in black sighed and turned away. "You clearly do not know what's important to this man. Who gave you the right to ask for his soul back?"

Jonghyun's world felt like it was collapsing. This was his chance, probably his _only_ chance to get Minhyun back. No, no, no, _no;_ he wasn't going to let this slip away— "Me."

The figure turned around. Jonghyun kept his eyes trained on the cracked tile that he slipped on. "Take me. I'm most important to him, and he's most important to me. I— I'm the most valuable thing he owns."

"Really?" The voice suddenly changed into something softer, more familiar. A finger tipped Jonghyun's chin up, and he stumbled back when his eyes met Minhyun's. The atmosphere changed. "I see." He got every detail, even the smallest lilt of Minhyun's voice and how it would change whenever he was talking to Jonghyun.

"You— you aren't planning on taking Minhyun's body, right? To replace his soul with yours?" Jonghyun was shaking. This _impostor_ was so convincing, but seeing Minhyun's face being worn by another soul made his stomach sick. "This isn't what I wanted. I don't want anyone else's soul; I want _Minhyun._ "

The impostor laughed again, and this time, the rain came back in full force. "You… are special. I think you do deserve to have your little wish granted." He started pacing, and every step he took seemed to be even more thunderous than the rain. "First, the Grim Reaper would like to set his rules."

Jonghyun's eyes widened. He hadn't realized… this was a _dangerous_ deal. "I— I don't want to—"

"Oh _no,_ " the Grim Reaper said, eyes narrowing, "there's nothing I hate more than people without conviction." He stopped pacing. "Death is final and inevitable, but I've decided to twist that a little bit. It's either you walk into this deal with all you have, or you accept the death of your beloved, even if you could have done something about it."

Jonghyun was shaking. He couldn't back out, not anymore. "Tell me your conditions. I… can do it for Minhyun."

"Good," the Grim Reaper whispered. "His soul shall be returned to his body, but all his memories and the memories of the people who know you both will be rewritten."

"Rewritten? What do you—"

 _"Silence!"_ The Reaper's voice echoed throughout the temple. Jonghyun learned to shrink into himself even further. "You do not exist to him the way you used to. Everyone has lived their life differently from what you knew, and no one in the entire world will remember your version of events. You… are essentially a stranger."

Jonghyun gasped, but he let his tears flow instead of his words. It wouldn't change the Grim Reaper's conditions, even if he begged further.

"You can _never_ meet with Minhyun." Jonghyun's eyes shot up, but the impostor Minhyun staring back at him lacked all of the warmth in Minhyun's eyes that always comforted Jonghyun. "The consequences depend. It could hurt him, it could even kill him, but it will most _definitely_ kill you. Situations will shift, circumstances will never line up correctly, and life will throw you as far as possible from him." The Grim Reaper paused for a long time, waiting for Jonghyun to meet his eyes. "These are the consequences of your selfish desire to change the course of life and death. Do you accept?"

Jonghyun stood his ground, afraid to open his mouth and let the sobs escape his lips. Was this right? Did he do the right thing by begging to the gods for a second chance with Minhyun and receiving… _the Grim Reaper_ instead? And Minhyun… poor Minhyun wouldn't even know about the life they lived, about the happiness they felt.

But would he even suffer? Ignorance is bliss, and Jonghyun would be the only one to live with those memories. He would be the only one with the memory of happiness but no means of ever reliving it. This was his punishment.

Jonghyun's knees were still shaking. The Grim Reaper had turned around and walked a bit farther, giving Jonghyun a little more space to think. He needed to see Minhyun, just one more time. He needed that smile, that kiss, the final taste of a love he may never experience again. "Can I… see him? For the last time?"

The Grim Reaper paused, put his hat back on, and turned to face Jonghyun. Something about the pensiveness in his eyes made Jonghyun hope for a moment, and he thought he felt the slightest bit of pain and empathy when he met the impostor Minhyun's eyes.

_"No."_

… and it all faded away, from his surroundings to his resolve to his hope that he would ever see the Minhyun that he loved ever again.

 

 

———

 

 

Jonghyun woke up on his bed, in his apartment, where nothing was out of place. He checked the date on his phone. _Tomorrow._ Time passed, and everything was as it was supposed to be.

But he glanced again at his phone and dropped it to the floor when he saw a picture of the sea instead of a picture of him with Minhyun staring at the horizon, wrapped in each other's arms as the waves attempted to reach out to them. He walked out of his room, and each picture that he had with Minhyun hanging on the walls or lying on tables were gone, it was all _gone._ He looked at his messages, his profile, his photos— _gone._

He fell on his bed, heart twisting as his world seemed to narrow. Jonghyun couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't process the fact that the life he was living was now a lie, a fantasy of all things.

The Grim Reaper did it. He _really_ did it. He managed to change and to ruin Jonghyun's life in his sleep, as he remained blissfully unaware of the world shifting and turning around him.

Jonghyun would be the only person in the world to remember the way Minhyun would hold his hand inside their coat pockets, the way Minhyun would sing to him while they stood on the balcony watching the city move around them, the way Minhyun would grin at him when he picked Jonghyun up after work, the way they would lie down on the couch and watch dramas together and laugh at the stupidity of the characters, the way Minhyun would hug him from behind and hold his hand, the way—

His phone vibrated, and Jonghyun took that as his cue to wipe away his damn tears. It wouldn't… change anything. This is the price he had to pay.

_'Go to work. Live your life. The world keeps turning, and it won't stop just for you.'_

The message was from an unknown number, but Jonghyun knew it was the Grim Reaper. Only he would dare dictate Jonghyun like this, toying with his life the way he just did. Jonghyun stepped into the shower, put on his clothes, bought himself breakfast, and walked to work the way he normally would. The bubbling resentment, the fury directed towards the Grim Reaper but mostly himself— it could wait. _The world keeps turning, indeed._

Except… Jonghyun's world always stopped when he saw Minhyun. Ever since they first met in university, Minhyun had the strange power of making Jonghyun's breath catch in his throat, of looking so positively gorgeous that Jonghyun just had to stop and smile for a moment. Jonghyun didn't know if this was a dream, if the Minhyun he saw with his phone pressed to his cheek across the street was the real Minhyun whose lifeless hands he held just last night. He didn't know if this was the Minhyun whose soul he saved by sacrificing his sanity to an omnipotent Grim Reaper.

Jonghyun needed to reach out, to make sure— _"Don't."_

Jonghyun turned to his side and saw Minhy— _the impostor_ posing as Minhyun standing beside him. Jonghyun clenched his fist and wanted to swing at him, to tell him to take off that mask and let him be with his Minhyun. The Grim Reaper seemed to have read his mind, and his eyes were even colder than ever as they met Jonghyun's.

"It will _kill_ you," he warned.

Jonghyun couldn't look away from his eyes. The Minhyun lookalike beside him was unflinching, but as the sun hit his face just right, Jonghyun felt his breath catch in his throat, the way it normally would when he saw Minhyun. The Grim Reaper really got every detail right, and Jonghyun's fist slowly unfurled.

The entire crosswalk was taken aback when a speeding car rushed past them as the light turned green for pedestrians. Jonghyun jumped back and realized that if he ran to chase after Minhyun, he would have been crushed against that car and he would have died _._ It would have killed him. _Literally_.

When Jonghyun looked to the side to thank the Grim Reaper for saving his life—and Minhyun's too—he found himself standing alone in a crowd of furious citizens. They all walked forward hesitantly to start their days and move on with their lives.

Jonghyun was stuck to his roots, eyes searching for someone across the street. Briefly, he found Minhyun going down to the subway platform. Jonghyun's legs suddenly found the strength to move, but the crowd was suffocating him and holding him back.

Minhyun looked back briefly, sensitive to the feeling of eyes on him, but he shrugged it off and kept walking down, out of Jonghyun's sight, _out of Jonghyun's life._

Jonghyun was ushered by the ever-moving crowd, back into the platform of safety. He sighed and wiped away the tear that must have fallen. _That's enough for today._ Jonghyun gripped his bag and kept walking, ignoring the eyes that he felt on his back. If that were the Grim Reaper, he didn't have to know how Jonghyun cried, how he broke as he realized the empty life he had to live from now on.

Jonghyun got what he wanted. He didn't realize the price he had to pay was worse than simply losing his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! this will be a bit heavier than my usual fics, and i promise to actually complete this multichap!!!!  
> it's not exactly a grim reaper au based on goblin (the kdrama), but it is heavily influenced by it. more details on the au will be explored as the fic goes on.
> 
> please comment and tell me what you think so far!!! <3
> 
> will be adding tags as i go  
> title from Epik High – People Scare Me  
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien)!!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: depressive/suicidal thoughts

He didn't think this far ahead, hadn't realized that so much would have changed until he stared at the ceiling for a few hours and realized that he was totally, completely alone.

Jonghyun scrolled through his profile and attempted to catch up on his life, but it was barer than he expected. He was… an office worker, as he had been, but there were no vacation trips, no ramen dates, no candid pictures taken without his permission. It was like looking at a stranger's life from the outside, and Jonghyun found himself _judging._ Was this really who he was without Minhyun in his life?

Jonghyun laughed at himself, and he found himself itching for a bottle of beer or something, which he never really searched for before. The absurdity of it all made his stomach hurt with laughter; was this how he would spiral down? Alone, on his bed, laughing until the light streaming through his blinds came from streetlights to sunlight?

"You're pathetic," a voice said from the corner of his room. Jonghyun jumped up, eyes darting around to look for a weapon. The voice laughed, and Jonghyun felt his blood run cold when he recognized _Minhyun's_ laughter, devoid of the warmth that it usually held. The figure stepped forward, and it was the impostor wearing Minhyun's face. Jonghyun didn't know why he was so surprised.

"Fuck off," he mumbled, not caring if he was pissing off someone with the power of a god.

"Shame. I was about to give you something," the Grim Reaper said. Jonghyun heard the sound of a can opening and turned to face the man. "Want one?" He held out a can of beer.

Jonghyun shrugged and caught the extra can that the Reaper tossed at him. Drinking with the Grim Reaper? Just add it to the list of unexplainable events in Jonghyun's life this past week.

They stayed in silence for a while. The alcohol did nothing to calm Jonghyun's nerves or to stop him from despairing again. The Grim Reaper laughed again, probably listening to Jonghyun's thoughts. If he were being honest, it was a lot darker, a lot scarier than anything Jonghyun had ever thought of before.

"Really. You _are_ pathetic," the impostor said. He faced the window and parted the curtains with a wave of his hand. He turned his head slightly, just enough to get a glimpse of Jonghyun's empty gaze. "You want to die?"

Jonghyun laughed bitterly, and he tossed the empty can at the Grim Reaper. He simply waved it away, turning the can into ashes with a single touch. Jonghyun couldn't even pretend to be surprised at this point. Still, the untapped power standing across him in his bedroom made Jonghyun shiver. He was _really_ tempting a god at this point. "Am I… ungrateful? For wanting to die?"

The Reaper laughed, and Jonghyun jolted when he suddenly saw him appear by his dresser, looking through the trinkets and knickknacks that Jonghyun had collected over the years. He was glad when he saw that his apartment still held some of the material things that reminded him of Minhyun, even if none of the memories attached to them were real at this point.

"You are, in fact," the impostor played with a mirror cube while leaning on Jonghyun's closet, solving it in mere seconds, "the most selfless mortal I've ever known."

Jonghyun breath got caught in his throat. His face was starting to warm up, taken aback by the words that came from the face of someone he loved, but the compliment felt more like an insult with the way the Reaper said it. "Really. I've never seen a mortal sacrifice their life to save someone then ask to _die_ a week a later." The Grim Reaper chuckled. "Selfless? Yes. Interesting? Definitely." He looked over at Jonghyun's sunken form. "Idiotic? Even more so."

Jonghyun hugged his knees to his chest. The deep breaths and constant movement weren't enough to stop the tears from building up in his eyes. He hated this, hated crying so much, hated how he just wanted to stop breathing. His skin was itching from within, telling him to get out of this as fast as possible. He felt so sick, so tired—

"Stop thinking," the Reaper said. "If I couldn't read minds, I could probably still hear you."

Jonghyun grit his teeth. "Don't talk to me like that."

"Like what?" The Grim Reaper crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"Like… you know me. Don't talk to me with that face, like you know me the way Minhyun does," whispered Jonghyun. "Don't talk to me the way Minhyun would."

His gaze softened, and the Grim Reaper shook his head. "That's an odd request."

Jonghyun felt himself deflate when those eyes lingered on him. Oh, he _missed_ Minhyun so much. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?" Jonghyun knew he was just amusing the Reaper at this point.

"Like Minhyun would," said Jonghyun, voice shaking at his name. He knew how that gaze should make him feel. He knew that those eyes and those lips and that smile would always remind him of the little moments he shared with Minhyun: the way Minhyun's sleepy eyes would meet Jonghyun's as they woke up together; the way those eyes would crinkle as Minhyun smiled at him; the way Minhyun would stare at Jonghyun as he talked about his day, as if Jonghyun's boring life was the most interesting thing Minhyun had ever heard of; the way Minhyun kept his gaze locked onto Jonghyun that entire night in the club; and the way his eyes darkened as he pulled Jonghyun in for that kiss outside Jonghyun's apartment, the first of too many.

The Grim Reaper's laughter was enough to make Jonghyun's heart sink. His laughter echoed in the room the way Minhyun's would when he saw something funny on his phone or when he thought Jonghyun was being particularly embarrassing or cute. If he were facing his Minhyun right now, Jonghyun knew that he would be laughing too, and Minhyun would hug him at the waist and press their foreheads together and Jonghyun would feel… okay.

"Don't even—" The Reaper took a step forward and teleported in front of Jonghyun. "Just stop it—"

The Grim Reaper tilted his chin up and held his jaw. "Do you want to die?" he whispered. In the silence, even the sound of the city humming outside the window felt deafening.

Jonghyun gasped, and his skin was adjusting to the coldness of the Reaper's hand. His skin was like ice; Jonghyun felt his skin burning, but he couldn't find the strength to pull away. Those eyes… Minhyun's eyes were piercing into his soul right now, and Jonghyun almost felt it slipping out of his body the longer he held that gaze. It felt like that night in the temple again, and Jonghyun was afraid that he would be giving up more than just his happiness this time.

"Can you… do that?" Jonghyun gulped. His skin was really starting to burn, but he was hypnotized by the way Minhyun's eyes crinkled as he smiled.

"If I could only do one thing, Jonghyun," he jolted when he heard his name, "toying with your life might be it. But haven't you learned your lesson? _I don't grant wishes for free._ "

The spell was broken. Jonghyun shut his eyes and clenched his fist; for a moment, he believed he was with Minhyun. Even with the ice cold hands on his face and the unnatural glow of those eyes, Jonghyun wanted to believe that he wasn't staring straight at death. His stomach churned in fear; what was he _doing?_

"Get your hands off me," Jonghyun mumbled with no heat, not having the strength to fight a god tonight.

The impostor stroked Jonghyun's jaw before he let go, and Jonghyun gasped when he felt the air striking his cold skin. The Grim Reaper teleported to the door with a hand on the doorknob. "Call me," he said when the pause grew too long, "if you ever feel lonely."

Jonghyun looked up at him, confusion taking over his expression. "What?"

"I'll know anyway; you wouldn't really need to." He chuckled at himself again, but his eyes were clearer, brighter when they finally landed on Jonghyun. "Ask for me, and you shall receive."

"Who said I would ever—" He was gone before Jonghyun could even finish the sentence.

Jonghyun hugged his knees again, and his phone lit up to remind him that time was passing, the world kept turning, and he was alone. The funny thing was… even if he denied it, he felt like calling out to the Reaper right now, just so that he wouldn't feel so lonely in a world that erased him from the people who were most important to him once.

 _"See you soon,"_ he heard in the back of his mind.

 

 

———

 

 

Jonghyun didn't know why he was so nervous to have lunch with people that were basically his closest friends now. Jonghyun's hands were shaking as he opened his box of takeout and sat with Daniel, Seongwoo, and Hyunbin in the pantry, the three of them already joking around as they usually did. Jonghyun was always content with just sitting by and watching them; he didn't know why Hyunbin looked extra concerned today.

"Is… something wrong?" he asked, and it took Jonghyun a while to realize that it was directed to him. Jonghyun stopped eating, and he felt himself shrink when three concerned gazes landed on him.

"Of course? Does it seem like there's something wrong with me?" He didn't mean to sound so… _defensive,_ but what else could he say? He was constantly on edge, wondering if he was a different person from the Jonghyun in everyone's memories. It turns out he was doing exactly what he was trying to avoid, and now they knew something was different. _Everything was different._

"You've been quiet lately," said Daniel.

"I mean, you've always been quiet," Seongwoo said. He seemed a bit hesitant to keep going, which was uncharacteristic for Seongwoo. "This time, it just happened out of nowhere, but we realized we haven't heard you talk or laugh for a whole _week._ Are we boring you? _Are you breaking up with us?_ "

Jonghyun snorted, and he felt the atmosphere lighten as soon as they got a glimpse of his smile. He was a bit comforted at the thought that not everything had changed, that Seongwoo still kept that wit and charm, that Daniel still laughed and smiled as if he had never been happier before, and that Hyunbin still looked at him with stars in his eyes most of the time.

"I'm fine. I guess I've been a bit down, but that's nothing now," said Jonghyun, afraid to let on too much. He wasn't in the mood to be treated like he was insane, so he decided that keeping his deal with the Grim Reaper to himself for the rest of his life might be the best idea. "I'm… okay."

"Hey. That's good." Daniel fixed his tie and smiled again. "We were really worried for a while. It's not exactly easy to ask someone if they're alright."

"Jonghyun's strong," Seongwoo said softly. Their phones all rang, and he cursed under his breath. "And we're late for a meeting. Fuck."

"I'll clean up here. My department's not needed for that," said Jonghyun, piling up the empty boxes and waving them away. " _Go._ Hyerin would hate it if you were any later."

"Thanks, Jonghyun! You're the best," Hyunbin yelled as the three of them tossed on their coats and ran to the conference room.

Jonghyun found himself staring at the sink as he was washing their used cups. The sinking feeling in his chest diminished, and the urge to tear his skin off seemed to vanish. He could breathe again. Jonghyun took that opportunity to inhale then release a shaky breath. He could live. Things were okay.

"You alright?"

Jonghyun jumped back when the sudden presence to his left made itself known. The Reaper chuckled again, and Jonghyun resisted the urge to throw a mug at his head. "What are you doing here? I didn't ask for you."

The Minhyun lookalike smiled and ruffled his hair. Jonghyun found himself staring; Minhyun was always so charming when he did that. "You didn't have to; I told you I knew when you were lonely."

"I'm… actually feeling better for once," said Jonghyun. He turned off the faucet and dried his hands, turning to lean on the counter while the Grim Reaper stood beside him. They both stared at the flickering fluorescent lights, and this silence felt a lot more comforting than the one from a few nights ago.

"I guess I was just afraid." Jonghyun picked on the hem of his sleeves. "I thought… everyone would change. I was afraid that no one would be like the people that I knew and that I was going to be a stranger to them the way they were all strangers to me."

"And are they?" Jonghyun felt the air grow colder as the Grim Reaper inched closer to him. "Can you really say they're the same?"

"They're not. They don't know everything we've gone through. They don't know how much I love Minhyun, how much _they_ loved Minhyun," said Jonghyun. "And even if they were the same," Jonghyun stared hard at the floor, " _I'm_ not."

Jonghyun sighed and tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling. They really needed to get this pantry renovated; the paint was peeling off everywhere. So mundane, so _boring_ , but it helped Jonghyun realize that he was in a lot less suffering now. If Jonghyun numbed all of his other senses enough, he could feel the dull pain of acceptance sitting in his stomach.

He made a mistake. Everything changed. Until now, he still didn't know if sacrificing his happiness for Minhyun's soul was worth it.

"I can't answer that," the Minhyun impostor said suddenly. When their eyes met, Jonghyun could feel him poking into his mind. Jonghyun glared at the Reaper and waited until he looked away and chuckled. "I'll leave your mind alone, I promise." He paused. "Please stop cursing at me; I can still hear you."

Jonghyun found himself smiling genuinely for once, and he was about to thank the Reaper for the little amusement he felt when he saw that the person beside him was already gone.

 _Alright then,_ he thought to himself _. See you soon._

 

 

———

 

 

Jonghyun found himself calling out for the Reaper more often than he expected. Sometimes he didn't even notice that someone was walking beside him already, but the Reaper hated waiting for someone else to start the conversation and made his presence known. It was funny how that reminded Jonghyun of Minhyun and his inability to shut up. On his good days, the Grim Reaper was a lot like that— like _him._

Jonghyun didn't know if there were consequences to inviting the Grim Reaper into his house almost every night; then again, he wasn't one to believe in superstition. After a while, the disbelief ran out. The Grim Reaper standing in his kitchen was okay with eating noodles every night, though he liked to look down at Jonghyun for only having that in his cupboards ever since the real Minhyun moved out of his apartment and his life.

"You know, if you don't die of your own volition, I'll still be the one to take your soul from the hospital after you die of eating too much sodium," said the Grim Reaper as he took a hesitant bite of instant noodles. "And I would laugh at you."

"Thanks, asshole," Jonghyun murmured, and he slurped loudly to prove that he didn't really care. "Next time you come here, don't expect a meal."

"Please," the Reaper put his bowl down, " _never_ feed me again."

The two of them laughed, and Jonghyun found himself smiling at the end of it, gazing at a Minhyun who had to cover his face to stop laughing. _Strange._ The Grim Reaper on his good days was almost like… a good friend.

On his bad days, the Grim Reaper was a mystery that Jonghyun could never decipher.

Jonghyun was walking home, a little tired from another week of mindless work, when he saw a familiar figure in the park close to his apartment building. Usually, he would just mind his own business and keep walking, wanting to be at home as soon as possible, but something pulled him to head towards that park bench and take a seat without even glancing at the man beside him.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, and he received silence as a response.

"I guess," the Grim Reaper started, "I'm a little lonely too."

Jonghyun was honestly surprised. He didn't think— well, no one would really expect an omnipotent being to feel something akin to loneliness, not when they have the power to do anything they wanted and be anyone they wanted to be. Jonghyun didn't want to ask why or when he started feeling that way. In a sense, Jonghyun could read the Reaper's mind without needing the ability to read minds. An immortal existence was probably lonely, and Jonghyun was the only one who could really see and interact with the Reaper with full knowledge of who and what he was.

It took a while for either of them to break the silence. "Do you still want to die?" the Grim Reaper asked.

Jonghyun chuckled and shook his head. "That came out of nowhere."

"You were very earnest in your desire to die just a few days ago," said the Reaper. "What happened? How do mortals change so quickly?"

Jonghyun scratched the back of his neck, unsure of how to really answer that. "I just don't think dying is the easy way out anymore."

"Isn't it?" The confusion in his voice was earnest too. "I wouldn't know; death is my life."

"I…" Jonghyun stood up and took a few steps back to see the Grim Reaper properly. The man wearing Minhyun's face looked at him oddly, as if he were trying to get into his mind. Jonghyun couldn't feel that foreign presence though. There was no one looming over his thoughts anymore; Jonghyun didn't know if it was because he couldn't do it or if it was because he decided not to.

The vulnerability in the Minhyun lookalike's eyes jolted Jonghyun back to reality. "Walk me home?" Jonghyun asked, knowing that they both needed to get out of his conversation before it led to anything darker.

The Reaper seemed to be taken aback at the sudden request. "Why?"

Jonghyun shrugged. "Because I'm afraid of feeling lonely," he looked into those familiarly unfamiliar eyes, "and so are you."

The Grim Reaper stood, a bit hesitant, and he dug his hands into the pockets of his coat. The nights were getting colder, but Jonghyun didn't think someone with skin of ice would be sensitive to it. "Let's go," he said, voice flat and eyes empty once again.

Every time Jonghyun got a glimpse of humanity from the Grim Reaper, he was quickly reminded that it wasn't real, that his very form was copied from Jonghyun's memory of the man he loved. Jonghyun still didn't know _why_ he had to do it, but seeing a familiar face—even with a personality that alternated between cool detachment and a semblance of Minhyun's boundless warmth—helped Jonghyun heal.

The silence was… companionable. A few days ago, Jonghyun wanted to curse the Grim Reaper's existence. He wanted to claw off his skin and scream at the heavens for taking everything away from him except for his life. He wanted to go back in time and to run forward towards Minhyun in that crosswalk, so if he died at that moment, his last sight would be Minhyun's peaceful gaze on the city around him— an ephemeral moment that was worthy of being Jonghyun's last.

Now, his grief, his _mourning_ for himself was at the stage of acceptance. He died so that Minhyun would live, and now they both had to keep on going.

They stopped in front of Jonghyun's apartment. Jonghyun knew the Reaper didn't need his permission to come in; he didn't even need to wait for Jonghyun to open the door. "You can go now," he said, not wanting to prolong this encounter. Jonghyun turned around to open the door, but he still felt the Reaper's presence behind him.

"Jonghyun," he said softly, and Jonghyun gripped the doorknob when he felt the warmth of Minhyun's voice from his head to his toes. He _missed_ Minhyun so much.

"If you're lonely," Jonghyun twisted the key and pushed the door open, "just… stop by. Appear." He turned around as he walked into the apartment. "I'll know why you showed up, so don't be afraid of coming to me." He paused. "Okay, not _all_ the time, but every now and then should be fine."

Jonghyun felt warm when Minhyun's face smiled at the ground. "Bye. See you soon." Then he closed the door and bid the world good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaa i told you all that this would be darker than my other works TT  
> anyway, i added an extra chapter to the count because i wanted to expand my plot  
> hopefully everything is still clear, but if you have any questions (non-spoiler ofc) just hmu in the comments!! reading your thoughts really makes my day <3
> 
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien)!!


	3. Chapter 3

"Hey, where are you?"

A pause. "Right here."

Jonghyun smiled when someone pulled out the seat beside him. He slid over a plate of fried dumplings, remembering to take one more before leaving it with a bewildered Reaper. "You _have_ to try this. It's my treat, don't worry."

"I had no plans of paying anyway," the Grim Reaper said before taking a whole dumpling in his mouth. Jonghyun's eyes widened, and he waited for the Reaper to spit out the steaming dumpling in pain. The Reaper just stared at him as he chewed and swallowed the entire thing, but _how?_ "I have… very cold skin."

Jonghyun stared at him pointedly. "A cooling system? In your mouth?" Jonghyun shrugged it off and bit from his beef skewer. "That's awfully convenient. Was it good?"

"Very," he replied, and he took the other skewer that the old lady served them. Jonghyun moved on to a small bowl of noodles at the side. "This is… a lot of food."

Jonghyun shrugged. "I'm feeling a little impulsive today." He poured a shot of soju for the Reaper and grinned as they drank together, bitter liquid burning down their throats at once.

"I don't think I like you like this," said the Grim Reaper, already asking for a can of beer from the old lady. _Fight fire with fire, indeed._

"Too bad; I don't care." Jonghyun smiled again, and he was vaguely aware of the flush on his cheeks. He giggled, and the spicy noodles weren't helping him calm down. "This is good," he muttered through a mouthful of noodles. "Do you— have Minhyun's memories? Of my mom's potato pancakes?"

The Grim Reaper paused. "They're really good."

"I know!" Jonghyun opened a can and took a deep swig. "Mmm, I remember how much Minhyun _loved_ my mom's cooking. Said he would still visit Gangneung just to stay over and eat even if we broke up." Jonghyun chuckled. _"What an ass."_

Jonghyun still remembered their first trip to his hometown so clearly. Minhyun instantly warmed up to his family, and they practically adopted him on the spot. Jonghyun was embarrassed to introduce Minhyun as his boyfriend, so his sisters did it for him and saved them all a few hours of awkward conversation.

Jonghyun remembered how Minhyun shyly handed a camera to Jonghyun's sister while they stood at the beach, waiting for the sun to rise. Minhyun wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Even through the thick padding of their coats, Jonghyun could feel the warmth of Minhyun's hug and grinned for the camera even though it was behind them.

 _"Smile,"_ he told Minhyun who was too busy staring at him. That woke Minhyun up, and he chuckled before raising a peace sign in the air and staring at the horizon. The sun was rising slowly, bathing the ocean with a surreal glow. Jonghyun thought he'd be sick of it by now, but something about the daybreak was more beautiful now that he was looking at it with Minhyun.

Minhyun, who instantly charmed his parents, even if they were first a little hesitant about Jonghyun coming out as gay. Minhyun, who laughed but refused to pry while his family shared embarrassing stories of him as a child because Minhyun knew that he would hate it. Minhyun, who woke him up with a kiss and begged him to come out to see the sunrise with him, even saying that his sister was willing to drive for them.

Minhyun, who pulled him in for a hug as soon as his sister said that she would bring the camera with her in the car and wait for them to finish here alone. Minhyun, who pressed their foreheads together and held Jonghyun's hand as he put it into his coat pocket. _"We should go,"_ Minhyun whispered, close enough for Jonghyun to hear despite the angry waves beating on the shore. _"Your sister's waiting."_

Jonghyun took that chance to tiptoe forward and kiss Minhyun, teeth catching onto his bottom lip before he pulled away. Jonghyun pulled their hands out of Minhyun's pocket and pulled him towards the car. _"Come on."_

The ten-minute car ride back to the house was _excruciatingly embarrassing_ as Jonghyun's sister refused to let them live this moment down. Jonghyun held the polaroid of them in his hands and smiled to himself. At that moment, he decided that he really, _really_ liked Minhyun.

Minhyun, who couldn't keep his eyes off Jonghyun even in the picture. Jonghyun could feel that warm gaze on him right now, eyes still shining like the sea.

 _Right now,_ Jonghyun could feel those same eyes on him, but the gaze was cold, impersonal. Jonghyun took a shot. "Another one please," he mumbled, and he stared expectantly as Minh— _the Grim Reaper_ slowly poured into his glass.

Jonghyun ended that night with a deep flush on his cheeks and a giggling fit that lasted from the street stalls to the bus ride to the stumbling journey up the staircase of his apartment building. The Grim Reaper held onto him tightly the entire time, guiding him step by step until he managed to crash on his couch.

"Why didn't you just…" Jonghyun slurred and waved his hand around, "magic me?"

" _'Magic'_ you?" The Reaper raised an eyebrow.

"What's the— teleport!" Jonghyun giggled and hugged a throw pillow. "Would have saved us twenty minutes and… did I pay for your bus ride?"

The Reaper sighed, and he sat on the armrest beside Jonghyun's head. "Go to sleep, Jonghyun."

"Really. I—" Jonghyun hiccupped. "I want to teleport. You want to take me to Namsan Tower? Mmm, or let's have chicken and— and beer. I'm not even a big fan of beer, but I'll—"

 _"Jonghyun,"_ the Reaper repeated, softer this time. "Your body and soul won't be able to handle the physical split needed to teleport you. I can't—"

Jonghyun sat up and hit the Grim Reaper with his throw pillow before crashing back down on the couch. " _Boo._ You never do the fun stuff with your powers. You just bring back my best friend then keep me from him then _ruin my life._ " Jonghyun sighed and tucked the other throw pillow between his legs. His eyes were already closed, and he felt himself drifting into sleep. "Boo you."

The Grim Reaper was silent. "Is… that really how you see me?"

Jonghyun felt his stomach drop at how small his voice was, how _hurt_ he seemed to be. "Am I supposed to see you in any other way?" The alcohol in Jonghyun's system told him to laugh, to be spiteful, to ignore how his stomach sinking as the human part of the Grim Reaper, more and more, day by day, seemed to resemble—

_"Jonghyun."_

Minhyun, who was as beautiful as ever with the muffled city lights framing his face. Minhyun, who sat beside him during his drunken escapades, as he always did, as he always would. Minhyun, who was smiling ever so slightly, hesitant to place a hand on Jonghyun's head.

"Min—" Jonghyun choked up. "I'm _tired._ "

 _So hesitant—_ god, why was Minhyun so afraid to move? He was always the touchy one, _excessively so,_ and Jonghyun was always left dizzy, dazed, _desperate_ for another touch.

"Jonghyun, go to sleep," said Minhyun, and Jonghyun shivered at the sound of his voice. It was a little huskier, dark and quiet, different from the sweetness that Minhyun always reserved for him. Even if Jonghyun wanted to reach out, his limbs wouldn't cooperate with his brain, and he only managed to reach Minhyun's hand resting over the couch.

"Hold me," Jonghyun whispered. "Just until I fall asleep. I— I missed you? I don't know why. You're always… here, right?"

Jonghyun's mind seemed to slow down when he felt Minhyun's hand on his head, softly combing his fingers through Jonghyun's hair. Jonghyun leaned into the touch, and he sighed when Minhyun scratched his scalp just right. "You should sleep, Jonghyun."

Minhyun seemed so… so _sad_ as he held Jonghyun's face. Jonghyun could barely see him— the light from the hallway wasn't enough to give full justice to his beauty, to those eyes that seemed to dim down as Jonghyun smiled up at him, to those lips and his little smile as Jonghyun turned towards his touch.

_God, he loved Minhyun._

"Good night," whispered Jonghyun. In the morning, Minhyun would be by his side with a glass of water and painkillers and his stupid laugh. He would sit beside Jonghyun and show him all the stupid pictures he took of Jonghyun while he was out getting drunk and Minhyun was there getting drunk on the sight of him. Jonghyun would hit him weakly and drag him onto the couch and they would spend their morning just there, all over each other as they always would be.

Things would be… as they should be.

 

 

———

 

 

Jonghyun woke up from that fantasy with a heart even more broken than before— but luckily without a hangover. The Grim Reaper was in the kitchen, and Jonghyun took the bowl of soup from him when he arrived to sit stiffly beside Jonghyun on the couch.

"I'm sorry," the Reaper said. Jonghyun's hands stopped halfway up, almost spilling soup on himself.

"For what?" asked Jonghyun.

"For pretending to be him." Jonghyun sighed when he recognized that tone in Minhyun's voice. It was the one that made Jonghyun melt instantly, the one that Minhyun used on him when he knew he made a mistake.

"It's… okay," said Jonghyun, a little surprised at himself. Then again, what was the point of harboring an even deeper grudge against the Grim Reaper? Did it ever help to hate him, to be angry at the situation he put Jonghyun in? "It helped me, somehow." He took a sip from his bowl. "I miss Minhyun. It was nice to see him after so long."

 

 

———

 

 

Jonghyun laughed as he closed the door behind him. He had to pull the phone away from his ear to prevent deafness due to Ong Seongwoo. When the word vomit finally ended, he tucked the phone between his ear and shoulder and leaned back against the door. "… Are you done yet?"

 _"Not quite yet."_ Seongwoo chuckled. _"Are you really sure you don't want to come out for once? We haven't gone out together in_ weeks; _you're halfway through ghosting us, Jonghyun. Frankly, I'm hurt."_

Jonghyun carefully put his grocery bag down and sighed. "Seongwoo, I'm not ghosting you."

 _"We are literally your only three friends, Jonghyun. I_ think _we'd know if you were ghosting us."_ He paused. _"And you totally are."_

 _"Am not,"_ Jonghyun reiterated. He chuckled again and shook his head. "I'm just not feeling it tonight, okay? Maybe next time."

Seongwoo paused, and Jonghyun heard the sound of mumbling in the background. Probably having a meeting with the other two who were trying to drag him out. _"Fine. But next time, you're not allowed to ditch us, okay?"_

Jonghyun sighed. "Alright, Seongwoo. I'll see you at work." He hung up first, not wanting to fend off Seongwoo's invitations for a minute longer.

It's not that he didn't _want_ to go out; it's just that… well, he wasn't ready for it yet. As time passed, he saw more and more of the differences between the friends he once knew and the people who he now spent almost every day with. He wanted to get to know them as they are, but sometimes he needed a break from people. Tonight was a much-needed escape from socializing with normal people who didn't know how fucked up Jonghyun's life really was.

Good thing his drinking buddy for tonight was a little more than a human, but a little less than a god.

"You here?" Jonghyun called out. He carried the grocery bag into the kitchen and almost dropped the entire thing when he saw a figure standing in front of the refrigerator. "Geez, you scared me!"

The Grim Reaper popped open a bottle of some alcohol Jonghyun forgot about and took a swig before turning to help Jonghyun with his groceries. He made a face as soon as he put the empty bottle down. "Was that supposed to be alcohol? It's like… spiked water."

Jonghyun picked the bottle up and laughed at the label. "That's Minhyun's. He's an awful lightweight, but when he wanted alcohol, he needed the weakest possible drink just to fill him up."

"Weak shit," he murmured, and the two of them laughed before Jonghyun hit his arm with a pack of plastic gloves.

"Don't make fun of my boyfriend whose face you're wearing," said Jonghyun, and he ignored the sudden silence from the Grim Reaper. Jonghyun didn't want to hear it, didn't want to talk about it, didn't even want to think about the fact that Minhyun was—in fact— _not_ his boyfriend and was essentially a stranger at this point. That wasn't the point of this night.

"Why did you call for me, Jonghyun?"

Jonghyun smiled and raised a case of beer. "Let's drink!"

The Grim Reaper gave him an unimpressed look and sighed as Jonghyun excitably set up the living room for another messy night. "I distinctly remember _not_ liking you like this."

"And I distinctly remember not caring," said Jonghyun, and he stared at the Grim Reaper until he finally gave in and sat across Jonghyun on the couch. They opened their bottles and took a deep swig before Jonghyun choked and started laughing. "Ah, that's more like it."

"What's there to celebrate? Why did you ditch your friends just to do the exact same thing that they were offering, except with me?" The Grim Reaper leaned on the armrest and stretched his legs out, leaving Jonghyun with barely any space to sit on the couch. Jonghyun pinched his ankle and laughed as he almost kneed himself in the face.

The flush on Jonghyun's face started to appear by the end of his second long sip. "Do you want me to say that you're better company than they are?" At the Reaper's silent bewilderment, Jonghyun laughed again. "Honestly, I just don't want to accidentally say something that would sound crazy to them. 'Hey, Seongwoo. Remember that time you hit on my boyfriend who none of you actually know now?'" He shook his head. "I might mix up my reality and theirs. I don't think I'm ready for that conversation."

The bottle in the Grim Reaper's hand suddenly froze, but the Reaper drank from it as if it were nothing. Jonghyun found himself laughing and laughing, and as the night went on and their drinks were emptied one by one, the Grim Reaper found himself giggling along too.

By midnight, they had finished the case of beer, finished another pack, and were now working on an old bottle of wine Jonghyun got as a Christmas party exchange gift. Jonghyun's head was rolling from side to side on the couch, and the Grim Reaper already peeled off his large coat, finally starting to experience a semblance of warmth.

"Tell me, Reaper," Jonghyun set his paper cup down on the coffee table, careful so that the row of empty beer bottles that they meticulously arranged wouldn't roll off the edge, "why'd you rewrite everyone's memories? Why not just… wipe them away? From them and from me? Why would you punish _me_ like this?"

The Grim Reaper laughed, cold and empty. The only thing missing was the thunderous rain, and Jonghyun would almost feel as if he were back in that temple that night, begging the gods for a miracle.

"I punished you with that because…" He chuckled again, but Jonghyun was not in the right mind to mess around with him. The Grim Reaper yelped when Jonghyun pinched his ankle again, and he retaliated by kicking Jonghyun's leg instead of curling in. "I chose to do that because I wanted to see how far you could go without going crazy."

 _"What?"_ Jonghyun wanted to stand up, to let his anger rise with his body, but all he could manage was exasperated disbelief. "Was this a test? A game for you?"

The Grim Reaper shook his head, but he winced and shut his eyes when the world started spinning. "It… it's not a game, Jonghyun. I was going to watch you, wait for you to break, but you… you just _kept going._ " A smile started to grow on his beautiful face. _Minhyun's._ "I couldn't help but step in and meddle in your life to see how you did it, how you managed to be so strong."

"'Strong?'" Jonghyun said incredulously. "I don't think 'strong' is the right word to describe me."

The Reaper shook his head again, and this time, he inched closer on the couch, hand resting beside Jonghyun's head. He lowered his voice when he caught Jonghyun's attention. "You don't get it. Living with those memories, that life, all those _doubts?_ It would have _ruined_ a normal person. They would crumble under the pressure of living in a lie that was the truth to everyone else but them. They would run and run and hope that there would just be one person— _just one_ who would recognize them the way they remembered themselves. Then they would give up and take their lives because the mental war had taken its toll on them.

"But you— you're…" He sighed, not being able to find the right words.

Jonghyun put a hand on his thigh. "Well, thanks. For thinking I'm strong— when all I am is miserable." Jonghyun chuckled, and his body was too heavy for him to get up and to pick his cup back up. He turned to his side instead, and he was surprised to see the Grim Reaper just staring at him, eyes soft and gaze unwavering. Jonghyun found himself admiring that face again, as perfect as it had always been.

"Do you… miss Minhyun?"

Jonghyun was smiling, but he felt himself starting to tear up. "Always."

The sadness he felt was mirrored in the Grim Reaper's eyes. He was probably poking into Jonghyun's mind, but Jonghyun didn't feel like putting up defenses tonight. The Reaper asked, and now he was going to find out, straight from Jonghyun's train of thought. He would find out how much Jonghyun really longed for Minhyun, how looking at the Grim Reaper broke Jonghyun because it reminded him of someone he could never have again.

"Close your eyes, Jonghyun."

Jonghyun found himself following easily, eyelids fluttering shut. Now he was fully aware of the being in front of him, whose icy skin was now exuding a warmth that Jonghyun felt himself leaning into.

"If you miss him so much," he whispered, "just… pretend. Pretend it's him. Just for a moment, for yourself."

That voice, softly lilting and dripping with sweetness that was always reserved just for Jonghyun. That hand, shaking but comfortable against his arm, slowly finding its way up to cup Jonghyun's neck then cradle his jaw. Those lips, always soft, always perfect, always fitting just right with Jonghyun's.

_Oh, Minhyun. I missed you._

The first kiss; just the press of lips against lips, leaving Jonghyun unresponsive after a moment of shock. The second; still hesitant but firmer this time, warmer and sweeter and more insistent. The third; a final attempt at engagement, an inkling of desperation seeping into Jonghyun's body starting from the contact point of their lips.

And finally, Jonghyun leaned forward and caught a bottom lip between his teeth, tugging slightly before letting go. He opened his eyes and met with Minhyun's; he was glad that the heat he felt in his belly was mirrored in those sharp eyes.

When Minhyun finally leaned forward again, Jonghyun immediately placed his hands on Minhyun's shoulders. He pushed him back slightly to give space for his legs to be tucked under his body and for Minhyun to slide his hands down to Jonghyun's waist. Jonghyun was consumed by the warmth and softness of Minhyun's lips against his, kissing like he finally found his oasis in the middle of a desert of isolation.

Minhyun nibbled on his bottom lip, and Jonghyun moaned as he felt a tongue swipe at his lip to soothe it. Jonghyun pulled back to press a kiss against the corner of Minhyun's lip and smiled when Minhyun pulled him back to kiss him, deeper and wetter this time. He tangled his fingers into Minhyun's hair. The soft locks gave him the right amount of grip when he felt Minhyun starting to move down his neck and suck at a sensitive spot above his collarbone.

They shifted positions, and Jonghyun found himself almost lying down on the couch while Minhyun hovered above him. Minhyun unbuttoned his shirt slightly, and Jonghyun sighed when Minhyun kissed down his neck until his sternum. He pulled Minhyun back up for another long kiss, and Jonghyun's lips were wet and swollen by the time Minhyun pulled away for them to breathe.

 _"Minhyun,"_ Jonghyun whispered, and he sighed deeply when those warm lips pressed against his forehead, his temple, his eyelids, the tip of his nose, and finally his lips once again. Minhyun kissed his cleft chin then trailed his lips along Jonghyun's jaw, leaving kisses and little marks along the way.

Jonghyun froze when those lips stopped behind his ear and sucked at a point that Minhyun normally wouldn't touch, when Jonghyun felt cold skin instead of warmth cupping his face as those lips kissed him deeply again.

_It's not— this isn't Minhyun._

Jonghyun pushed the body away, gasping as the weight of his actions dawned on him. Minhy— _the Grim Reaper_ stumbled back on the couch, and Jonghyun felt the temperature in the room suddenly drop.

"What the fuck," Jonghyun whispered. He surged forward and shoved the Reaper back by the shoulders. _"What the fuck was that!"_

Jonghyun closed his eyes— he could still feel Minhyun all over him, _taste_ him on his lips. The Grim Reaper was staring at his hands, and if Jonghyun could read minds, he hoped that he would find an inkling of shame, just a bit of regret from the Reaper for taking advantage of someone who… someone who was vulnerable, someone who was a lost cause, someone who was still in love with the person who owned the face he was wearing.

Jonghyun suddenly felt his chest getting tighter, the guilt of his thoughts choking him. _He believed._ For a second, Jonghyun _did_ pretend that he was with Minhyun again. And _god,_ he didn't want it to end. "What were you even thinking of doing, telling me to pretend that you were—"

"Was it difficult?" the Grim Reaper said, voice small but deep with an emotion that Jonghyun couldn't quite place.

"What?" Jonghyun jerked back when the Reaper leaned forward to really meet his eyes.

"Was it difficult to pretend?" Jonghyun gasped. "That I was him? That you were with him, even for just a few moments?"

Jonghyun clenched his fists. He couldn't— he didn't _want_ to think about how easy it was to close his eyes to reality and let the thought of Minhyun with him guide him to a moment of bliss. It wasn't… right.

"Get out," said Jonghyun, too afraid to raise his voice.

The Grim Reaper stood shakily, taking his coat as he turned away. "Tell me," he started, and he turned his face back towards Jonghyun, "would you have let me do that if I— I didn't tell you to pretend? If I came to you as I was, without Minhyun's name on your mind?"

_"Get the fuck out of my home."_

Jonghyun blinked, and the Reaper was gone, leaving only an icy spot on the floor and a sinking feeling in Jonghyun's chest.

He… started laughing. Jonghyun hugged his knees and laughed as if there were something to laugh at other than himself and his ridiculous life. He hit the coffee table with his foot and laughed even harder as the bottles all rolled down onto the carpet and across the living room floor, leaving Jonghyun in an even bigger mess than he was already in.

Jonghyun was laughing… because his very first thought as soon as the Grim Reaper disappeared was that his lips weren't _cold._ He laughed because he couldn't stop thinking about those lips; the same lips that once gave him comfort now scared him with the thought of losing his sanity with each kiss he willingly shared with—

_The Grim Reaper._

Jonghyun laughed even harder, now gripping his sides as tears threatened to spill out. First, he made a deal with the devil. Then, he befriended him. Now, he quite _literally_ felt the kiss of death.

And as much as he hated to admit it, he liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!! so stuff's actually happening in the story now lmao hope you stick around for the next few chapters bc they will be … a little bit more interesting ;) 
> 
> please comment on what you think so far!!!!
> 
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien)!!


	4. Chapter 4

"Ahn Jiyoung."

She gasped as the figure beside her spoke with such clarity, instantly drowning out the noise of the crowd huddled over the car that was smashed against a storefront. The Grim Reaper almost pitied her; there was too much life in her eyes, but none of it could be found in her body that was trapped under the hood of the car and leaning on the broken cement wall.

"Come with me," the Reaper said as softly as he could, knowing that the girl's world was collapsing right in front of her. He placed a hand on her shoulder, not wanting to deal with a missing soul if she decided to run away.

Thankfully, Jiyoung found the strength to start walking and following the Reaper into a doorway that appeared out of nowhere, another absurd sight that the girl didn't seem to question anymore. The Grim Reaper liked it when people were accepting of their reality; it made his job a lot easier. She took a seat, took the cup, and drank quietly, accepting the Reaper's words of comfort.

"You're not ready for the afterlife just yet," said the Reaper, and she looked up from her cup of tea. Eyes wide, shocked and tired.

"Then… what do I do next?" she asked. Jiyoung put the cup down and played with the sleeves of her coat.

"Go through the door you came from. Your next life awaits." He had said these words too many times, and even for a reaper who had only been active for a decade or two, his list of collected souls looked endless. In a sense, he was an experienced reaper, used to the grind and the tears and the paperwork that followed.

Suddenly, her eyes became blank. She nodded and stood, heading towards the door quietly. Though sometimes the Grim Reaper felt a twinge of sorrow at all the lives he had to witness ending, his only comfort was that moment of peace that most of them experienced before they walked straight into their new lives. They were given the privilege of forgetting their past, forgetting their pain, and moving forward.

A thought crossed his mind. Was it cruel— his conditions for granting Jonghyun's wish? This girl, Jiyoung, would wake up in the body of a newborn child, happily unaware of her gruesome death. She, much like the rest of his assignments before, were free to start again, and maybe their lives would end better this time and they could finally be welcomed into the afterlife.

Jonghyun… was alive. Same body, same mind, same memories, same regrets. Same pain, and a new sense of loneliness because of it.

A new friend too. Maybe. The Grim Reaper wasn't good at making that clear.

The Reaper sighed. He didn't realize that Jiyoung was already gone, but he took her empty cup and placed it on the shelf, just another addition to his growing collection of souls. Sometimes he would visit their reincarnations and wonder if they ever felt like their life was a long, elaborate web that would never end. Did mortals ever realize how insignificant they were in comparison to the powers at play in the universe? Or did they just live their lives as mindlessly as the reapers thought they would, never wondering about how the world truly turned?

As the Grim Reaper left his haunt and walked back into the physical world, his mind naturally went to Jonghyun, his favorite mortal— the only one who's managed to keep up with him. He was the only one who could hold a conversation with the Reaper without even flinching, without fearing him or what he could do.

_"Get the fuck out of my home."_

The Reaper sighed. He had his own set of regrets, a lot of them coming from that night.

His eyes widened when he saw a group of men in black coats about to enter a restaurant. Before he could turn and run away, he heard someone calling out his name. "Hey!" The Reaper winced. "I see you."

The Reaper turned and forced a smile on his face. "I… see you too." He started walking towards the group of reapers that were smirking at him. "521. 721. Was it 113—"

"You are so old-fashioned," 521 said. "We have _names_ now."

The Reaper snorted. "I'm old-fashioned, and this is coming from the guy who's two whole batches older than us? Get out of here." He laughed when Dongho shoved him to the side and Aron grinned at them. "It's been a while."

"Uh, yeah?" Minki narrowed his eyes at him. "You changed up your form! I almost didn't recognize you."

"He hasn't changed in the past decade, I think," Dongho teased. "I'm glad. So what's this guy called?"

The Reaper bit his lip and looked down. A part of him felt guilty at the thought of using Minhyun's identity as his own; he knew Jonghyun would hate him even more for it. "I… think I'll stick to Reaper 89, Batch 95."

"Lame," Minki said, and he was about to start insulting the Reaper when Aron tugged at their sleeves.

"Come on, let's go inside. We look like a bunch of idiots in black coats having a meeting in the middle of the sidewalk," mumbled Aron. They settled into familiar patterns: Dongho and the Reaper wouldn't stop talking, Minki would get pissed at them, and Aron would do something stupid that they would all laugh at until the cycle repeated.

In a way, they were the Reaper's closest friends. It was common for reapers to stick together or to find other powerful beings around them to befriend; an immortal existence was a lot lonelier than they expected. The Reaper wasn't too fond of the idea, but he naturally found Dongho and Minki because they were created in the same batch, and Aron sort of appeared out of nowhere.

Then he got tired, made some mistakes, needed to spend some time alone, and found himself drifting from the only friends he had ever known. It felt strange to go back to that after so long.

"What's it like, being back in duty after such a long break?" asked Dongho. "We wondered if you were ever coming back."

"It feels like…" He shrugged. "Going back to work. It's nothing."

Minki leaned forward. "Where'd you get the new face?" Something about the innocent look in his eyes tipped the Reaper off, and he knew Minki was prying.

"We heard some rumors floating around," said Aron, eyes sharper than usual. "Are you meddling with mortals again?"

The word "again" made the Reaper sigh. "I'm not meddling. It's… nothing, Aron."

It was not _nothing._ Souls weren't meant to be brought back to life. The cycle wasn't meant to be broken. Memories shouldn't be rearranged as if it were easy to play around with such a vital part of a person's psyche. Reapers weren't meant to toy around with mortals, dine with them, drink with them, _kiss them—_

"You can't get too close again," Aron said, and his voice dropped to a whisper. "They're watching. You _know_ this."

"I'm— it's not—" The Reaper struggled to find the right words to say. They were right; they _always_ were. He played a dangerous game by granting Jonghyun's wish, but talking to him, keeping up with him, revealing more and more of the reapers' world to him— that was _fatal._

It was difficult to stay away. It had been almost a week since that kiss, but the Reaper couldn't figure out the right time to pop back into Jonghyun's life. Usually it was easy for him to figure out when Jonghyun needed him; now he was afraid of seeing him, of seeing those furious eyes staring at him again.

"It's nothing," said the Reaper. He could feel their concern and their judgment settling into the corners of his mind, constantly reminding him of the thin ice he was walking on as he continued to interact with this mortal.

 _This mortal—_ Jonghyun, the only person who could talk about life and death with him as if he understood its gravity; the only person who could hold his gaze without fear; the only one who could touch him without flinching at the unnatural coldness; the only one who could drink, smile, and laugh as if nothing could bring him down anymore, not after everything he had already been through.

Jonghyun was beyond fascinating. If they were the ones who heard his cries that night, if they were the ones who saw his desperation and his love for Minhyun, they would feel the exact same way. Even if the Reaper could erase his memories and completely prevent this interest from getting any worse… he didn't want to.

"Enough about me—" the Reaper tried to divert. "Did you know that they're creating reapers who can fly now? Since when were we an outdated model?"

Dongho scoffed. "Since twenty years ago, probably. It doesn't matter; flying is _stupid._ Do you think any souls are going to be collected in midair? I think the fuck not."

"And really," Minki perked up, "teleportation is enough. I met this asshole reaper from the newest batch, and after we discussed traffic accidents for a good three minutes, he just flew away." Minki stared at their expressionless faces. "He just _flew away._ No goodbye, no respectful bow. The kids nowadays are asses, and I hate them." He crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Flying is stupid."

It took them about six seconds before they burst into laughter, Aron almost doubling over at how petty Minki's speech was. The Reaper sank into his seat and allowed himself to laugh and to live in the moment. For now, just for a while, he was willing to let go of the dark and mysterious act and be— well, not _human_ , but it was the closest he ever felt to being one.

 

 

———

 

 

When the Reaper left and the rest of them vanished off to do whatever they had to, he didn't really know where he was supposed to go. The past few days were filled with assignments and aimless wandering. He explored the city, walked along the river, and sat quietly in the middle of nature. It was peaceful, as it had always been, but lonely.

He didn't think that he'd see Jonghyun as soon as he turned a corner. Jonghyun was walking out of his office building when his eyes met a familiar face, and an unpleasantly pleasant memory flashed in his mind. The Reaper was caught in that gaze, too hesitant to move. Suddenly, he wanted the ability to fly straight out of this situation.

Really, it could have gone so many ways. Jonghyun could have ignored him and walked away. The Reaper would turn around and accept it; he was too cruel, too brash. Jonghyun didn't need that in his life, and maybe the Reaper would have developed enough of a conscience to erase Jonghyun's memories once and for all.

Jonghyun could have walked up to him and screamed at him, slapped him in the face, and showed just how furious he was for the way the Reaper played with his cognition like that. The Reaper would take it _—he deserved it—_ and maybe it would have turned out just like the other scenario. He was capable of mercy, and he proved that by saving Minhyun's soul in the first place.

What the Reaper didn't expect was for Jonghyun to approach him with his hands in his coat pockets, shaking in the cold. They stared at each other, and it took all of the Reaper's self-control to not look into Jonghyun's mind. The last time he peeked into his thoughts, he was overwhelmed with a foreign emotion: _longing._ It almost made him want to be that person that Jonghyun was looking for.

Still, the silence was killing him. Jonghyun's stance was defensive, ready to turn away at any moment. _Regrets, regrets, regrets;_ the Reaper gained Jonghyun's trust for a while, but his self-indulgent curiosity ruined that instantly.

"… Are you going to walk me home or not?" Jonghyun said after an extended period of silence. The Reaper stared at him, eyes wide as Jonghyun motioned towards the bus stop across the street. His steps faltered despite the open invitation, but he followed Jonghyun, watching him from behind.

Normal people would consider the Grim Reaper an enigma; the Reaper thought Jonghyun was even more puzzling. Jonghyun never acted the way the Reaper expected people to, and he just kept inviting the Reaper back into his home, into his life, as if the Reaper were his _friend_. The Grim Reaper could never pretend to understand how he managed to do it every time.

Something changed in the air, and Jonghyun's spine stiffened. The Reaper stopped right behind him, eyes following Jonghyun's frozen gaze.

It was Minhyun—the _real_ Minhyun, _Jonghyun's_ Minhyun—standing across the street, waiting for the light to turn green. If the Reaper could look into Jonghyun's mind right now, he knew he'd hear screaming and crying, and the yearning would claw at the Reaper from within too.

His mind went back to that first day when Jonghyun saw Minhyun for the first time. It was truly coincidence that brought that speeding car there; none of it was due to his interference. That was Fate's doing, but tonight, she didn't give him any signals regarding the near future. This could be Jonghyun's opportunity.

"Tell me," whispered Jonghyun, and he looked back at the Reaper with wet eyes, "if I reach out right now and walk up to him, what gruesome punishment will I receive this time?"

The Reaper could lie. He could tell Jonghyun that his luck would run out or Minhyun would straight up reject him or some pathetic lie to keep Jonghyun from exploring the possibilities of a life with this Minhyun. A few weeks ago, he would have done that. His experiment wasn't over; there was still so much he needed to learn about Jonghyun. But today, he felt a semblance of a conscience telling him to stop toying with Jonghyun, at least not now.

"Nothing, really," he replied. "The only thing that will kill you now is how he's going to react to you."

"And how's that?"

"With indifference. Confusion." The Grim Reaper stared into Jonghyun's eyes and watched as the hope drained out of him. "He doesn't _know_ you, Jonghyun, at least not in the way you know him. It will hurt you. It will kill you."

The light turned green. Jonghyun turned away. They started walking, and Jonghyun's eyes locked on Minhyun. If he could gain his attention, even for a split moment, maybe something would be triggered inside him, a dormant memory, the tiniest bit of recognition, a memory of Jonghyun, a feeling of déjà vu, _anything please—_

Jonghyun stopped right before his hand could reach for Minhyun's shoulder. Minhyun walked away, oblivious to the man whose eyes were trailing behind him. Jonghyun didn't know what made him stop, but when he looked back up, his eyes met the Reaper's— cold, expectant. When Jonghyun brought his hand down, he thought saw a flash of pride in the Reaper's blank expression.

In truth, it was not pride. It was pity.

The rest of the world seemed to vanish as Jonghyun looked up at the Reaper with tired eyes. _"Does it hurt?"_ a voice asked, not as thunderous as the one in the temple that night, but equally terrifying. Jonghyun nodded, and the Reaper held his hand out. Was it an offer? An invitation? Another mistake waiting to be made?

_"Do you want it to stop hurting?"_

Jonghyun paused, then he took the outstretched hand, _consequences be damned._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a little peek into the mind of the reaper!! i added the modern fantasy tag bc i felt like delving a bit into how reapers work (and we've finally met grim reapers!aron, minki, and dongho!!) this is heavily inspired by the reapers in the kdrama, goblin, so yes reapers in this fic work similarly.
> 
> the next chapter might come a little late bc of… content :----) 
> 
> anyway i was super happy to see everyone's reactions to last chapter hahaha i'll be replying to comments more often from now on!! yes pls share your thoughts and ideas <3
> 
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien)!!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: (slightly) explicit sexual content

"Call me Minhyun."

Jonghyun's fist clenched over the hook of the coat rack. He turned to look at the Reaper, eyes drawn to the way he tugged his tie down. "I just had one of the _worst_ nights of my life—real close to the one when I first met you—and you're still not done toying with me?"

The Reaper walked up to him, tossing his tie aside when he finally managed to wrench it free of the knot. Jonghyun watched to see where it landed, but then his chin was tilted up to meet the Reaper's eyes fully. He didn't pretend to be hesitant when the Reaper kissed him; Jonghyun's spine arched forward when the Reaper slid his other hand under his coat and trailed upwards, urging Jonghyun to slide it off his shoulders. Jonghyun pulled away, and he sighed when the Reaper cupped his cheek.

"All of this—" a kiss, "is for you." A nibble on Jonghyun's bottom lip. "So if you need to call me by his name," another quick kiss, "I'll take the role. I'll play the part."

Jonghyun found himself staring into deep, earnest eyes. Embarrassment crept up his neck, but Jonghyun's hands had a mind of their own and landed on the Grim Reaper's nape. This time, he pulled the Reap— _Minhyun_ down to meet his lips, and he responded by sliding his hands up Jonghyun's thighs and stopping under his untucked shirt, thumbs stroking the skin above the waistband of his pants. The gentle contact made Jonghyun sigh into Minhyun's mouth, and he rested his cheek against Minhyun's when they needed to breathe.

"Are we really doing this?" he whispered, breath ghosting against the shell of Minhyun's ear. Minhyun dropped down to rest his forehead against Jonghyun's shoulder. Jonghyun sighed as he felt Minhyun's pulse against his skin— _alive. After so long, he's alive._

The Reaper kissed his neck, and then he nosed up to whisper in Jonghyun's ear, "This night is all yours, Jonghyun. What do _you_ want?"

_To feel alive too._

Jonghyun hooked his finger around Minhyun's belt loops and tugged him backwards towards his room, reaching back to turn the knob. Minhyun took that delay as an opportunity to cage Jonghyun in his arms against the door. He leaned down and caught Jonghyun's lip between his teeth, smiling when Jonghyun gasped.

Jonghyun finally managed to open the door, and he reached out to turn on a lamp before falling backwards on his bed, sliding back to meet the pillows. "Come here," Minhyun said, smiling as he kneeled by the edge of the bed. When Jonghyun refused to move, a challenge glinting in his eyes, Minhyun sighed and crawled towards him. He leaned down for a sloppy kiss before he started unbuttoning Jonghyun's shirt.

Minhyun had a knee between Jonghyun's thighs to steady himself and to be able to kiss down Jonghyun's chest as he revealed inch after inch of smooth skin, just waiting to be marked. He stopped at the last button and caught Jonghyun's lips again before freeing Jonghyun from his shirt. The Reaper made quick work of Jonghyun's slacks, and Jonghyun shivered at the way Minhyun looked at him.

Minhyun ran a finger along his jaw, down his chest, and gripped his thighs as he leaned forward to press wet kisses against Jonghyun's neck until his chin. "You," he squeezed Jonghyun's ass, "are too skinny."

"Thanks, asshole," mumbled Jonghyun, too distracted by Minhyun now kissing along the underside of his jaw. "I am trying my best."

"Is it the noodles?" Minhyun asked, grinning as he rested his elbow beside Jonghyun's head to look at him properly. "I think it's the noodles. You're turning into a noodle, Jonghyun."

 _"You're insufferable,"_ Jonghyun mumbled as he pushed the Reaper onto his back and straddled his hips. "My turn," he then said as he cradled Minhyun's face with both hands and kissed him deeply, enough to make Minhyun strain his head up to chase after Jonghyun's lips as he pulled away.

Jonghyun pressed their foreheads together as he hunched over Minhyun's body, and he filled his senses with Minhyun: the sight of his eyelashes fluttering every time they met for a kiss; the sound of his yearning, his contentment, his _want_ vibrating through his body; the scent of his skin that made Jonghyun dizzy with each breath; the taste of his tongue, almost intoxicating in itself; the sensation of each curve of his body, each goosebump that followed the trail Jonghyun was tracing down his chest as he slowly undressed Minhyun.

They laughed as Jonghyun tugged on Minhyun's jeans, tight enough to be his second skin. "Take this off," Jonghyun said, and he rolled off to the side while the Reaper stood to peel off his pants. He fell back on the bed, and they lied down there, side by side, hands barely touching. Jonghyun hooked his little finger around Minhyun's thumb, the slightest touch enough for him to gain a semblance of his calm back.

They weren't rushing. Jonghyun could close his eyes and still feel Minhyun's lips on his skin. He could swing his leg over Minhyun's torso and kiss him for eternity, and neither of them would mind. He could cup Minhyun's cheek and trace patterns on his skin, smiling as he hummed softly while the sun started streaming in through the blinds.

And yet, Jonghyun could feel the anxiety bubbling within the Reaper as Jonghyun basked in the glow of the moment. "… Do you not want this?" he asked.

Jonghyun turned his head to the side, and in that moment, he saw vulnerability in Minhyun's eyes. He saw his pupils shake as Jonghyun's gaze lowered, as he leaned forward ever so slowly to catch Minhyun's bottom lip between his teeth. Minhyun's hand landed on Jonghyun's arm, steady weight and warmth comforting Jonghyun as he started shaking in nervousness too.

"What would make you think," Jonghyun swung a leg over Minhyun's thigh and rested his knee between Minhyun's legs, "that I don't want this?" He leaned forward to kiss Minhyun again, and he smiled against Minhyun's lips when he felt the shape of his dick against his thigh.

 _Want. That's all this is,_ Jonghyun thought to himself as Minhyun grew more handsy, as he himself grew sloppier and more desperate with each kiss, each gentle caress, each smile and moan that he could feel pressed against his skin. _This is want, desperation, need, instinct, craving, lust, lust, lust—_

Jonghyun was hovering over the body before him when he remembered: _this wasn't Minhyun._ He was pulled down for another kiss that he couldn't resist, another hot touch that made him yearn for more, and what made him guilty was the fact that he _wasn't._ He wasn't guilty of anything. He wasn't recoiling at each touch, he wasn't hesitant to dive back in, he wasn't afraid of that hot gaze and that small smile they shared every time they pulled apart to breathe.

 _This isn't Minhyun, but I can't remember why that was so wrong in the first place,_ Jonghyun thought.

Why was it so wrong to simply accept the touch, accept the want that was freely flowing between them? Why was it so wrong to look at the person in front of him and just think, for a few moments or maybe a few hours, that this was the Minhyun he loved? Why was it so wrong to pretend?

When Minhyun pushed into him slowly, savoring the tightness and the burn that only seemed to fuel their want for the other, Jonghyun gasped at the ceiling. The fullness he felt below was nothing compared to the pure catharsis of having someone _real_ pressed against him, inside him. He could feel Minhyun's hot breath against his ear while he adjusted to his length. Minhyun mouthed against his shoulder, groaning softly as he resisted the urge to rut into Jonghyun.

"Move," Jonghyun whispered, not wanting to stay in limbo for so long. The slightest movement from Minhyun was enough for Jonghyun to grip his arms tightly, for him to arch up and meet Minhyun for a long kiss that muffled each of his moans.

Minhyun pulled away, holding Jonghyun by the hips to drive his thrusts harder, faster. In the low light shining on Minhyun, Jonghyun could bask in his beauty, in the flush all over his chest, in the blooming marks that Jonghyun had left throughout the night. Minhyun had his eyes closed, brows furrowed, lips parted; Jonghyun thought he was beautiful, _perfect—_ but merely an imitation that was too close to the real thing.

And again, Jonghyun was reminded that _this wasn't Minhyun._ Even as he smiled at Jonghyun as he bit his lip the way Minhyun would, even as he pressed a kiss against Jonghyun's temple as he slowed his thrusts down to breathe the way Minhyun always did, this was not real. Jonghyun kept repeating that to himself, over and over again, until his mind gave up and gave in to the way his body curled around the Minhyun hovering over him, pulling him even closer until they were gasping into each other's mouth as they came together.

They tossed their condoms, and Minhyun collapsed beside Jonghyun. He was still panting as he swung an arm over Jonghyun's waist and pulled him closer, leaning his chin on Jonghyun's shoulder. "I have to… clean up. I can't move. My bones are dead, Jonghyun," he whined, and Jonghyun laughed breathily before swatting his face away.

"I can't breathe, bighead," said Jonghyun. Minhyun kissed his shoulder as an apology and leaned his head on the heel of his hand, gazing at Jonghyun with sleepy eyes.

The cold detachment in his eyes as they went into this with uncertainty wasn't Minhyun. Neither was the heated passion that Jonghyun could feel throughout the night as they fucked. This—the gentle smile laced with fondness and the right amount of warmth— _this_ was Minhyun.

Jonghyun didn't need to convince himself to go along with this charade anymore; it was easy for him to meet Minhyun's lips and to smile at how Minhyun's fingers on Jonghyun's waist twitched, itching to do more but too tired to even move.

"I'll go get a cloth," said Minhyun as he got up lazily.

Jonghyun turned to curl into the warmth he left on the bed. He was laughing to himself again, this time at the mere thought of what this night might actually mean. Jonghyun was never particularly good at having foresight—the night that got him in this position was a good indicator of that—but in a sense, he knew that this was bound to happen when he took the Reaper's hand. He knew it was bound to happen when they first kissed, when Jonghyun first invited him into his home as a friend.

 _Consequences be damned,_ Jonghyun said earlier. He fell asleep peacefully that night, somehow sensing an arm over his waist and a body holding him close from behind. The warmth… was good. Things felt good for once.

 

 

———

 

 

To be fair, the Reaper honored his promise; it stopped hurting, just like he said it would. Jonghyun underestimated the comfort that a warm body could give him, and his initial reaction to the arm over his waist and the person lightly snoring face down beside him was a soft sigh and acceptance.

It was quiet acceptance at first, then everything else hit him like a speeding truck, careless and brash as it fearlessly went ahead— Jonghyun's decision making skills could relate.

Jonghyun never had a one-night stand before, never woke up with a clear recollection of a night he was meant to regret and forget. A part of him wanted to run away; the urge to claw his skin off was starting to return in full force. Like ants crawling all over him—centered on the arm anchoring him on this bed—Jonghyun felt his shallow breaths choking him until dark spots appeared in his vision, leaving only patches of bright light bouncing off a mop of soft hair beside him.

And then it stopped, and Jonghyun's body was unraveled from the web of sharp strings dangling him in the air. Waves of calmness hit Jonghyun as his body sank into the mattress and he turned to face the figure beside him, still dead asleep after the night they had. Gentleness made Jonghyun crave for a taste, a kiss pressed against his shoulder blades, a finger tracing the lines of his toned back and smooth skin.

Jonghyun tried to recall last night through these new lenses, painting everything in a soft glow. The body beside him turned, and Jonghyun sighed when he met Minhyun's sleepy face, hair starting to cover his eyes. Jonghyun's fingers twitched, and he easily gave in to the temptation to run his fingers through Minhyun's hair just once.

The curtains swayed, and a beam of light landed on Minhyun's eyes. He groaned, attempted to cover his eyes, and hit Jonghyun's hand along the way. "Ouch," he mumbled, and it took a while for him to open his eyes and adjust to the morning light. "Good morning," Minhyun whispered.

Jonghyun suddenly couldn't find his voice. This moment—ephemeral, _perfect_ —was utterly terrifying.

Jonghyun could make a choice. He could pull away, he could run, he could cut this fantasy short and return to the dry reality that he knew he had to face sooner or later. The man in front of him was an impostor, and the warm touch grounding his thoughts only concealed the icy truth of the Reaper's existence in his life. This was a lie; Jonghyun could simply reveal it.

Or he could turn to the side, smile, and whisper, "Good morning." There was no way to know if this was the right decision; all Jonghyun knew was the relief that spread throughout him as Minhyun simply smiled back and pulled him in for a good morning kiss.

"Tell me, Jonghyun," Minhyun whispered, though something about his tone was different from the sweetness that Jonghyun was only starting to get used to again, "do you enjoy this?"

"Enjoy what?" said Jonghyun, just wanting to keep up the pretense for a little longer. His hands were on Minhyun's chest now, pressing against his heart just to make sure that there was life in this impostor. At least a part of this fantasy could be real.

"This. All of this." Minhyun cupped his cheek. "Is it difficult? To pretend?"

Jonghyun closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of traces from last night still lingering in the air. The sun was shining, the world kept turning, but Jonghyun just wanted to be trapped in his little bubble, the little taste of paradise that he could hold onto for now.

"What do you think?" said Jonghyun, voice cracking just the slightest bit. Minhyun's eyes were full of understanding, and as his gaze lowered to Jonghyun's lips again, Jonghyun sensed a bit of relief in the way Minhyun rolled on top of Jonghyun and sank into his arms.

"Let's… let's keep pretending," one of them said. "Just for a little bit longer."

If Jonghyun had to describe his past few months, miserable was one way to say it. He could say it was lonely, a challenge that felt endless in its trials. If he could pin it on someone, he could easily blame the Reaper, easily claim that he hated him for everything that Jonghyun had gone through and every struggle and heart-wrenching lie that Jonghyun had yet to discover and live through.

But for a while, just for now, the Reaper made him feel at peace. Maybe it was the face or the way he would smile at Jonghyun or the gentle way he kissed Jonghyun as their bodies warmed up in the morning— but suddenly, Jonghyun felt like holding onto the taste of paradise he's been given. If he could choose, he would choose this moment over everything else: _painless, ignorant bliss._

And really, was that so wrong?

 

 

———

 

 

Jonghyun's phone almost fell off the bedside table in his rush to shut the damn alarm off. It was still early—the lack of sunlight was a clear indicator of that—but it was certainly too early for Jonghyun to wake up to an empty bed beside him. He wanted to reach out, maybe call his name out to see if he would respond, but he remembered their agreement. They would keep pretending, for as long as it felt right, for as long as it was still easy for them both, and then it was time to return to reality.

_Right. Back to reality._

And reality was bland and empty and lonely, as lonely as it had always been. Jonghyun performed familiar tasks and walked familiar streets and faced familiar faces, as he had always done before. If Jonghyun tried hard enough, his mind would stop wandering towards Minhyun; where was he? Was he ever coming back, or was he out there looking for his new victim, his new plaything? Was this the turning point for Jonghyun where he would finally be free of the presence looming over him, forcing him to make… _bad decisions,_ among others?

Daniel stared at Jonghyun in concern for a while, and Jonghyun quickly snapped out of his trance. There were other roles to play, other people to pretend to be like. These people wanted the Jonghyun that they knew, and Jonghyun had to deliver.

Unfortunately for him, the friends that he knew were just as nosy as the friends he had to put up with now. Jonghyun hit Seongwoo over the head with a folder as he cracked another joke about the fading mark hidden right behind Jonghyun's ear. God, Jonghyun _really_ shouldn't have given Minhyun the permission to leave marks. "Look at him _go,_ " Seongwoo said, covering his mouth with his hand like a proud dad. " _My_ _boy,_ getting that nice after-sexcapade weekend glow. I'm amazed!"

"Seongwoo, I swear if you don't shut up, I'm going to kill you," Jonghyun muttered. He slammed the file cabinet as he turned around, and Hyunbin jumped in surprise. "Also, it was _not_ a 'sexcapade,' as you claim," he said with quotation marks in the air.

Daniel snickered and he pulled Jonghyun close by the shoulders. "Who's the lucky guy? Are we going to have to give him the talk?"

"Hey, don't pressure him," said Hyunbin, and Jonghyun was about to thank him for being the only helpful one in this attack on his dignity until he saw the smirk on Hyunbin's face. "You never know; it might have just been a really good lay."

"A _two-day_ lay, though?" Seongwoo whistled. "I mean, that must be why we couldn't contact you all weekend. _Damn Jonghyun,_ this is wilder than anything I could have imagined you could—or would—do."

Jonghyun stared helplessly at the ceiling. "It's— you're really not—"

"Aw, look at that blush," said Daniel. He pinched Jonghyun's cheek and pat him on the back. "Careful there, you might turn as red as that hickey on the back of your neck."

"What the fuck—" Jonghyun covered his nape and glared at the three of them laughing at his mortification. Jonghyun narrowed his eyes at them and turned away. "I'm going home."

"Sure, buddy." Seongwoo laughed into Hyunbin's shoulder. "Stay safe! Use protection!" he yelled as Jonghyun closed the door behind him. He needed new friends.

Jonghyun also needed to add 'a new coat' and 'a sense of self-preservation' to that list, especially as he faced the winter air with nothing but a scarf wrapped tightly like a noose. Knowing himself, Jonghyun was used to this, and he was about to brisk walk his way to the bus station when he saw a familiar figure waiting by the sidewalk.

Minhyun, who cocked a head at his appearance and sighed before he walked towards Jonghyun. Minhyun, who Jonghyun was afraid of never seeing again, not after they both got what they wanted from this agreement. Minhyun, who made Jonghyun's world stop turning every time he saw a glimpse of those sharp eyes.

 _Not Minhyun,_ Jonghyun tried to remind himself. It felt… futile at this point. If he squinted hard enough, this could be Minhyun— Minhyun, who Jonghyun found himself smiling at as he slung his coat over Jonghyun's shoulders and motioned at the bus stop, inviting himself into Jonghyun's bland reality, finally making him feel _alive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien) or talk to me on [curiouscat (/junfhongs)](https://curiouscat.me/junfhongs)!!


	6. Chapter 6

Seeing Minhyun—the _real_ Minhyun, the ghost that came to life at the most opportune times—was a cold slap of water to the face for Jonghyun. He shivered when he felt like their eyes met, and the air was even colder than when Jonghyun faced Minhyun the Reaper for the first time.

It felt worse because Jonghyun was painfully reminded that this was _wrong_ — that he was allowing an impostor to take on the face of someone who was real and alive and living a peaceful, blissful life.

Jonghyun almost thought he was a figment of his imagination until the Minhyun he saw across the street was hugged tightly from behind by someone who Jonghyun could vaguely remember as Minhyun's musician friend. They smiled at each other brightly; Jonghyun recognized the grin that Minhyun flashed when there were others around, when they had to put up the ruse of just being _good friends_ in front of judgmental strangers.

Jonghyun realized that, _oh,_ the real Minhyun had a life. He always had a life, one that was completely different from the life Jonghyun remembered. He had different friends, a different lover—Kim Jaehwan, as Jonghyun finally remembered—and a different story that Jonghyun was barely a part of.

He knew that. That had constantly been in his mind since he first saw Minhyun that day and the Reaper had stopped him from his timely death. He still thought of that, except now he didn’t feel the urge to run forward and disrupt that with his crazy tale of grim reapers and covenants with death.

Because the real Minhyun had a life. A life without him. It didn't seem real until he saw it right before his eyes.

Jonghyun spent that day in a daze, imagining moments in Minhyun's new life when Jonghyun knew he should have been a part of. Who took Minhyun to the hospital when his salt allergy acted up after someone dared him to go into the sea? Who kissed him on the forehead as he got drunk for the first time and realized his tolerance was pathetic? Who held him close as he faced failure the first few times until he finally found his footing in life?

Or maybe Minhyun suffered less in this life. Maybe Jonghyun was a magnet for bad luck, and Minhyun lived a good life without him. Was Minhyun able to perform onstage the way he always wanted to? Was he able to submit that portfolio of poems to the literature magazine that he was so obsessed with when they were in university? Did he smile brighter, laugh louder— was he happier? Happier without Jonghyun?

Jonghyun was afraid that the answer would be _yes,_ that Jonghyun was, yet again, the only one who lost in this situation that he created. He was afraid, but he needed to make sure.

He didn't know why checking Minhyun's online profiles only occurred to him now. It was easy to look into Minhyun's life, especially with how often he posted vain pictures of himself in various flattering angles of his beautiful face. Jonghyun scoffed, but he couldn't help himself from smiling. At least that was something that was innate to Minhyun.

Jonghyun was right; Minhyun was happy. He was still an office worker, but he was able to pursue a lot of his creative exploits, with the help of his boyfriend, Jaehwan. _Right,_ that's what partners were supposed to do: bring each other up and help them achieve whatever they wanted to pursue.

Maybe Jonghyun failed in that aspect. Maybe Minhyun was happier in this life because he was with someone who wasn't afraid of having dreams, someone who wasn't so afraid of failure the way Jonghyun was. Maybe Minhyun couldn't grow with Jonghyun because he was too busy trying to drag Jonghyun out of his fear paralysis.

The bravest thing Jonghyun had done in his life was beg for Minhyun's soul. Maybe that was the best thing he ever did for him, for _both_ of them.

There was a sound by the doorway. Jonghyun didn't even jump anymore, too absorbed by the life he was observing through a screen. When he looked up from his phone, his eyes immediately met Minhyun's. Jonghyun looked away. Minhyun already saw too much with a quick glance; Jonghyun practically screamed his thoughts at him.

"What are you looking at?" asked Minhyun, though he already knew the answer. Jonghyun didn't even bother to put his walls back up as Minhyun approached him. Minhyun even looked guilty as he put a hand on Jonghyun's shoulder.

"Why," Jonghyun started softly, "did you forbid me from meeting him, that very first time?"

"It was to save your life—"

"I know," said Jonghyun. "I know at that time, there was going to be a speeding car and you just saved my life. I was talking about the night at the temple." Jonghyun could still remember every sensation from that night: the stinging of his knees, the deafening loudness of the rain, the dullness of his surroundings as he contemplated death, the ominous figure watching him weep from the sidelines. "You lied to me."

"I did," said Minhyun, and now the guilt was completely gone.

For the past week, Jonghyun was starting to get used to this new Minhyun in his life, to the cynicism and darker sense of humor. He was getting used to being with someone who he thought would be colder and so starkly different from the man he once loved; instead, he got someone who was just as clingy but even more… devoted to him, in a sense. It was as if Jonghyun were the only thing that mattered to him when they were together.

It was flattering, comforting. It helped Jonghyun get rid of some of his demons sometimes.

But conversations like these made Jonghyun feel like he went back to square one with Minhyun; it made him feel like he was that helpless mortal being toyed with by the Reaper again. He couldn't flinch when he looked up at Minhyun. He couldn't show that he was afraid of whatever answer he was going to receive. "Why then? Why lie?"

"I lied about some things, but did I lie about it hurting you? About it being painful enough to kill you from within?" Minhyun took a seat beside him on the dining table. His stance was inviting, his tone coaxing Jonghyun to listen. It would have been easy for Jonghyun to shut his mind and shun Minhyun for what he did; he could, and it would have been the right thing to do for others.

For Jonghyun, he couldn't help but listen. He knew the pain that Minhyun was talking about. He knew that helplessness, that desperation, that need for contact and validation that would never come into fruition. Even if the Reaper didn't lie to him and Jonghyun approached the real Minhyun with the hope that they would find their way back to each other somehow, it wouldn't result to anything.

Jonghyun looked down at his phone again; the real Minhyun was happy. Jonghyun wasn't the reason for that anymore. The tangible proof in his hands was mocking his idealism.

"So you're telling me that you lied for my benefit? For my well-being?" Jonghyun looked straight into Minhyun's eyes. "Bullshit."

On Jonghyun's side, it worked out. Maybe he was a little grateful that Minhyun softened the blow for him in that way. But the motivations of the Reaper were always murky to Jonghyun; he was as mysterious as ever, even after all they went through. Jonghyun hated it. He hated the thought that he was spending his time with a stranger, taking this stranger to bed, baring his soul out for someone who he barely knew.

Minhyun was hesitant for a moment. "You got your selfish wish granted. You got the soul of your loved one back, along with the pain that came with it."

Jonghyun didn't know where Minhyun was going with this. "And?"

"And maybe my selfish wish was to have someone to observe, someone whose resolve I could test," said Minhyun. It wasn't cold. He was holding something back.

"I was your social experiment," Jonghyun spat.

"No," Minhyun whispered, but the way he averted his eyes from Jonghyun's gaze spoke volumes. "I was intrigued. You already know this."

"Then why didn't you just erase my memories? Didn't you get tired of your own games?" Jonghyun grit his teeth. "Because I was. I was _exhausted._ "

"You had to pay for the consequences of your actions, Jonghyun," Minhyun said. He stood up and cupped Jonghyun's cheek. This time, his hand was warm, inviting Jonghyun to lean into his touch. Jonghyun remembered the first time Minhyun held his face like this; the burning cold was all but gone now. "I chose those conditions because of how brave you were to ask for something without even thinking of what you had to give in return. I lied to see how far you could go; I kept lying because…"

Jonghyun couldn't breathe, not with the way Minhyun was looking at him. His eyes were soft but intense, and if he could bare his soul out for Jonghyun to see, _this_ would be it.

"…because?"

"Because eventually, I did want to protect you from something that I knew would kill you." His thumb stroked Jonghyun's cheek. "And maybe my selfish wish was to have someone."

"Someone to…?" Jonghyun pried.

"Just—" Minhyun fumbled with his words. "Someone."

 _Wish granted,_ Jonghyun thought to himself as he gave in to his own selfish wish and stood up to pull Minhyun in for a kiss.

 

 

———

 

 

It was Jonghyun's turn to be held from behind, warm chest against his back as a hand traced circles on his waist. Jonghyun inhaled Minhyun's scent as he felt the man behind him drifting to sleep.

"Am I supposed to believe that you're in love with me?" he asked, not out of nowhere. It wasn't as if they weren't treading around the topic all night. Minhyun was more careful than ever with his touches; Jonghyun was starting to believe that he was fragile with how gently he was being held. Minhyun couldn't look into his eyes as they fucked, and if they were facing each other now, Jonghyun knew Minhyun still wouldn't be able to look at him. _Why?_

To Jonghyun's surprise, Minhyun replied with laughter, warm and breathy against the back of his ear. "I'm not," said Minhyun, plain and clear. Jonghyun was relieved to hear it; love wasn't a word he could easily relate to an all-powerful being. Still, the easy denial stung just a little bit.

"I could," Minhyun then said, even more softly this time, "but I shouldn't."

Jonghyun didn't want to pry; more accurately, it felt like he couldn't. Even as Minhyun inched closer and kissed his skin again, Jonghyun still felt the gap between them as beings grow larger and larger as they attempted to fit themselves together. There was something fundamentally _wrong_ about what they were doing, and even if they were acutely aware of it, a stubborn part of themselves chose to ignore that.

The real Minhyun popped into Jonghyun's mind briefly. Did he ever feel like something was wrong with his life, as if there were something— _or someone—_ missing in his story?

Probably not. It wouldn't do Jonghyun any good to hope for it.

Suddenly, Minhyun stiffened and let go of Jonghyun. He got up and started changing, leaving Jonghyun chasing after his warmth on the sheets. "Where are you going?"

Minhyun's hands paused on the waistband of his pants. "Death's calling," said Minhyun nonchalantly, as if it were a regular conversation topic.

Jonghyun didn't even bristle. He fell back on the bed and curled the blanket even tighter around him. "Are you coming home?"

"Yes," Minhyun said, and he hesitated before placing a knee on the bed and leaning down to leave Jonghyun with a kiss. It was strangely… normal. _Domestic,_ even _._ Comforting, nonetheless. "I'll go now."

"Bye," Jonghyun mumbled before he passed out, half of his body on Minhyun's side of the bed. Minhyun smiled as Jonghyun settled into the indentation that Minhyun left on the mattress; it was a good way to end the night.

 

 

———

 

 

Minhyun was surprised when his assignment led him to a lane filled with stalls for street food. This… didn't feel like a place for someone to die.

"Minhyun, over here!" he heard a familiar voice say. It was Dongho, with Minki and Aron as usual. Their faces held stiff smiles, and Minhyun felt the air change as he walked towards them.

The world around them had stopped by the time Minhyun took the seat beside Minki. This was not a trick invitation from his friends; this was business. "So it's true, huh?" Minki said. "You're… meddling with a mortal again."

Minhyun's eyes widened. "I'm not—"

"You are," Dongho said, voice quiet even if there was no one else conscious enough to hear them. "Just a few weeks ago, you didn't have a name. You didn't care about this form."

"And now you're _someone,_ " said Minki. "You're someone in someone else's life— a _mortal_ , of all people." The disappointment in Minki's voice was apparent. "Haven't you learned your lesson?"

Minhyun couldn’t give a dignified response. This is _different._ He wasn't— he couldn't _possibly_ be making the same mistake.

"Consider this as a warning, not from the Governing Board, but from your _friends_ — you are walking a dangerous path. Honestly, we're scared." Aron's voice was desperate, and Minhyun couldn't avoid his concerned eyes. "You can't do this to yourself—"

"I _know_ what I'm doing," Minhyun tried to say.

"—not again, Minhyun." Time started flowing around them, but all Minhyun could focus on was the intensity on his friends' faces. "This is your last warning."

And then they vanished. A part of Minhyun felt helpless; a part of him knew what the right thing to do would be.

A part of him already accepted that he was never going to do what was right for either of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO I'M BACK school had been toxic for the past 3 weeks but i'm glad to be writing again!!!! chapter 7 will come in a few days to make up for the long break hehe  
> thank you to everyone who has supported this fic!! i love reading all your comments; they really make my day <3 the fic has hit the halfway mark and tbh this is a slow chapter compared to the rest that i've planned already. hope you all stick around until the end!
> 
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien) or talk to me on [curiouscat (/junfhongs)](https://curiouscat.me/junfhongs)!!


	7. Chapter 7

"I need you to do me a favor."

Minhyun raised an eyebrow and he silently placed his hand on Jonghyun's head as he collapsed on the couch beside him. "I'm pretty sure we've established that I don't grant wishes for free—"

"I'm not asking you to save a fucking soul, Minhyun," said Jonghyun, groaning at the situation he was in. "Seongwoo cornered me and invited me to a night out for drinks with the team."

"And you need me, why?"

"Because he told me to bring someone, _preferably_ the guy who I've been having sex with, as per Seongwoo's request," said Jonghyun, and he attempted to smother himself with a throw pillow. Minhyun pried the soft weapon out of his hands and laughed at Jonghyun's mortification. "I hate this, Minhyun."

Minhyun was laughing as he turned off the TV and held Jonghyun's head on his lap. "I'm sorry I couldn't be more discreet?"

"It's not your _entirely_ your fault," said Jonghyun, despair slowly fading into his laughter. "Besides, I just… want to live a normal life again." He looked up at Minhyun and smiled. "Can you help me with that?"

 _A normal life…_ Jonghyun didn't think that was possible for him anymore. Then this all happened, and now Jonghyun was in the position to actually start living again. Maybe Minhyun could be a part of that.

"I want you to live, Jonghyun." The honesty in his voice calmed something that constantly upset Jonghyun's stomach. Minhyun wanted him to live and to keep living as if he were just a normal guy living in a normal world. There was nothing manipulative in his eyes; this was _real._

Jonghyun got up and swallowed the lump in his throat. "Dress code is anything that looks good."

"No problem on my end," said Minhyun. "How about yours?"

"Fuck off," Jonghyun said as he shoved Minhyun's head to the side. Minhyun laughed and caught Jonghyun's hand. He pressed a kiss on his palm and leaned into the touch as Jonghyun cupped his jaw. "Thank you," Jonghyun whispered.

"I'm glad," said Minhyun, and he closed his eyes when Jonghyun leaned down to kiss his forehead.

 

 

———

 

 

Jonghyun knew that this night was going to be a mess the moment he saw Seongwoo's overly-interested smirk from the doorway of the crowded club Hyerin had picked out. The group quickly welcomed them to the table they rented out for five hours, graciously paid for by their loving bosses.

"You're late, Jonghyun! Picked up your boyfriend?" Daniel grinned at them.

Jonghyun quickly shook his head, and Minhyun turned his head to the side to hide his laughter. "It's— we're really not—"

"I'm just his plus-one for tonight, don't worry." Minhyun placed his arm over Jonghyun's shoulders, pulling him _uncomfortably close_ for a mere plus-one. "Hwang Minhyun. Nice to meet you all."

"Well, Minhyun," Seongwoo clasped his shoulder, "welcome to the team. Treat our poor Jonghyun right, and we'll keep the drinks coming. Hey, Taehyun!" Seongwoo yelled at the bartender. "Give us a tray of shots!"

"A tray of poison, coming right up!"

"'Poison?'" Jonghyun's eyes widened. "I don't think that's a good idea—"

"Don't be boring, Jonghyun," said Minhyun. He handed a glass to Jonghyun and quickly downed his shot.

"I'm not _boring_ ," Jonghyun hissed. "I just have _some_ sense of self-preservation." Jonghyun hated it when Seongwoo picked drinks for him, but he tolerated the burning down his throat if it meant being able to keep up with his damn friends. Going back to his list, 'new friends' should have been his top priority.

"Suck it up, buddy," said Seongwoo. "I'm sure he's good at that, right, Minhyun?"

Jonghyun threw a coaster at him and laughed along with the rest of the group. He was settled in the booth beside Jinah when Minhyun kissed his cheek and said he would go to the bar to order his own mix. Jonghyun squeezed his arm and watched as he walked away, easily parting the dense crowd with a grin and a hand running through his hair.

He didn't realize he was staring until his officemates started nudging him and whistling to get his attention again. "You sure he's just a plus-one?" Daniel teased. "That was a _heavy_ look."

"Yes, I'm pretty damn sure," said Jonghyun. It wasn't a lie; it was merely… a half-truth. A quarter-truth even. Even just a tiny sliver of truth in a whole chunk of backstory was enough for Jonghyun to maintain this lie.

Jonghyun looked at Minhyun, slowly walking towards their table with a bucket of ice-cold beer. The dress code was anything that looked good, and Minhyun certainly delivered. Jonghyun found himself staring at Minhyun's sharp eyes, even brighter now as he traversed through the darkness of the club. Minhyun was striding towards him and him _alone_ ; Jonghyun was breathless in anticipation.

"Can you lighten up for a second? You look like you're about to eat him up," Hyunbin said as he giggled over his drink. Jonghyun quickly snapped out of his trance, and he took the bottle of beer gratefully when Minhyun dropped the bucket on their table.

"Bottoms up!" said Minhyun, and Jonghyun's eyes widened as he actually attempted to chug the whole thing in one go. He stopped halfway when he felt all their eyes on him, waiting for him to push through. Minhyun laughed and wiped a bit of beer off the corners of his mouth. Jonghyun was still gaping at him. "I can take care of myself, you know."

"I know," said Jonghyun. Minhyun leaned closer just to hear him speak; Jonghyun wasn't bothered by the proximity. "Just make sure I don't have to drag you back home drunk."

"No worries," Minhyun said, and he grinned before kissing Jonghyun on the cheek and picking his bottle back up. The rest of the team cheered at the little display of affection that left Jonghyun as a blushing mess beside Minhyun who was easily socializing with his bosses. Really, this night was a _mess._

It got worse as the drinks kept flowing, and Jonghyun couldn't keep track of what was in his hands and in his body. Daniel and Seongwoo egged each other on, and the night evolved from rapid drinking to speed dating competitions that even the girls competed in. There were drinks, a plate of fries that fell on the floor after Hyunbin tripped on himself, more drinks, and even more laughter.

What stayed constant was the warmth of Minhyun by his side and the whispers he left by Jonghyun's ear, close enough for his breath to tickle the nearby hairs. Minhyun was loud, laughing, and _so_ comfortable; it almost made Jonghyun feel as if he had known these people for forever.

He just slipped into the role so easily. Jonghyun was afraid that he would be out of place, that he wouldn't be able to mingle with mortals that didn't understand who he was and what he was capable of. But maybe Jonghyun wasn't special in that way; Minhyun was fine. He could be _normal._

"Hey," said Minhyun, tugging on his arm, "come with me."

"Where?" Jonghyun asked, not liking where this was going. Minhyun was already tipsier than usual, and Jonghyun couldn't count on himself to be relatively sober at this point.

"Dance with me," Minhyun said, voice breathy and eyes hooded. There was something disarming about his expression; it made Jonghyun mirror that challenge in his eyes. Still, Minhyun's challenge was bordering on predation, and Jonghyun wasn't eager to have this sight burned into his coworkers' minds for the rest of their lives.

"You realize you can't dance, right?" Jonghyun said as the booth opened up just for him to get out and hold onto Minhyun's hand.

"When I said, 'dance with me', I wasn't actually thinking of dancing," Minhyun whispered as they got deep enough into the crowd. "You look really fucking good, by the way."

The darkness couldn't hide Jonghyun's deepening flush; the alcohol was to blame for that. "I'm quite literally wearing my office clothes."

"Did I mince my words?" Minhyun mumbled right by Jonghyun's ear. It wasn't like they had much space for decency. The crowd was tight enough for them to be pressed against each other, and Jonghyun didn't hesitate to return Minhyun's kiss as soon as he leaned in.

It was the alcohol. It was _definitely_ the alcohol that made Jonghyun so pliable in Minhyun's arms, so willing to bury his fingers into Minhyun's hair and rise on his toes to crush their lips together. It was the alcohol that made Minhyun so reckless, so _delightfully_ aggressive as they swayed with the crowd, still attached by the lips. This was bad, _very bad,_ and Jonghyun was helpless to his own whims as Minhyun dragged him deeper into this moment. The bass was loud enough to block out everything else: sound, sight, touch— _everything,_ everything other than the body pressed against him.

What scared him most was that he didn't feel like himself anymore. Hell, this entire moment felt unreal. There was something possessive about the hand on his hip, and for a moment, Jonghyun was afraid of the person holding him close. Minhyun wasn't kissing with drunken lust; this was desperation, but for what? What made him hold onto Jonghyun as if being parted from him would tear his soul apart?

The spell broke when Jonghyun heard his name being called out repeatedly, like drops of cold water dripping down his back. They started as muffled noises, and then they pierced through the atmosphere, forcing Jonghyun to peel himself away from Minhyun. He tilted his head to meet Minhyun's eyes, but he refused to look up as Jonghyun dragged him out of the crowd.

Hyunbin was whistling at them as they approached the booth, and _then_ it dawned on Jonghyun that they were all intently watching _that_. Oh, this night was a _whole_ mess, and Jonghyun hoped that they would get drunk enough to forget all about it.

It was unlikely though, especially with the shocked expression on Seongwoo's face as he lowered his phone slowly. "Holy shit, you two."

Minhyun started laughing breathily, but he still couldn't shake that dark look on his face. He buried his nose in Jonghyun's hair and kissed his temple. "I'll go get some space."

"You go do that," Jonghyun said, weakly pushing him away as his bosses approached the group. "Sorry you had to see… that."

Hyerin bit her lip. "We were all the way across the bar, and I'm pretty sure everyone else from that side saw that too."

"Wow, Jonghyun. I didn't know you had it in you to do… that," said Jinah, and the two girls giggled before looking away. Jonghyun grit his teeth and desperately wished to dig himself a hole to hide in right at this very moment.

"You know, I was starting to think that Hyunbin and I would have to drag you two away from each other if we waited a little longer," teased Daniel, and Jonghyun almost knocked the beer bottle out of his hand with how strongly he punched Daniel's arm. "Ouch! Hey, I'm just glad you're able to walk out of bed everyday. I'm sure it's _rough—_ "

"Stop. Please stop," Jonghyun said, voice cracking. "It's— he's not normally like this."

Jinah placed a hand on Jonghyun's arm. "Oh, I'm sure he's a sweetheart."

Jonghyun snorted. "'Sweetheart' isn't exactly the right word—"

"Yeah, he's more like a little puppy when it comes to Jonghyun," said Hyerin, grinning at Jonghyun's sudden confusion. "Even with us strangers, he's loud and friendly. When it comes to you, he's like a small puppy waiting for your attention. His eyes get all soft and he can't help but touch you all the time _._ " Her eyes grew huge. " _All the time,_ Jonghyun."

He blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'll tell him to ease up on the contact next time."

"Don't! It's cute!" Jinah said. "Maybe that's why the impromptu make out session was so weird. His eyes got _so dark;_ it was scary. You just went along without batting an eye."

Hyunbin snorted. "He's in love with you, Jonghyun. We're scheduling the talk next week."

 _"Please don't,"_ said Jonghyun, and he laughed hesitantly when Hyunbin caught him in a headlock. Briefly, he glanced at the direction Minhyun went. He was probably hiding out in the bathroom; what was taking him so long? Jonghyun slid out of Hyunbin's grasp and stood. "I'll go look for Minhyun. I don't know what's gotten into him; I should check—"

"Go," said Seongwoo. "Chase after your man." He grabbed Jonghyun's hand before he ran off. "If you're not back by twenty minutes, we'll start thinking that you're fucking."

The table laughed, and Jonghyun smacked Seongwoo's head, not wanting to put up with his crap for a minute longer. Drinking with everyone was fun, but after a while, he was reminded of why he avoided it so much. The people in his life were great, and he should have been grateful that in this version of history, they were the ones who were by his side. Jonghyun had already adjusted, and he knew his place in these people's lives. He just had to keep going.

A part of him still wanted to hide. He wanted to be stubborn, to insist that the life he once knew was _real,_ but in this world, it would have just been a twisted dream. There was nothing, no one stopping him from living this life peacefully.

Except maybe Minhyun, not by making his life any more difficult, but by making it so colorful, so _different_ from the dullness that he once knew. Minhyun, in this lifetime, was an anomaly, but getting rid of him would break Jonghyun more than he thought it would.

"Hey," he whispered as he entered the bathroom. Minhyun was by the sink, staring at the ground. "You okay?"

Minhyun fell into his arms, resting his forehead on Jonghyun's shoulder and hugging him by the waist. "I don't know what's going on," he slurred. "I'm not… I've never been a lightweight. I think it's this— this _fucking body_."

Jonghyun laughed, careful not to be too loud or he'd make Minhyun's headache worsen. "Oh, Minhyun actually _was_ an awful lightweight. I'm sorry you had to find out like this."

"I was aware," Minhyun mumbled. "I just didn't think I'd inherit that after taking his form."

Jonghyun chuckled and pulled back to smooth over the lines on Minhyun's face. He looked pale, tired. "You really made an impression out there."

"Did I do well? Do your friends like me?" This was a familiar Minhyun: clingy, pliant, and desperate for validation. Jonghyun was feeling generous tonight, so he pulled Minhyun down to kiss him softly. This was… calmer, sweeter, less all-consuming than the one they shared earlier. Jonghyun preferred Minhyun like this; it was easier to pretend that he was just a normal, clingy drunk instead of a being who shouldn't exist by Jonghyun's side like this.

"—oh sorry!" The sound of the door opening forced them apart, but Minhyun quickly went back to his position on Jonghyun's shoulder, not caring about the sudden stranger. Well, the stranger was a bewildered Seongwoo, so it wasn't too bad. "You know, catching you two like this might be worse than watching you two make out in public."

"Very funny, Seongwoo. At least I have someone, unlike you, who was rejected by at least three girls and four guys tonight." Minhyun laughed at Seongwoo's stunned silence. "We're going home."

"Please, take care of your poor guy," said Seongwoo, smiling at the way Minhyun slowly peeled himself off Jonghyun. He looked at Jonghyun. "Got a second?"

"I'll go ahead; I think I left my coat at the table," Minhyun said as he left, not forgetting to glare at Seongwoo before exiting the bathroom. Seongwoo shook his head and placed a hand on Jonghyun's shoulder.

"You lucked out on that guy. He really likes you." When Jonghyun could only smile and look away, Seongwoo's expression changed. "You don't… feel the same way?"

"No, I—" Jonghyun bit his lip before he could say anything more. "It's complicated."

"It usually is. Relationships are pretty damn complicated," Seongwoo mumbled.

"Must be why you have commitment issues," Jonghyun mumbled back, and he gladly welcomed the punch on his arm. "I like him, okay?"

Seongwoo leaned on the bathroom sink and immediately regretted it as his hip landed on something wet and _sticky_. "Ugh, gross. Where did Minhyun come from again?"

"Um, Busan?" Jonghyun could only laugh at Seongwoo's deadpan expression. "Look, we just met randomly and hit it off. No story."

 _Big story,_ Jonghyun wanted to say, _but there's no way you'd believe me._

"Now I actually have to go and take him home. Bye, Seongwoo," said Jonghyun. "Thanks for the invite."

"You don't have to act like you're an outsider to this, Jonghyun." He was serious. Seongwoo was drunk, sure, but still serious. "You've been like this for the past month or so. I don't know what made you feel like things changed, but you've been strange recently."

Jonghyun bit his lip in guilt. _So they noticed._

"Except tonight," Seongwoo said. "He brought you out of your shell again. I think he's good for you."

That… stunned Jonghyun. Minhyun was _good_ for him?

Sometimes Jonghyun liked to pretend that Minhyun wasn't real. That was easy when no one knew who he was, when he was just that figure that would show up in his apartment or in front of his office to pick him up. It was easy when Jonghyun compartmentalized the normal side of his life with the supernatural lying in bed with him every night.

But now that he blurred the line, it was getting too difficult to keep this up. Minhyun was _real;_ he was real to the people in Jonghyun's life, and his effect on Jonghyun was real too.

This wasn't a dream. It wasn't a game either.

Minhyun was being petted by Hyerin and Jinah by the time Jonghyun returned to the booth. Jonghyun dragged him out of his seat and laughed as the two girls complained. "We like him! Bring him again next time!" Jinah said, slurring even more so than before.

"We like him more than you, Jonghyun," said Daniel, and he flashed his usual bright grin at Jonghyun's blank stare. "Take care." Jonghyun pointedly ignored how he winked at them as they left hand-in-hand.

Jonghyun took a deep, deep breath when they finally emerged out of the damn club. Minhyun was right behind him as they attempted to hail a cab. He was quiet, but he made his presence known through the hand on Jonghyun's and the arm pulling Jonghyun close by the shoulders.

The touch was welcomed, especially after the night of mind-numbing music and drinking. Jonghyun could hear Minhyun's breathing, feel it against his back. _Warm and real._ _Right._

Minhyun was still silent, even as they got into the cab. Jonghyun allowed him to stretch his legs out and lean on Jonghyun. This silence was… wrong. Something about Minhyun's pensiveness was just wrong.

Then Minhyun started crying, warm tears flowing down his face out of nowhere. Jonghyun held his hand, but Minhyun was unresponsive, eyes blank and staring at the passing scenery of the city. "I'm sorry," Minhyun whispered. It was broken; _he_ was broken.

"For what? Minhyun, why are you crying?" asked Jonghyun. No matter how tightly he held Minhyun, the tears wouldn't stop.

"I'm sorry," he repeated, but the words were leading to a truth that Jonghyun didn't expect to hear. "I'm scared, Jonghyun. I don't want you to get hurt… not that way that she did."

 _Oh,_ Jonghyun thought to himself. The Reaper, an endless mystery, was finally opening up to him. It didn't feel like a victory.

"I loved her, you know?" The tears stopped flowing, but Minhyun didn't sound any better. "She was brave, like you. Beautiful, like you." Minhyun looked up at Jonghyun. "She was smarter though."

Jonghyun flicked his forehead. "Ass."

Minhyun chuckled, but his eyes seemed even sadder now. "I loved her, and what's most important is that she loved me back." The silence that followed was deafening. There was a story to be told, but Minhyun didn't want to tell it yet.

Jonghyun couldn't bear the thought of waiting any longer. "And?"

"And she was mortal, Jonghyun." His voice cracked again. "They didn't like that. Then they used it against me."

"'They,' being?"

"The Board of Reapers." Minhyun grit his teeth. "They killed her, and then they made me take her soul."

Jonghyun could only imagine the sight of someone he loved taking his soul away. It was terrifying to be on that end of the exchange, but what did it feel like for the Reaper? What did it feel like to be their guide to death? Was it soul-rending? Did it make the Reaper want to break?

"She hated me, Jonghyun," said Minhyun, voice barely more than a whisper. "I told I would protect her, and then I took her soul and watched as they made her reincarnate over and over again, one miserable life after another. It was my punishment as much as it was hers: to watch her suffer without being able to do anything about it.

"It was my fault. It was all _my fault._ " Minhyun stopped crying, but now he couldn't meet Jonghyun's eyes. "I'm scared that they'll do that to you, Jonghyun. I'm scared that I won't be able to protect you, like how I wasn't able to protect her. _I'm scared—_ " Jonghyun reached out for his hand, _"—because I just can't stay away."_

Minhyun kissed Jonghyun's knuckles, cheek pressed against his skin in an attempt to calm himself down. Jonghyun was… paralyzed with fear, as usual. He _knew_ this was wrong. He _knew_ that this could never end well, but to hear it from Minhyun himself? That he could die and keep suffering, even more than he already did in this lifetime? It made him want to run, but he knew he was bound to Minhyun now. _This_ was real too.

"That night at the temple," Minhyun said suddenly, eyes clear and bright as he stared at Jonghyun's face, "I'll never forget the way you begged for Minhyun's soul again. You were so desperate, _so in love,_ so determined to bring him back."

"I was," said Jonghyun. He would have done _anything_ for Minhyun's soul. Wasn't he already living through the consequences of that?

"I remember watching you beg," Minhyun whispered, "and I remember wishing that I begged for her soul back too."

 _Oh._ The bravest thing that Jonghyun ever did in his pathetic mortal life was the one regret of the immortal crying in his lap. "I keep asking myself, 'why did you do it?' I spent months alone, wandering around and shirking my duties in an attempt to bring myself back to the reaper I used to be before she came into my world. I thought I was doing well, but the moment I saw you… I broke." Jonghyun stopped breathing. _"You broke me, Jonghyun._

"Everything I thought I fixed, everything I had locked away— it all came back when I heard you beg. I wish I _tried._ I wish I didn't just take her soul and recite words that the reapers fed me, telling her that I didn't just ruin her life; I ruined her _soul._ I wish…" Minhyun bit his lip. "I wish I could have been brave, like you."

Jonghyun stiffened. "I'm not brave. That was the only brave thing I've ever done."

"That doesn't matter," said Minhyun. "What matters is what you did when you needed to do it." His hands held Jonghyun's again. "You're a greater person than I will ever be, Jonghyun. And now I can't let you go."

Jonghyun held Minhyun close as he broke down again, as he shook with the sobs that racked his body. "I'm sorry, Jonghyun. I want to protect you— I can't let it happen again… I'm— _I'm so sorry…_ "

Jonghyun couldn't admit it then, but he was scared too. If this killed a girl, if this broke Minhyun, what more could it do to someone as broken as Jonghyun? What more could they do to punish him for taking Minhyun in and—

He didn't fall for him, _no_ , but… his life had been inexplicably tangled with Minhyun's for a while now. Even if he was terrified of everything he could lose by staying, Jonghyun couldn't run. Not now, not _ever_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this came a lot faster than i expected hahaha (and it's a lot longer too lol)  
> so yes, that's the big backstory behind the reaper. hopefully it explains his motivations more clearly. at first, i didn't actually have a backstory for him; this entire thing came in the middle of writing and re-plotting. the reaper is a lot more broken than you'd think  
> and if it isn't already clear, this story isn't actually focused on jonghyun getting real!minhyun back. more and more plot will happen that will smooth things over, so stay tuned for that ;)
> 
> thank you to everyone who's read and commented!!!! i really appreciate you all <33
> 
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien) or talk to me on [curiouscat (/junfhongs)](https://curiouscat.me/junfhongs)!!  
> (i'm willing to answer any questions abt this fic haha bc things are going to…… get darker soon and i want to clear things up as we approach the final stretch!!!)


	8. Chapter 8

Jonghyun woke up to lips against his neck, soft breaths warming up his skin. "Good morning," whispered Minhyun, his fingers trailing across Jonghyun's chest to turn him to his side for a deep kiss. This was… a _good_ way to wake up.

He got a grip on Minhyun's shirt and weakly pushed back as Minhyun attempted to sneak his hand downwards. "Mmm, what time is it? Why didn't my alarm ring?" Jonghyun asked, and his body was too heavy from last night's activities to crane his head towards the clock.

"Turned it off. I thought you might need a few more minutes," Minhyun mumbled against the crown of Jonghyun's head. He was particularly rough last night—he had been for the past few nights, actually—and as much as Jonghyun would love to tell him off for it, he couldn't. At least, not until it became too much. And it wasn't. It was… good.

Things were suspiciously _too_ good, really. Waking up like this was common; wanting to come home to someone watching TV or washing the dishes in advance was a regular part of Jonghyun's day. Even with the revelations from that night, neither of them wanted to change anything about this arrangement. It was careless— _purely stupid_ on Jonghyun's part, now that he was aware, but if Minhyun wasn't letting up, neither could he.

"Was waking me up like this something you thought I needed too?" asked Jonghyun, a smile blossoming on his face. Minhyun chuckled and let his hands and lips do the rest of the talking that morning.

 

 

———

 

 

"I have to go to work," said Jonghyun, body sweaty and tired as Minhyun collapsed beside him.

Minhyun nodded as he was panting. "Me too. Go shower first."

"Thanks." Jonghyun kissed his forehead. He tried looking for his boxers on the floor but realized that there was no point in getting dressed now. "Pick something up for breakfast."

"Sure," said Minhyun, lying comfortably with his hands behind his head as he watched Jonghyun walking around naked. "I'll enjoy the view for now."

Jonghyun found his boxers and threw it at Minhyun's face. Minhyun's bright grin and stupid laugh emerged from behind the cloth.  "Shut up and get me food," he said under his breath.

As Jonghyun showered, he thought about how easy this had all been. He was _very much_ aware that this wasn't the real Minhyun. He knew it was an illusion, but it was so _real._ It was so accurate; he could easily lean into this Minhyun's touch and hit him as he laughed, and nothing would feel out of place.

Sometimes, Jonghyun would still wonder about the other Minhyun, wandering around there. Was he really still out there? Was that another illusion, another lie that the Reaper cooked up? _No time to wonder about that,_ Jonghyun thought to himself. He had his own life to live now.

When he left the bathroom, he caught Minhyun standing by his dresser, transfixed on something. "Hey," said Jonghyun, and Minhyun jumped back. "Need anything?"

"I left my watch the other night," he said, raising it in his left hand. "Breakfast's ready."

"Thanks. I'll wait for you," said Jonghyun, kissing Minhyun on the cheek as he passed by. There was something blank in Minhyun's eyes as he walked towards the bathroom, as he stood there where Jonghyun caught him. It was pensive, distant. It reminded Jonghyun of the Reaper he first knew before that person slowly transformed into a fixture in Jonghyun's life. _Weird._

Jonghyun was changing into his office clothes when he heard Minhyun singing in the shower. It was just as sweet as ever, just as beautiful. Jonghyun could recall hearing that voice for the first time and wishing that he could hear it every day of his life. He remembered many nights with that voice singing in his ear, _pissing him off_ until the late, late, early hours of the morning. Now that he was hearing it again, maybe he wouldn't mind putting up with that again.

 _Wait._ He got what he asked for last time; now he's too afraid of the consequences. _Maybe_ he would rather not ask favors like that from the Reaper ever again.

Jonghyun waited in the kitchen for Minhyun to emerge from the shower, as fresh as he could be with a blossoming mark peeking out from under his collar. Breakfast was quick, and they quickly fell into a pattern for washing dishes. Jonghyun didn't know why, but he couldn't help but bring it up. "You have a beautiful voice."

Minhyun blushed. It was a cute look on him. "Of course, I do," he said, and he leaned down to kiss the skin behind Jonghyun's ear. It was still an unfamiliar spot, one that left Jonghyun's spine rigid. "It's what was in your memories of him."

 _Oh._ That made sense. It didn't help with the strange feeling creeping up along Jonghyun's spine, telling him to bristle as Minhyun attempted to sidle up to him with wet hands just to piss him off. Minhyun got the message quickly and he backed off.

Minhyun stopped suddenly, almost dropping a plate in his surprise. "I… have to go. Assignment."

"Got it," said Jonghyun. As much as he wanted to flinch away from the kiss coming on his forehead, Jonghyun was pinned to his spot by the cold hands that held his face. Minhyun was still scanning his face, but Jonghyun's skin was starting to burn. _"Go,"_ he said, not wanting to alarm Minhyun if he weren't aware of what was happening to him. Minhyun smiled hesitantly before walking away, sparing Jonghyun one last glance before he closed the door behind him.

Jonghyun pressed his hands to his cheeks, trying hard to gain some of the warmth back. Maybe Minhyun didn't mean to, but Jonghyun took it as a reminder. This couldn't be as real as he wanted it to be.

 

 

———

 

 

"Hey, do you want to go out for lunch?" asked Daniel, already starting to loosen his tie. Jonghyun was attached to his phone; Minhyun would usually call by now, telling him to go out or to meet him somewhere. Daniel smirked at Jonghyun's hesitation. "Trouble in paradise? Come on; your boyfriend won't mind if you go out with your friends for once."

"He's not my boyfriend," Jonghyun said, preoccupied with the emptiness of his inbox.

Daniel shrugged. "Sure, Jonghyun. I'll believe that if you actually go out with us for once. Where does Minhyun work again? I thought I saw him around the other day."

Jonghyun's spine stiffened. Minhyun was usually invisible to others, choosing only to appear if he wanted to interact or if he was with Jonghyun. The thought of the others seeing the _real_ Minhyun, approaching him with familiarity and friendliness… it was a clash of worlds that Jonghyun didn't want to deal with.

"He… works in publishing, a few blocks from here," Jonghyun said. _Half-truths, always._ "I'm surprised he was out and about. He's usually too busy to go out unless we're having lunch together. I try not to bother him; that's why I'm always the one waiting around."

That was… safe? At least they wouldn't attempt to approach him, for the most part. Daniel seemed to have bought it, but the offer still stood. "Come on, Jonghyun. Now I know your boyfriend's too busy for you."

Jonghyun groaned and took his coat from the wall of his cubicle. "Again, _not_ my boyfriend."

"Keep denying it," said Daniel, expertly avoiding the punch headed towards his arm. "It's cuter that way!"

Jonghyun's day felt lighter, calmer as he went out with Daniel and Hyunbin. Seongwoo followed, dragging the cloud over his head along as he recalled how Jinah roasted him right before a presentation with the higher-ups to get his head on straight. "I felt like shit," he lamented. "… It was almost hot."

"Oh, _gross_ ," Hyunbin said. "Shut up."

"This is why I refuse to talk to you most of the time," said Jonghyun, laughing as Seongwoo huffed in indignation. They were the last ones in the lunch rush of this particular restaurant, and Jonghyun leaned back to really look at his friends. They were idiots, sure, but as he got used to their new versions in this story, Jonghyun felt safest when he was with them. He could laugh now. He was where he wanted to be.

Jonghyun's phone rang. He excused himself from the group and went to the quiet hallway leading to the restroom. "Hello?"

 _"Hello, is this Kim Jonghyun?"_ a lady said.

"Yes?"

_"Good day. This is a representative from Seoul Medical."_

_What—_

_"You were listed as the emergency contact for Hwang Minhyun? He was caught in a car accident half an hour ago and is currently in surgery."_

"What."

_"Just calling to inform you and to ask if you would be able to come to the hospital and handle his paperwork and wait for him to come out of the operating room."_

Jonghyun's mouth went dry. "I— yes, I'm on my way right now. I'm his… emergency contact." Jonghyun couldn't find the right words to say. "I'm— I'm hanging up."

_"Thank you—"_

Jonghyun didn't wait for her to finish. He went back to the table and grabbed his coat in a hurry. The rest of them quickly picked up on the bewilderment on his face, the paleness that was sucking the life out of him. "I— there's been an emergency."

Seongwoo stood up. "Your family?"

"Minhyun," Jonghyun whispered, and he didn't know why his voice was cracking.

Daniel's eyes widened. "Do you want us to come with you?"

" _No,_ please," said Jonghyun. "I'll deal with this. Just… tell Hyerin I had something to deal with suddenly. I'm going."

Jonghyun didn't wait for them to acknowledge him either. His hands were shaking as he rode the subway. Suddenly, the underground felt suffocating. Suddenly, there were weights on his shoulder, dragging him down with each step he took towards the hospital doors.

Sometime in the middle of the train ride, he started crying. They were silent tears, tears of confusion and fear. He didn't _really_ know why he was crying, why he was so scared, why this loss felt so similar to the first one.

This wasn't the first time he received that call. This wasn't his first train ride of tears. This wasn't the first time he felt his heart breaking at the thought of the loss he could face, but this time— _this time_ —he didn't think it could happen again.

 _No. He's not gone yet,_ Jonghyun tried to tell himself.

This brought him to the next question: how the hell did his Hwang Minhyun have a record in the hospital? Was this the Reaper's doing or… was it a glitch in the system that he had rigged? Could this be Jonghyun's chance to walk straight into the life of _that_ Hwang Minhyun? _No,_ it couldn't be that easy. The Reaper was thorough; he wouldn't have left a loose thread like this.

But the questions didn't stop until Jonghyun arrived at the hospital, bundled up in his scarf but still shaking from within. "Hwang Minhyun," he whispered to the nurse. "Where is he?"

She felt his panic and quickly looked at her tablet for this patient's status. "He… just got out of surgery." Jonghyun released a breath.  "They're transferring him to a private room right now. Are you his family?"

"I—" Jonghyun didn't know how to respond. "Yes— no, actually. Kim Jonghyun, emergency contact."

"I see," she said dryly. "I'll lead you to his room."

Jonghyun's knees were still shaking as he walked the familiar halls of this hospital. Last time, he only made it to the waiting area outside the operating room, hands gripping his knees as the doctor approached him with a hesitant gait. Last time, he received news that the love of his life was dead.

This time, it was a little better. Still, something _wrong_ was settling in Jonghyun's stomach, almost as bad as that night when he ran towards the nearby temple to beg for a second chance. As he walked towards that room, it felt like he was walking towards something terrifying and unknown once again. His hand hesitated over the door knob.

The room was busy with nurses setting up various machines hooked up on Minhyun. _Oh, Minhyun,_ Jonghyun thought as the warmth that once filled his cheeks was replaced with a terrifying pallor. This was the face of a man who just evaded death.

"Are you here to watch over him?" the doctor asked. "I'm Doctor Yoon Jisung, the surgeon that handled his operation."

"Yes. Kim Jonghyun. Thank you," said Jonghyun, and they shook hands quickly. "How— how is he?"

Jisung looked tired, but he regarded Minhyun with curiosity. "His injuries were extensive, but the surgery was so smooth. It was as if everything wrong with him was just set up to be fixed quickly. Strange, but I'm grateful for it. He'll recover quickly, I promise."

Jonghyun found it in himself to smile. "That's… great news."

"I'll leave you alone with him," said Jisung. "His belongings are in the drawer beside his bed. Vending machines are along the hallway. You should relax for now. He'll be fine."

"Thank you," said Jonghyun, and he waited for everyone to leave before he approached Minhyun's bed. His hand hovered over Minhyun's, still afraid to touch him or he could _break._ Jonghyun opened the bedside drawer, and the first thing he saw was their promise ring. _How?_

Jonghyun took it in his hand and remembered Minhyun, _just this morning,_ standing by his dresser, preoccupied by something Jonghyun couldn't see. There was no way that the real Minhyun could have this; this person, this man whose face was paler than anyone Jonghyun had ever seen… this was _his_ Minhyun now.

With that, Jonghyun found the courage to take his hand. He expected the cold; he didn't expect it to be _freezing._ He couldn't even hold Minhyun's hand against his cheek to remind him that there was someone waiting for him to wake up, to be okay.

Jonghyun couldn't handle it any longer; he dropped Minhyun's hand and seethed in pain. Maybe… he needed to take a break. The day was young, but this past hour dragged on forever. Jonghyun could afford to take a breath now.

As Jonghyun sat in front of the vending machines with a bottle of water, hands still shaking, it suddenly dawned on him that this was _impossible._ The Reaper he knew was powerful, beyond anything they could comprehend. There was no way he could be caught in a _car accident_ , of all things; he would have stopped that in its tracks or teleported away in a split second.

So how— _how_ did Minhyun end up in this situation? How come Jonghyun couldn't stop worrying, thinking of scenarios over and over again just to make sure that this was really happening? How come the doctor's words felt meaningless when it came to reassuring Jonghyun that everything would be fine?

For the first time in months, Jonghyun prayed. He prayed with his fists clenched over his knees— the same knees that were rubbed raw as he slipped on the temple floor that night. He prayed for answers, for _meaning_ — not the same as his prayers from before, but with the same tone of helplessness that tinged his every word. He was almost afraid for his prayers to be answered this time.

… and he was right to be afraid.

As soon as he opened the door to Minhyun's room, the air immediately felt _wrong._ It felt like that night in the temple; it felt like he was begging for someone's life again. When he blinked, there were three figures standing over Minhyun's body, all faces in varying degrees of concern. One of them looked up at Jonghyun and narrowed his eyes.

"Who the hell are you?" Jonghyun managed to say, but he knew his bravado was going to run out quickly. These people… gave the exact same feeling of dread as Minhyun did when they first met. "I'm calling security—"

 _"Don't,"_ one of them said. He looked menacing, but the furrow in his brow as he looked at Minhyun again showed Jonghyun how much he cared about the man on the hospital bed. "I think you know who we are— _what_ we are."

"Reapers," Jonghyun said, almost as if he were in awe. "Minhyun mentioned— I didn't think there really were more of him."

"Oh, there's lots of us, but Minhyun's definitely special, huh?" One of them winked at Jonghyun, but the hesitation in his voice overshadowed his attempt to be playful. "I'm Aron. These are Minki and Dongho. We're… yes, reapers. Minhyun's friends, too."

"'Friends,'" Jonghyun echoed. "I didn't think Minhyun would have friends."

"He's not a very good friend," said the one that was supposed to be Minki, "but we're not just here to visit."

"This is a message from the Governing Board: Reaper 89, Batch 95 is now a mortal." Dongho almost seemed apologetic as he said it. Then things clicked in Jonghyun's mind. The reason why Minhyun was caught in that accident, why he was so helpless so suddenly— it was because he was a _mortal_ now.

_Minhyun, I'm so sorry._

"He was deemed unfit to continue his duties as a reaper," said Aron, flat and emotionless, like reciting words from a piece of paper. "He was stripped of his powers and his immortality."

Minki gripped the bars on the side of Minhyun's bed. "He now has to continue living in this form, living a life that was written for him by the other reapers."

Jonghyun's lungs felt like collapsing. _Oh._ Something about this was familiar, like déjà vu from an outsider's eyes.

"But we're not just coming here for an assignment; we're here as his friends," said Minki, voice shaking now. "We… can't help him anymore. Can't meddle in a mortal's life the way he did."

 _Oh._ So this _was_ Jonghyun's fault.

"All we can do is ask _you_ to help him," Dongho said. His eyes were soft, earnest. "He's… not going to adjust well to this. He'll be confused and furious and… you're the only one that's going to be there for him, Jonghyun. Minhyun needs you."

And then fury bubbled up within Jonghyun. He was being blamed for this guy's misery, and now he was expected to pick him up off the ground and coddle him until he got better? It seemed unfair that he was going to have someone looking after him while Jonghyun suffered those first few weeks not knowing if he had a friend or foe in the Reaper. "I was put in this position _because_ of him."

"No," Aron said, quiet but firm. "You were put in this position because of _yourself._ "

Like a sharp slap to the cheek, Jonghyun learned to keep quiet. Aron was right; no matter how many times Jonghyun attempted to shift the blame on Minhyun, this all began when he asked for his wish to be granted. Jonghyun bit his lip and stood tall, not wanting to hide from this anymore. The reapers seemed to understand that.

"There's going to be a huge gap between how he was and how he will be from now on," said Minki. "You're the only person who knows who he was and what he used to be capable of. You're the only one who can listen to him and know the pain he's experienced. You're the only one who he'll be able to listen to."

"But really," Dongho turned to sit on the couch, "if you wanted to run, this is the perfect opportunity."

"Dongho!" Minki hissed. "Don't— we can't just _leave_ him like this."

" _We_ don't have a choice; our hands are tied," said Dongho. He looked Jonghyun with blank eyes. " _You're_ free to do what you want. He doesn't have any power over you anymore. If you wanted to leave, if you wanted to move on and to start over… this is your chance."

The silence was deafening. Dongho… was right. Suddenly, Jonghyun wasn't bound to Minhyun anymore. The thought of that lifted a weight off Jonghyun's shoulders, then it was replaced by the burden of _choice._ Did he want to stay? Or was he going to take the opportunity to run?

"Think it over," Aron said. The three of them lined up by the door, watching as Jonghyun watched Minhyun's lifeless form. "We'll contact you if we need to."

"How— never mind," said Jonghyun, eyes back on Minhyun's pale lips. "I know you'll know where to find me." When he turned around, they were all gone. Jonghyun wasn't shocked anymore.

He sat on the couch facing the foot of Minhyun's bed. Jonghyun wanted to stay by his side, but there was no warmth to reach out to anyway. This was a lost cause, so why did Jonghyun still feel like staying?

 

 

———

 

 

Minhyun woke up to the sound of beeping, like an incessant alarm that refused to shut up. His eyes were bleary, and it took him a while to adjust to the minimal light that was spilling in through the blinds. His body felt like it was made of sand, slipping out of control but still so damn _heavy._

He tried to look around. He was alone. Something about this was unsurprising.

He passed out again.

 

 

———

 

 

Minhyun woke up to the sound of beeping and the sensation of something soft beneath his fingertips. Hair. _Jonghyun sleeping beside his bed._

"Hey," he tried to say, but it came out as a pained croak. Still, it was enough to rouse Jonghyun, sleepy eyes meeting Minhyun's. They widened slowly, and Jonghyun sat up straight to move closer to Minhyun's face. "Hey," Minhyun tried again.

"Hey." Jonghyun bit his lip. He quickly got a cup of water and helped Minhyun to sit up and drink. When he was about to put the cup back down, Minhyun stopped him to hold his hand. This time, his skin was warmer than ever. Jonghyun couldn't help but intertwine their fingers, tossing the cup away to take Minhyun's hands in his and lean in to kiss his knuckles.

"I'm sorry," Jonghyun whispered.

 _Oh._ Minhyun was shaking. The beeping in the background was getting faster. Minhyun cried. He knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE WE GO THERE'S THE ANGST i tried to make the last scene as understated as possible bc……… minhyun knew the consequences of his relationship with jonghyun were coming to get him. he knew this was bound to happen; he just didn't expect it would happen like this. 
> 
> i say this all the time, but we're finally approaching the final stretch of this fic!!!! thanks to everyone who's read, commented, and supported this fic <333
> 
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien) or talk to me on [curiouscat (/junfhongs)](https://curiouscat.me/junfhongs)!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: explicit sexual content

"This… is a fucking villa, Daniel."

Daniel laughed as he parked the car, and he yawned as he finally turned off the engine. "Nothing but the best, of course."

"You sure we have the same position, buddy?" asked Seongwoo, taking off his seatbelt and grabbing his bag from between his legs.

"Same position," Daniel opened his door and stepped out, but he poked his head back in with a wide grin, " _way_ higher salary than yours."

"Fucker," Seongwoo mumbled, and the chorus of laughter from the backseat was sleepy but amused.

Jonghyun sat up from his position on Minhyun's shoulder and stretched, hitting the side of Minhyun's head. "Sorry," he whispered, and he only received a nod and a weak smile in return. _That's the best one I've gotten in a while._

"I'll go check out the house," said Minhyun, and Seongwoo bounded out of the car and slung an arm over his shoulder as they gaped at how unnecessarily huge this rented house was. Hyunbin followed the two, and Jonghyun smiled at his sleepy over-eagerness. Jonghyun stretched as he stood up and went to Daniel who was opening the trunk.

They were silent as Daniel unloaded the bags. Daniel's usual eagerness was muted this time, and Jonghyun didn't know if it was because he had been driving for three hours since midnight or if it was because of—

"Hey," said Daniel, finally closing the trunk. Jonghyun knew from the moment that he and Minhyun entered the car silently and passed out as soon as the car entered the freeway— he knew that there would be questions involved. "Are you and Minhyun… okay?"

He was treading around the topic, something he didn't know if he could really ask about. Then again, it didn't really matter. It wasn't like Jonghyun could really give an answer that was… honest.

"It's nothing," Jonghyun answered simply, and it could be interpreted in too many ways. Jonghyun preferred the ambiguity, and that in itself was accurate too.

They hadn't talked properly in the two weeks since the hospital incident. Jonghyun remembered watching Minhyun wake up, watching him cry, watching him _break._ All he could do was sit there and feel pity. Minhyun didn't want it, but the only other emotion Jonghyun could offer Minhyun was regret. It wasn't good to dwell on that either.

The guys visited them in the hospital once, right before Minhyun was scheduled to be discharged. Jonghyun was surprised that they had so much to talk about, so many _memories shared._ Then he stood in the bathroom gripping the edges of the sink as foreign memories entered his mind like downloaded data that was coming too fast, too soon. Jonghyun smiled and shook his head at their concern, and he stared at Minhyun from his spot on the couch as their new memories dawned on them at the same time.

They met in university apparently. Minhyun was still a literature major in this version of events, and Jonghyun still felt himself falling at first sight. Their first kiss was still in Jonghyun's dorm room, awkward and cramped against the couch as Minhyun leaned in after a disastrous third date. Everything else was just as sweet, just as good as always. At least Jonghyun didn't have to lie about being happy with Minhyun.

Despite that, there were rogue memories with the _real_ Minhyun in his mind, messing up his version of events time and time again. After graduation, did this Minhyun take Jonghyun out for a date before slipping the keys of their new shared apartment into his coat pocket or did he just drop it on his lap before he got off the bus, winking and inviting him to come up for the night? Did Jonghyun's father clap Minhyun's back before they went back home on their first trip to Jonghyun's hometown or did he ruffle Minhyun's hair and tell him to visit again? It was like Jonghyun was dealing with the memories of three lifetimes, and he didn't know if he could handle it.

"Let's go in," Daniel said, bags in hand and a soft smile on his face. Jonghyun followed wordlessly and bounced as he heard the sea behind the house. The waves were loud, even with the gap between the house and the actual shore. Still, it reminded Jonghyun of home. It made him feel calm, _safe_.

"Thank you," said Jonghyun. Daniel stopped for a moment and pulled Jonghyun in for a headlock. Jonghyun shoved him away and grinned with his hand on the doorknob. "It feels just like I'm back in my hometown."

"Well, I am." Daniel laughed. "I hope this place is healing for you."

Jonghyun was stunned. He nodded and turned the knob slowly. He was hoping for some healing too, maybe for the two of them.

The first thing they saw as they entered was Hyunbin passed out on the couch. Seongwoo was poking him with his foot to try and wake him up, but he was starting to doze off too. Minhyun went down the stairs and leaned over the railing. "Three rooms. They're clean."

"Loser," said Seongwoo. "I'm taking one room."

"Hyunbin volunteers for the couch," said Jonghyun as he dropped the bags by the landing of the stairs. He looked up at Minhyun and attempted to smile. He received a grimace and a hand on his shoulder in return.

There was no verbal agreement that they would pretend that everything was fine; hell, there was barely any talking in the first place. This touch—as small as it was—was more than anything he got for the past two weeks. He got small smiles, a hand on his back, a shoulder to lean on, but a part of Jonghyun still missed the hands on his face, the lips on his neck, the arm over his waist as they slept. He didn't know this would break him so much.

"Did you see the master's bedroom?" asked Daniel, a knowing grin growing on his face. "It's all yours."

"Rules: please don't be too loud, and please throw your condoms when you're done." Seongwoo laughed as they gaped at him. "What? We _know_ you're fucking, but we'd like to not hear it, thank you very much."

Jonghyun buried his face in Minhyun's waist and smiled against the soft cotton of his shirt when Minhyun laughed and tightened his grip on Jonghyun's shoulder. "Noted," said Minhyun, and Jonghyun felt his hand go slack and softly drop. He went down to help Jonghyun with their bags, and they walked quietly up the stairs.

Even in the privacy of their shared room, Jonghyun and Minhyun remained silent. They unpacked the bare necessities and sat on opposite sides of the bed. Jonghyun was the first to slip under the covers and lie down. Minhyun was still staring at the ground when Jonghyun chose to speak. "I think Daniel wants to sleep in until lunch."

"Yeah, he deserves that," said Minhyun, and his spine finally relaxed. "I'm surprised he managed to stay awake in his half of the drive." When Minhyun lied down, he chose to be as far away as possible from Jonghyun, back against him from what Jonghyun could see in the dim light from the lamp on the bedside table. So. That was how they were now.

"Good night," said Jonghyun, and he turned off the lamp from his side of the room. When he turned to lie on his back, he could see the faintest sight of Minhyun, maybe gazing at him before he turned off his light.

Maybe Minhyun did look back at him, a tinge of regret in his eyes for everything that's happened between them. Maybe Minhyun was looking at him with fury that he couldn't express, not now that they were in the middle of playing the role of a happy couple. Maybe Minhyun couldn't help but crane his head to look at Jonghyun with a bit of that warmth that Jonghyun had missed so much. Maybe Jonghyun was hoping for that.

 _Oh well._ What's gone is gone, and Jonghyun embraced the darkness for one more night.

 

 

———

 

 

This weekend was supposed to be relaxing. Jonghyun was supposed to wake up at noon with food on the table, not a grocery list made from Daniel's sleepy requests and Seongwoo trailing behind him with a half-full cart of crap food and beer. "You sure this is enough?" asked Seongwoo, and Jonghyun looked back at him with a raised eyebrow.

"You want _more?_ You and Daniel are going to the hospital at the rate you want to go," Jonghyun said, and he hesitated before pulling out his card from his wallet. "And you're really not offering to pay?" Seongwoo stared at him. "Not even a fair split?"

"Jonghyun," Seongwoo solemnly placed a hand on his shoulder, "no."

Jonghyun sighed and stared as more of his money went down the drain for his friends' stupid ideas. It was Hyunbin's idea to go out for the weekend in a rest house somewhere, Daniel's idea to bring them all to his hometown in Busan, and Seongwoo's brilliant plan to drag Minhyun along. Apparently in this version of history, he and Minhyun were just as close as they were in the first one, except Seongwoo didn't have a chance to hit on Minhyun before he caught him making out with Jonghyun in the crowd of that dingy club. Funny how in this version of events, _that incident_ still managed to stick. The reapers were truly assholes.

The two of them managed to bring home some takeout to their household of sleepy, hungry grown men. "I can't believe we went all the way to Busan for _takeout food,_ " whined Hyunbin.

"We _could_ have gotten a local specialty if the two locals were actually awake," grumbled Jonghyun. Daniel and Minhyun were sheepish on the other end of the couch. "Eat up." Jonghyun stared longingly at the porch. "I'm going out for a while."

"Careful," said Minhyun. His eyes were hidden behind the flap of his takeout box, but Jonghyun knew he wasn't really looking up. "It's cold."

"Thanks," he replied. Jonghyun didn't really want him to follow or anything. He just wanted to be alone with the sounds of the sea and the cloudy skies above him.

As Jonghyun sat there, bundled up in his coat and his toes digging into the sand, he realized that this was the first time he was going to see this Minhyun interact with his friends as _one of them._ Sure, they had false memories given to them, but this Minhyun would undoubtedly be different from the person they remembered. Minhyun was a little quieter, dimmer from within. If they noticed the slightest change in Jonghyun before, wouldn't they see right past this façade of Minhyun's? Wouldn't this all just fall apart?

Jonghyun heard the door behind him open. He didn't turn to see who it was, but when he heard someone taking off his shoes and grumbling as wet sand got between his toes, Jonghyun had to hide his small smile before Minhyun sat beside him. It was just a little past two in the afternoon, but the sky was calm and dark enough. Jonghyun could look to his side and search for Minhyun's expression, but he didn't.

The waves got a little louder. "Your salt allergy—"

"It's fine," Minhyun replied. His sweater was too thin for the cold wind whipping past them. Jonghyun— _maybe_ —wanted to take him into his coat, or he would let Minhyun wear it and hold him from behind, keeping the warmth close between them.

In this version of history, that moment in Jonghyun's hometown still happened. He could still feel Minhyun's eyes on him, smiling so brightly even if it wasn't for the camera. He could feel the shape of Minhyun's hand against his. It killed Jonghyun to know that he might never be able to experience that again, not even with this Minhyun.

"Why'd you come out here?" said Jonghyun. The _'I know it's not because of me'_ was unspoken, but heard.

"I'm—" Minhyun chuckled, and the sound was unfamiliar but welcomed. "I don't really know… how to act around them. Your friends. _Our_ friends."

 _Oh, how the tables have turned._ "I know. It's like—"

"It's like they know me better than I know myself," said Minhyun. The wind swept his hair up, and Jonghyun resisted the urge to brush them out of his eyes. "I hate it."

This vulnerability… reminded Jonghyun of that night in the park. Except now, this wasn't out of place. This wasn't an anomaly, a crack in his armor. This was Minhyun _actually_ opening up to him, and it scared Jonghyun to witness it and still not know what to do, even if he was in his shoes at one point in time.

"I can't help you with that," Jonghyun said simply. "I don't know how."

Minhyun's expression stiffened. "Well, I shouldn't have."

He walked away and brushed off the sand on his clothes as he stepped onto the porch. Jonghyun didn't know how to read into his words, how to soothe the burn in his soul. This was the deepest conversation they shared in weeks. Maybe it would have been better if Jonghyun didn't find out that _he_ was Minhyun's biggest regret.

 

 

———

 

 

The night was young, but Seongwoo and Daniel wanted to start the party as soon as possible— not that they haven't been drinking the whole day, but it was more of a formality and an invitation for Minhyun to finally crack open his first can of the night. A dare. Minhyun sighed before he took the beer that Hyunbin had been offering him for the past ten minutes.

"The deed is done! The night has begun!" said Hyunbin, and he laughed as Minhyun attempted to hit his head.

"Ugh, still no fun. We all know each other too well," Daniel said. Jonghyun and Minhyun shared a look. "I mean, give Minhyun another bottle and he's going to be a flirty drunk already."

"Not true!" said Minhyun, but his indignation was disrupted by the sudden aftertaste of the beer he was drinking. "Do you guys purposely choose the most piss-tasting beer just to piss me off?"

"Yes," Jonghyun said, and Minhyun narrowed his eyes at the playful smirk on Jonghyun's face.

"See, flirty drunk Hwang Minhyun isn't even fun because the only person he'd dare hit on in this room is Jonghyun." Seongwoo took a thoughtful sip. "Okay, he _might_ try hitting on himself if we give him three cans."

"You wanna give it a go?" asked Hyunbin, already digging into their cooler.

Minhyun sank down on the couch. "I hate you all."

The night wasn't boring, definitely not. Sure, they all knew each other too well, and their drunken antics were nothing new, but the fact that they were too close just made it easier to push each other's buttons just right and to cause the mess that they wanted in the first place.

"Truth or dare, sad drunk Kim Jonghyun," said Daniel. Hyunbin giggled on his lap, and then he continued giggling until he almost passed out.

“I am _not_ drunk, and I am definitely _not_ sad right now,” said Jonghyun, though the pout in his voice was more pronounced than usual. Jonghyun sat up, balance toppling over as he moved too fast for his brain to process. The still-conscious people in the circle laughed; Hyunbin let out a soft snore in response. Jonghyun knew that choosing dare was the safer option; there was nothing ridiculous enough to do in a private villa that would have actual repercussions on him.

Unfortunately for sober Kim Jonghyun, sad drunk Kim Jonghyun was an idiot. "Truth."

Daniel hummed, shared whispers with Seongwoo, before smiling and toying with the empty bottle of vodka that they had been using for this game. "Give your worst love confession to Minhyun right now."

"Right now?" asked Jonghyun, sober enough to know that this wasn't a good idea. He looked at Minhyun and saw him stiffen, staring deep into the depths of his glass. He wasn't looking up, wasn't responding, not even when Jonghyun was starting to crawl towards him. Jonghyun placed a hand on his shoulder and slid it down before curling into Minhyun's frame and resting his head on his shoulder.

" _Minhyun…_ talk to me. Please talk to me."

The weak pleas weren't the embarrassing love confessions that Daniel and Seongwoo expected. They also didn't expect the way Minhyun grabbed Jonghyun's wrist and squeezed before they got up and walked to their room. The two of them—well, technically three—were left staring, wondering if there really was something wrong.

And there was. There was drunk fury in the lines of Minhyun's face and exhaustion in the way Jonghyun allowed himself to be dragged around. They stood in their shared room silently, as they usually did, but this time Minhyun couldn't stop stumbling as he paced back and forth, wondering if he could find the right words.

"Why?" he started. "Why the fuck would you say that?"

"Say what?" asked Jonghyun. He was standing with his back towards the open window, and the pale moonlight could only show so much of Minhyun's helpless expression.

Minhyun stopped moving, but he was still swaying in his spot. "Why would you say that when you know it would make them think something's wrong?"

"Well, isn't there something wrong? Since we're _finally_ talking, why don't we talk about what actually matters here, huh?" Jonghyun clenched his fist. "Why don't we talk about the fact that we haven't discussed what the fuck just happened to you? Why don't we talk about why you've been avoiding me—"

"Is it wrong for me to avoid you?" Minhyun narrowed his eyes. "Is it so out of place for me to not want to share a roof with the person who ruined my life?"

Jonghyun stopped breathing. So that's how Minhyun saw him. After all this time, Minhyun was looking at him the exact same way that Jonghyun first saw the Reaper: with fury, contempt, regret. _Oh, how the tables have turned._

"Really?" Jonghyun's voice was cracking now. "You know what? It's fair. Maybe this is just karma." He paused. "It's not like _you_ didn't fuck me up in the first place, and that's how we got here, right?"

Minhyun took a step forward, almost menacing if he weren't drunk. "Don't you _dare_ try to pin this on me."

Jonghyun's laugh was mirthless, mocking. "What? You're telling me that what started this was entirely _my_ fault?" He laughed again, kept laughing until his stomach hurt and his tears started welling up. "I crawled on that temple and begged for Minhyun's life, not really expecting anything. But you— _you_ swooped in and played the hero when you didn't have to."

At Minhyun's silence, Jonghyun found the courage to continue. "You had a choice, Minhyun. I don't give a fuck about your _tragic backstory_ or how you remembered yourself in me or whatever— bullshit you try to use to defend yourself. I don't give a shit about _why_ you did what you did, but you have to fucking own up to the fact that this mess is half yours!"

Minhyun was standing still. The light from outside was barely enough to show how his eyes shined with tears, indignant but guilty. "No," he said weakly. Jonghyun was having _none_ of it tonight.

"Don't you think I hated it? When all your friends told me that I brought this on myself? On you?" Jonghyun whispered. "We both fucked up. And _shit,_ you saw me suffer. Now I'm watching you like this and it's—" Jonghyun choked up. "It doesn't make me happy to see you like this, Minhyun. _This, all of this…_ it's miserable."

Minhyun looked up at him, sad and sobered up. "I'm sorry," he said with his shoulders slumped forward. Jonghyun still couldn't find it in himself to take the first step forward. The chasm between them was deep, and Minhyun's words echoed down, down, down until they couldn't hear it anymore. It was meaningful, but it felt meaningless at the moment.

Jonghyun wasn't done. "I can't— I can't fuck up again, Minhyun. I did that when I first met you, and now just look at us." They both laughed weakly, laughing at themselves and the situation they put themselves in. " _We_ are fucked up."

"We are," said Minhyun, and a ghost of a real smile graced his face.

"But you're the only one who's seen me break like that. And I'm the only one who'll look at you and really know who you are." This time, Jonghyun took one step forward, still too far away but getting there. "We— only have each other now. And I can't fuck up by losing you."

Minhyun stepped over the chasm and hugged Jonghyun by the shoulders, burying his nose in Jonghyun's hair as they swayed side-to-side. It took time for Jonghyun's hands to crawl up Minhyun's back and tangle his fingers into his hair. Jonghyun cradled his head, urging him to lean lower and rest his head on Jonghyun's shoulder. Jonghyun could feel wetness seeping into his sweater, and he knew that if he opened his eyes, the pain that had been welling up in him would spill out too. _It's okay._ It was okay to hurt.

"I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry—" Minhyun tried to get up, but his body was too heavy against Jonghyun's. It felt like they were bound to each other, not through a covenant or an imbalance of power but through desperation that they couldn't express until now. These past few weeks were a _waste of time._  

"I know," Jonghyun croaked out. "I am too."

It's the mutual admission of guilt that made them turn their heads to the side, lips hesitantly meeting for the first time in so long. It was just as hesitant as that time on Jonghyun's couch, but this was disjointed, _desperate_ in the way they kissed. Jonghyun felt himself cupping Minhyun's cheek, holding his face close even as they parted.

"I'm sorry," Minhyun said again. It didn't matter how many times he would repeat it; nothing changed. But maybe that was a good thing.

"I know," said Jonghyun. They kissed again, harder and deeper. Minhyun's knees buckled enough for Jonghyun to take the lead, firm hand on Minhyun's cheek clearing the path for Minhyun's hands to grip on Jonghyun's waist in retaliation. They had hands in each other's hair, hands under shirts, lips on necks, bites on bare skin, and burning eyes with a hint of sadness.

Minhyun hesitated before he tugged on Jonghyun's arm, leading him back to the bed. Was this really where they were headed? After all that had been said and done, they would fuck and that was it? Maybe that was what made Minhyun stop in his tracks.

"Hey," said Jonghyun, soft again. Minhyun held him close and hugged him by the waist. Jonghyun could look up into his eyes and see that hesitation, the fear that they would ruin something that they were trying to make good. "You can ask, you know."

Minhyun licked his lips and slipped his hands into Jonghyun's back pockets. "Do you want this?"

 _"Please,"_ Jonghyun replied. It was easier to move when they knew their boundaries, when they established things that were once wordless. Everything they knew was torn from them both; if they needed to ask, needed to know if they could fall into a comfort that they were deprived of, then so be it. This was recovery, building something back up after it was burnt to the ground.

Jonghyun fell on the bed and moved back, leaning against the pillows. Minhyun kneeled by the edge of the bed, in a stance that was similar to the first night. That thought made Jonghyun smile, but that quickly faded when he met Minhyun's eyes.

They kissed again; this time, they refused to part until their lungs burned. Jonghyun clawed up Minhyun's back until he moved to take it off, and Jonghyun undressed himself too. His skin was burning when Minhyun moved back in, and Jonghyun released a breathy sigh when Minhyun started leaving wet kisses on his bare skin. Jonghyun couldn't even get up and pay back the favor; Minhyun's grip on his hips were too tight.

He hated this, hated the thought that he was helpless in any way. "Get up here," Jonghyun said, and as soon as Minhyun let him go, Jonghyun flipped them over. He straddled Minhyun's hips, and maybe his smile was a little too pleased when he felt Minhyun's helplessness.

Again, his smile faded away when he looked into Minhyun's eyes. There was still sadness there, hesitation and regret that Jonghyun had long since stored away. Jonghyun cupped his face. "Look at me."

"I am," said Minhyun, but his voice was still empty, too quiet.

"Please," Jonghyun whispered, "look at me without looking like _that._ "

"Like what?"

"Like you regret everything." Minhyun gaped at him. "I know what I said. I know that it stings to hear it. But _fuck it,_ Minhyun. We've lost _everything,_ so what more is there to be afraid of? What more can this fucking universe take from us?"

Jonghyun saw him mouth _'each other'_. The thought of that scared Jonghyun too, but why the hell would they let that happen? After everything, somehow the universe would pit them against each other or tear them apart again? God, wasn’t that too much already?

"We have nothing to lose, Minhyun. Can't we have this? Can't we be selfish again?" Jonghyun kissed him, deep enough to make Minhyun lean up and chase after his lips as they parted. Jonghyun stroked his cheek as Minhyun found the courage to really look at him. _"Minhyun, I don't regret anything."_

It would have been easier for Jonghyun to say that he didn't regret _everything._ It was easier to say, easier to accept, easier to believe. But it wasn't what Minhyun needed to hear.

And maybe, if Jonghyun were honest with himself, it wouldn't have been what he meant either. Sure, they suffered. For the longest time, Jonghyun did regret asking for this. Words said in drunken anger weren't any less true than words said in quiet fury, but Jonghyun knew he came to terms with their reality.

If there were nothing he could do to change history, what was the point of regretting it? Did it help to hurt himself further by hating himself or hating Minhyun? Didn't he just want to lie in someone's arms tonight and maybe hope that there was something good to look forward to in his life instead of having to live in the past all the time? This was real; this was _now._

Minhyun felt that. "You always know the right things to say," he said, and Jonghyun could feel the shape of his soft smile when they kissed again.

"I'm good with my words," said Jonghyun, a playful smile on his face as he trailed down Minhyun's chest.

"Good with your mouth too."

The stupid comment made Jonghyun laugh. He rested his chin on Minhyun's thigh. "You're annoying," Jonghyun said, but he continued to unbuckle Minhyun's jeans and slide them down his legs. Minhyun's smile was lazy now, expectant but patient. Jonghyun stroked his dick through his boxers; the slight shift in Minhyun's expression was enough of a victory for Jonghyun.

Jonghyun used to not like giving head. He used to think that it was pointless, that he was giving without gaining anything in return. He learned, eventually, that _this—_ the helplessness in Minhyun's eyes as he bit his fingers to keep himself from moaning—was just a part of the prize. There was also the way his hips shifted every time Jonghyun dared to go down on him completely, soft whimper sounding out when he could hear Jonghyun gagging at the back of his throat.

What Jonghyun loved the _most_ was being able to look up at Minhyun and seeing his reckless abandon as their eyes met. As hot as it was to see Minhyun fall apart, it was even better to know that it was because of _him,_ because he gave something so good that Minhyun couldn't help but moan out loud in response.

Jonghyun popped Minhyun's cock out of his mouth when Minhyun pulled his hair in warning. He sat back on his heels waiting for Minhyun to release the sheets he had been gripping to hold himself back. Jonghyun crawled into his arms and kissed him, laughing when Minhyun groaned at the taste of himself.

"Lie down," said Minhyun, and with shaky legs, he walked towards their bags. "Did you bring—"

"Front pocket," Jonghyun replied, and he took off his jeans and boxers before Minhyun got back to the bed.

"I can't believe you brought condoms and lube without even knowing if we were going to do this or not," said Minhyun, and he rolled a condom on himself before anything else. Jonghyun's scalp still stung with how hard Minhyun pulled at him.

"Maybe I was hoping this would happen," Jonghyun said breathily. They shared a smile until Minhyun was stroking Jonghyun's cock, spreading precome on his fingers before putting on a condom and going back to stroke at him again. "Don't tease," he whispered.

"I'm not teasing," Minhyun said, coy as he squeezed lube onto his fingers. "… not yet, at least." With that, his index finger traced Jonghyun's hole slowly, daring to slip his finger inside and quickly draw it back out.

The odd intrusion made Jonghyun breathe deeply. "Minhyun, you better fucking—"

He was disrupted by two fingers entering him, slow friction against his tightness making Jonghyun's skin burn in just the right way. Minhyun knew that Jonghyun liked it when he took his time, when Minhyun would do his best to draw out the longest moans from Jonghyun's lips. He was generous in this part, always making sure that Jonghyun was at the brink of impatience before he added another finger.

Jonghyun was generous with his reactions too. He wasn't always loud, but Minhyun knew which buttons to push and which threads to pull on that would bring out something carnal in Jonghyun, something desperate and needy. He thrashed about when Minhyun crooked all four fingers to press against his prostate, alternating between brushing against it and thrusting hard enough to make Jonghyun scream.

 _"Minhyun,"_ Jonghyun hissed, voice suddenly too raw, and that was enough for Minhyun to pull out abruptly, sitting back to watch Jonghyun's body curl into itself. Jonghyun's eyes were full of fire when he managed to open them. "You're pure evil," he said as he pulled Minhyun close with his legs.

Minhyun smiled as he hovered above him. He lifted Jonghyun's legs over his shoulder and supported himself on the bed. There was a brief moment of pure silence before Minhyun said, "Me too.” It caught Jonghyun by surprise. "I was… hoping for this too."

As Minhyun slid inside him, Jonghyun knew he wasn't just talking about the sex. Jonghyun remembered their first night together; _that_ was lust. That was a need, an itch that needed to be scratched. Jonghyun took the opportunity recklessly, knowing that it would distract him from his pain for just a little bit. Anything to take his mind off the crushing disappointment of never being able to be with that Minhyun was good enough; this Minhyun was right there for the taking.

This time, it was… an acknowledgement. This time, they weren't running away from whatever pain they had to deal with. This Minhyun pressed his forehead against Jonghyun's before thrusting harder and faster, and Jonghyun pulled him close to brace himself for the almost _raw_ feeling of being slammed against the bed. When Jonghyun pulled him close, he could hear this Minhyun mumbling his name, a breathy chant that Jonghyun could feel against his skin. When Jonghyun pulled him close, he knew it was because he _needed_ to feel this Minhyun, to not let him go, even just for a moment.

Minhyun groaned when his pace faltered, and he pulled back to take a breath. The sudden break in pressure made Jonghyun cry out, and he moved his legs to wrap around Minhyun's waist. Minhyun moved at a languid pace now, kissing Jonghyun's shoulders and squeezing his ass. "Ready for more?" he asked, and Jonghyun pushed him away so they could shift positions.

"My turn," said Jonghyun. Minhyun took that as his cue to sit with his back against the headboard, a glint in his eyes inviting Jonghyun to come closer. Not like he needed to— Jonghyun was on his lap in a second, aligning his ass with Minhyun's cock. Jonghyun knew that Minhyun loved eye contact, that he loved being able to see Jonghyun's eyes glaze over as he took Minhyun inside him and sank down with weakening legs.

It worked. Minhyun was louder when Jonghyun looked at him with burning eyes than when he was fully seated within him. Jonghyun placed his hands on Minhyun's shoulders and laughed at Minhyun's broken expression. "You okay?"

"You're fucking perfect," said Minhyun. When he cupped Jonghyun's cheek and braced his feet on the bed to support Jonghyun's movements, Jonghyun knew he meant it.

Jonghyun wanted to take the lead, wanted Minhyun to sit back and let him handle this, but he couldn't help but be grateful for Minhyun thrusting up to meet his hips, loud slapping of skin against skin echoing alongside their heavy breathing. Jonghyun was starting to feel the burn in his legs, but the simmering feeling under his skin was even more distracting. With each bounce, each thrust, Jonghyun could feel himself chasing that sensation, the one that seemed to jump at him when Minhyun angled his hips _just right._

Jonghyun cried out when Minhyun held his dick, painfully hard and bobbing along with his hips. "Minhyun, if you even try to mess with me right now, I'm—"

"Come for me, Jonghyun." It was the deep, warm, sweetness of his voice against his ear that made Jonghyun moan, ass clenching around Minhyun's dick as he came within seconds. His weak legs failed to hold him up, but the overwhelming warmth that surrounded Minhyun was what made him come right after, muffling his groan against Jonghyun's neck.

There was heavy breathing for a few moments, just warmth and tired contentment seeping into their bones. It took a lot of strength for Jonghyun to lift himself and pull Minhyun's softening dick out of himself, and he immediately straddled Minhyun's waist when he managed to move his legs again. He was able to toss their condoms away before his body really fell on Minhyun's, cheek pressed against his shoulder.

Minhyun was usually the active one in this portion of the night; now, he could only trace patterns on Jonghyun's bare skin and watch as his goosebumps rose with the touch. Jonghyun could only kiss his neck and inhale his scent, too lethargic to even lift his head. Sure, the hair sticking to his forehead with sweat was uncomfortable, and curling his body to fit into Minhyun's frame was a little awkward. Still, this was the most… _peaceful_ he had ever felt in so long.

"Hey," Minhyun whispered. His breath tickled Jonghyun's ear, and Jonghyun mumbled in response. "We should…" His eyes tried to blink away the sleepiness. "We— yeah."

"I agree with whatever you were trying to say," said Jonghyun, and the chuckle he received was soft and warm against the shell of his ear. Minhyun's hands were moving down from his arms to his waist, and Jonghyun was grateful that he thought of helping Jonghyun roll to the side to lie down. Minhyun looked like he wanted to wash up or get something to wipe them down at least, but his body refused to cooperate. Jonghyun just laughed at his futile attempts to sit back up.

Jonghyun held his arm and tugged gently. "Let's just sleep."

"You're gross, Jonghyun," said Minhyun, but his eyes were telling a different story. He pulled up the covers with his feet and peered at Jonghyun through the sheets. "Hey."

"What?" Jonghyun mumbled, feeling himself falling asleep already. Minhyun's hands were wandering up his chest again, and Jonghyun stopped him by holding his hand against his heart.

"… I'm sorry. And thank you."

Meaningful words. Jonghyun felt himself smile in the darkness. He felt Minhyun still looking at him, still gazing at his almost-sleeping form. Jonghyun couldn't find the strength to turn to his side and meet those eyes, but if he could, he knew he would see that warmth that he missed so much. He also knew that the sadness that once consumed him would still leave traces in the lines on Minhyun's face, and it would take time before that truly vanished.

The fact that this night happened, that he held Minhyun like this again, was enough progress for Jonghyun. They let it hurt, let it simmer beneath the surface, allowed it to explode in their faces until they finally managed to let out what they were too afraid of before.

Jonghyun only managed to find the strength to bring Minhyun's hand to his lips and kiss his palm. Minhyun cupped his cheek and stroked his skin when Jonghyun smiled in response.

As soon as Jonghyun felt himself drifting to sleep, he was reminded of a particular habit of Minhyun's that he hated. "Hey, Jonghyun."

"Hm?"

"You think they heard us downstairs?"

Jonghyun snorted. "I hope not." He paused. "… Probably, yes."

"Oh god, Seongwoo's never going to let us live this down, will he? I mean, we weren't even particularly _loud_ this time; it's just been a while—"

"Minhyun?"

"Yes?"

"If you don't shut up, I'm— I'm going to…" Jonghyun trailed off, not really knowing where he was going with this train of thought.

"What? You're going to shut me up?" Minhyun chuckled. "Very eloquent, Jonghyun."

"You're right," said Jonghyun, and he draped his arm over Minhyun's torso and hugged him close, tangling their legs under the covers and resting his head against Minhyun's heart. The stunned silence was calming, and Minhyun's hand in his hair made it even better. This was what he was hoping for: the comfort of a warm body against his and the comforting knowledge that this wouldn't be a fantasy when he woke up. This was real now. It wasn't what he wanted, but he learned to love what he got in return.

 

 

———

 

 

It was cold when Jonghyun and Minhyun got up and went down to the shore. Jonghyun was the persistent one this time, and Minhyun groggily put on a coat just to keep himself from freezing. It helped that Jonghyun's hand was warm in his hold and that his smile sent shivers of the good kind down Minhyun's spine.

This was a foreign memory for Minhyun, an implanted thought that he knew didn't fit right. It was painful to be aware of the lie he had to live. It was painful to know that the happiness he could clearly recall was just a fantasy. Time and time again, Minhyun found himself feeling envious of the real Minhyun out there. These memories in his mind— they were _real_ to him once.

And then he pitied him. The Minhyun out there couldn't remember, couldn't possibly know how happy he could have been with Jonghyun. The memories he took from Jonghyun were too beautiful, too perfect for someone as broken as Minhyun.

Jonghyun wasn't though. Jonghyun was beautiful, beyond anyone Minhyun had seen, but he wasn't perfect. He was broken too, lost as well; the guilt of being the cause of that was eating Minhyun up. Maybe that was why he avoided him for so long; he felt firsthand how dizzying it was to have lived two different lives in his mind and how gutting it was to mix up the past reality with the present. He was _sorry._

But Jonghyun didn't care about that anymore. Maybe he did, and he was just putting up a strong front for Minhyun to admire, to aspire to be. It didn't matter to Minhyun. What he cared about was how Jonghyun smiled at him as he woke him up right before sunrise so they could watch the light bouncing off the waves, painting the sky and the world around them with something indescribably beautiful. What mattered to him was Jonghyun.

They took off their shoes and walked along the shore, running from the waves as they lapped at their feet. Jonghyun laughed when the freezing water caught up to Minhyun's slow walking, and he pulled Minhyun in for a hug before they saw the rays of the sun peeking through the horizon. "Look," Jonghyun said softly.

At first, Minhyun was terrified. He was afraid that this was really a dream, that Jonghyun would just stick by him out of obligation and a sense of shared responsibility. They had to face the consequences of their decisions, and that meant dealing with each other. In the weeks of silence, Minhyun had a lot of time to think about that. He didn't really know where to go if Jonghyun decided that he was done playing this game.

So… what was this? Why did Jonghyun wake him up, drag him out here, just for Minhyun to hug him from behind and gape at the colors spreading throughout the sky? Did he have to do this— do it _again_ with this Minhyun? Did he have to make a fantasy of Minhyun's, a jealous and stupidly selfish wish of his, finally come true?

Jonghyun was making memories with him. New memories. _Real_ memories. Minhyun couldn't help but smile into Jonghyun's hair and hold him even closer.

"Do you want to… take a picture?" asked Jonghyun, slow and quiet. His voice was in awe, afraid to break this perfect moment.

"No. I just—" Minhyun kissed the lobe of his ear. "This is perfect. I want to remember it as it is."

The waves, loud against the shore. Their feet sinking into the sand. The sky during daybreak, soft and glowing all over. The sweetness of Jonghyun's kiss and the smiles that they pressed against each other's skin. _Perfect._

 

 

———

 

 

Seongwoo glared at them when they entered the car. "What?" asked Jonghyun, not liking how the corners of Seongwoo's lips twitched.

"We had _two_ _rules,_ " he said. Minhyun immediately sighed and closed his eyes. "Thank you for cleaning up, but the _volume—_ "

"I can't believe you managed to wake me up," said Hyunbin, groggy and hungover. "I was dead asleep and I woke up because of you two!"

The bark of laughter from the driver's seat was insane; Seongwoo couldn't manage to start the car with how he was doubled over himself. Minhyun was _pointedly_ ignoring the rest of them, and Jonghyun just leaned his head on Minhyun's shoulder.

"Oh shit," muttered Jonghyun, "I forgot something in the living room." Minhyun got up and let Jonghyun out. After getting his headphones, Jonghyun met with Daniel at the door. "Hey."

"Hey," Daniel said, _also_ giving him that stupid grin. "Glad you had fun last night."

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," said Jonghyun, though he didn't push Daniel away when he was pulled into a headlock.

Still, he stopped when they were still far from the car. Daniel looked back at him with a curious expression. "You left something again?"

"No," said Jonghyun. When he looked up from the ground, he smiled at Daniel. "Thank you."

"You're welcome?" Daniel's expression was clueless. "For what?"

Jonghyun saw Minhyun through the window of the car. Two days ago, they could barely say a word to each other. Now… well, things were different, _completely_ different. "This place did give me healing."

Daniel chuckled, and a part of Jonghyun knew that Daniel had caught on to whatever was going wrong with him and Minhyun. He didn't have to worry about that anymore. "I'm glad."

When Jonghyun got back in the car, he leaned his head on Minhyun's shoulder and grinned when he felt Minhyun running his fingers through his hair. "Rest," Minhyun said, and Jonghyun sighed before he fell asleep.

Jonghyun didn't dream. He was used to nightmares recently, not knowing if the ties on his ankle were anchoring him to somewhere safe or dragging him down to the depths. Now, he slept in peace, like a weight had been lifted off him after so long.

Though he did think of Minhyun, he wasn't sure if it was the real one or— well, what could he call the Minhyun that was with him? He wasn't an impostor, wasn't a fake. He wasn't a lie; he was _Minhyun,_ the one that Jonghyun…

… the one that he lived with; the one he could talk to about his day; the one that he could hold at night. This Minhyun was in his life, and he was happy for that— no, not just for _that_. He was happy to have _him._ Maybe that's all he would be able to say for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GOSH THIS CHAPTER WAS WILD i didn't think it would get this long, but then i also didn't expect to write 2k of sex right in the middle ……… lmaoooo
> 
> this was rly an emotional rollercoaster and it was so much fun to write it hahaha i hope you all liked it!!! thank you to everyone who's read and commented; i really appreciate all your support!! get ready last two chapters ;;;;
> 
> feel free to yell at me through the comments or on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien) or [curiouscat (/junfhongs)](https://curiouscat.me/junfhongs)!!


	10. Chapter 10

Jonghyun thought this would be easy. He thought that he could just fall into something that was dictated to him without thinking twice, without having to question everything. Unfortunately, nothing was ever easy for him— for _them._

At least there was a lot less resistance. There was more talking, more laughing, more impromptu trips to weird places in Minhyun's memories that he wanted to actually experience. There were kisses in dark corners, a hand on his back everywhere they went, and a giddy feeling blooming from Jonghyun's chest when he felt Minhyun near him. This was good, and it was real this time.

Hyunbin teased them once, told them they were going through a second honeymoon phase and that it was "weird as fuck." Jonghyun laughed, but his eyes widened just the slightest bit when he felt Minhyun's thumb go under his shirt to stroke the side of his waist slowly. The bar was crowded and loud, but that was nothing compared to the heat of Minhyun's gaze on the side of his head and the slightest touch that made Jonghyun so damn dizzy.

"You're insane," Jonghyun said as they stumbled up the stairs of their apartment building. Jonghyun was tipsy, but Minhyun was already far gone; this was the usual state of things.

Minhyun hugged him from behind and attempted to fit the house key into its lock, but his sense of coordination was completely off. "I agree," said Minhyun. Jonghyun rolled his eyes—groaning at how that made his head pulse—and got the key from Minhyun's shaky hands. "I should stop drinking."

"Ugh, why do you even try, Minhyun?" Jonghyun was laughing, and that just made the journey of _his_ shaking hands to the doorknob even more difficult. "Do you still think you were that heavy drinker I made out with a few months ago?"

Minhyun's chuckle was warm and quick against his ear. "Move. I'm freezing," he whined. His hands were trying to snake past Jonghyun's coat, but he was swaying too much and he could barely keep himself upright. Jonghyun sighed again. _This_ was why he should stop bringing Minhyun to bar nights with the others.

"I'm sure you miss your damn convenient homeostasis right now, don't you?" Jonghyun laughed in relief when the key finally managed to fit into the lock. "You were always stupidly cold when you were holding me."

"No, I'm not," said Minhyun, a pout to his voice and a hint of hesitation trailing after his words. Jonghyun turned to face him when he opened the door to their apartment. Minhyun's expression was blank, confused, helpless. Jonghyun's brows furrowed before he decided to take Minhyun's hand and to lead him inside before they both froze to death.

"You okay?" Jonghyun asked. Minhyun blinked before a lazy smile spread on his face and he stumbled forward into Jonghyun's arms. He managed to coordinate his limbs well enough to close the door with a kick. Jonghyun hummed as he was hugged close by the waist.

Minhyun cupped his face, cold hands slowly warming up against Jonghyun's face. He looked dazed but pleased, eyes focused on Jonghyun's. "I'm sleepy," said Minhyun, and the last thing Jonghyun saw from him was a pathetic pucker of his lips as he attempted to kiss Jonghyun before he passed out and forced Jonghyun to drag him onto the couch.

Jonghyun pushed him aside to make space for himself with half of his body on Minhyun. Even in their drunken state, Jonghyun was sober enough to stay awake and to observe Minhyun for a little longer. Maybe _admire_ was a better word.

Minhyun was different now ever since they got back from the trip. Jonghyun remembered making that decision to make memories with Minhyun, to live a life that was different from what they were supposed to know. It wasn't like they needed to lie about how things were when they were behind closed doors; being honest about their situation was what made this entire manual rewrite process a lot easier.

It wasn't easy though. Jonghyun liked to tease and to bring up stupid memories from their past histories whenever Minhyun was getting too comfortable, but all he received in response was a glaze over Minhyun's eyes and an awkward laugh. He wanted to bring back that cynicism, the acerbic wit that made this Minhyun too much fun to be with, but it felt like that Minhyun was _gone_.

Jonghyun's head was aching. "Ugh, never again," he mumbled against Minhyun's collarbone. He received an arm on his waist in response and the warmth of a body enveloping him in an unconscious hug. Jonghyun sighed as the object of his admiration smothered him to sleep; still, it felt right. This was good now. Things were alright.

 

 

———

 

 

They weren't. God, _fuck,_ things were far from alright.

Jonghyun should have seen the red flags weeks ago when the joy in Minhyun's eyes was a little too genuine. He should have felt it when Minhyun stiffened in his arms the first time he mentioned the other reapers probably watching over them and laughing right now. He should have known that nothing, _nothing_ good would ever remain good for as long as they lived with their sins.

Minhyun was starting to be forgetful. It started with little moments of blank stares covered up by his signature laughter, but then it transformed to whole conversations where Jonghyun felt like he was with a stranger. No— not a _stranger,_ per se, but someone who Jonghyun used to know. Someone who he used to love too.

Minhyun, more and more, day by day, was starting to resemble the real _real_ Minhyun, the one that was still blissfully out there. That always bothered Jonghyun; it felt wrong when that impostor Minhyun tried to melt Jonghyun's defenses with the warmth of the real Minhyun, and it still felt wrong now that Jonghyun had almost completely separated the two entities.

They _were_ different, but this Minhyun suddenly didn't know that. Jonghyun would tease him about the life he lost—they reached the point where it stopped hurting and reality was just something they accepted—and Minhyun would stare at him as if he were a program undergoing a glitch. Jonghyun was _glitch_ in whatever system was going through Minhyun's head.

Jonghyun threw up in the bathroom after another one of those fruitless conversations. He was dizzy, lost; did he hallucinate all of that? Those memories, so painful and _real—_ why? Didn't Minhyun hurt as much as he did? Everything was still burned into Jonghyun's mind, but his eyes mirrored the emptiness in Minhyun's when he realized that they weren't in the same version of history anymore.

He was on the bathroom floor, too tired to even cry, when he received a text from an unknown number. Something about this was all too familiar. _Meet me at the café across your office building,_ it said. _I have answers I know you need._

Jonghyun sighed, and the laugh that escaped his chest was bitter and tired. _Of course,_ the reapers had something to do with this. Jonghyun couldn't look at Minhyun—busy with his work, his boring life that was _completely_ normal—as he walked away.

"Hey," Minhyun called out, and his eyes widened when he saw the redness of Jonghyun's, "are you coming home for dinner?"

Jonghyun opened his mouth, but he couldn't give an answer. "I'll text."

"Okay." Minhyun's eyes softened, as they always did. Jonghyun couldn't close the door and walk away when he knew what was coming next. "Love you," Minhyun said sweetly, and the stupid grin on his face just made Jonghyun even more _furious._

He couldn't reply. Jonghyun walked straight out and took deep breaths by the staircase, allowing the cold air to fill up his lungs and shock him back to reality. He knew he had to meet this reaper, had to know why Minhyun was able to look at him with such pure adoration, something that Jonghyun couldn't possibly give him after all that they've been through.

Jonghyun could. He _could_ love him, but never in the way that this Minhyun loved him now. History—or its various rewrites—made it impossible for Jonghyun to give and give everything he had in fear that it could be taken away from him again. He needed to add that to the list of consequences and lessons learned from that one miserable night.

He saw Minki sitting at the corner, casual and calm as he spotted Jonghyun and waved to him. The air wasn't cold, and the atmosphere didn't feel wrong; this wasn't official business. "Hey," said Minki, and something about his casual demeanor disarmed Jonghyun. The tension in his shoulders dissipated when Minki slid a cup towards him and smiled as he took a sip of his usual order that Minki would _never_ have known through normal means.

"I can't— you don't expect me to trust you this easily, right?" Jonghyun said.

Something about Minki's laugh told Jonghyun that he expected this reaction. "I know. That's why we're meeting somewhere public, somewhere casual. I'm here as a friend. Can you trust that?"

Jonghyun remembered how Minki pleaded with him in that hospital room, even as Dongho opened the door for him to run away. "I do," he replied softly. Minki sighed and smiled.

"Thank you. How… is Minhyun?" Minki was playing with the hem of his shirt, and Jonghyun felt that he was being uncharacteristically shy.

"You know. I'm sure you've been watching us," said Jonghyun. The accusation was quickly shut down.

"I can't," Minki said. "Again, we can't meddle with mortals of our own accord. Even if I wanted to watch over you two…" He trailed off, and Jonghyun took that as an implied, _'I don't want to end up like you.'_ Jonghyun understood his point of view, and he agreed with it.

"We… had a rough patch." That was an understatement. "It took him a while to come to terms with things, and I wasn't exactly reaching out to him the way he needed me to. It was… terrifying. I thought he was going to leave at any given moment." Jonghyun let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "He could have."

"But he didn't?" asked Minki, and a knowing grin spread on his face when Jonghyun nodded slowly, recalling the pure relief of getting Minhyun back that night. "I'm glad you two found your footing."

"Me too. But after the rough patch, something else happened," Jonghyun said. He observed Minki's reaction, and the blankness on his face told Jonghyun that it was time for business. "I think it's your turn to tell your story."

Minki took a deep, deep breath. "I know you've noticed that he's… different."

"Very," said Jonghyun. "Almost like I'm living with someone new again. Am I about to get an explanation?"

Minki nodded slowly, but he couldn't look at Jonghyun properly anymore. "Minhyun is… a special case. Not a lot of reapers get their immortality taken away, and not a lot survive the first few weeks of that power drought. He has you. It made him stronger.

"But it also made him a threat," said Minki, and this was when Jonghyun's blood ran cold again. The reapers weren't done with Minhyun; they weren't done with _them_. "He knows too much, has seen the best and the worst of humanity and the powers at play in the world they live in. Hell, you do too, but we're not here for you."

"So? So what form of punishment are you giving him—giving _me_ — this time?" Jonghyun's voice wasn't cracking. It wasn't broken. It was _tired,_ accepting everything with helplessness and exhaustion.

"We needed his memories of his life as a reaper," Minki said quietly. "If it all stayed with him, it would have _broken_ him. He's lived hundreds of your lifetimes, and it just— it's _too much_ for a mortal to handle that."

Jonghyun couldn't breathe. So once again, _Minhyun_ was given a chance to live a peaceful life? He was given consideration and an easy way out of his misery while Jonghyun… was still here, still in pain? This time, he was _alone_ again.

"Why? Why does _he_ get to live a painless life?" Jonghyun hated the bitterness in his voice. He hated the fact that even if he cared so damn deeply about Minhyun, he couldn't help but hate how he was being cared for and saved from the exact same torture that Jonghyun had gone through. It fucking _sucked_ because he couldn't even try to be happy for him, not after all this. It wasn't _fair._

"It wasn't my choice, Jonghyun," said Minki, "but he _needs_ to adjust to this mortal life properly. We're taking bits and pieces of his thoughts for now because it would be too much to take it all at once, and we've done enough rewrites to history. There has to be some balance to our powers for a while."

"And then?

"And then…" Minki paused. "Minhyun lives the life that we've given him. Peacefully, as if nothing wrong had ever happened before." He took a sip of his drink, not brave enough to look into Jonghyun's eyes. "He will be Hwang Minhyun. He _is_ Hwang Minhyun. Eventually, there would be nothing stopping him from wholeheartedly living the life that he knows."

"Huh." Jonghyun was stunned. This was… yet another rewrite. This was Minhyun's second chance towards living a happy life, one that was _real_ because he didn't know anything else.

Jonghyun made the mistake of looking into Minki's eyes, and the brief excitement that he saw scared Jonghyun. "… It could be yours too."

At first, Jonghyun didn't really get it. What the hell was Minki talking about? Jonghyun knew that he had a peek into Jonghyun's mind in that brief moment of eye contact, but what did he dig up so quickly that made him this eager? "I don't—"

"Jonghyun, hear me out," said Minki, even softer this time. It was like Jonghyun was a spooked animal— though that didn't seem too far from the truth at the moment. "This is Minhyun's second chance. It could be _your_ second chance too, Jonghyun."

Suddenly, Jonghyun couldn't breathe. There was a force holding him in place, forcing him to listen with all he had. It wasn't the power of the reapers; it was the sudden hope that gripped his heart and exposed it to the world. He couldn't deny that the mere thought of getting the rewrite that he deserved brought back a bit of the light in his heart.

"Do you… want your memories to be taken away too?" Minki's brows furrowed as he tried to formulate his plans. "Minhyun will take his place in everyone's lives as if he weren't an anomaly. He's going to fit right in, and everything's going to be fine on his end, but on yours? Well—" He paused. "The only thing that ever forced your memories to be kept was Minhyun's terms, right? Nothing ever bounded you to that fate except for him."

Jonghyun nodded slowly. "Yes," he whispered. He didn't think he'd be this weak in the knees at a moment like this. He thought he would be jumping at the chance, _any chance,_ to start all over again somehow.

"So that means… you're free, Jonghyun. Free to make this choice, if you want it." Minki was smiling, inviting him to take this opportunity. "You can just forget everything. Live freely. You can be happy, with the Minhyun that's in your life now. Neither of you have any pain to draw upon; it's a fresh start, Jonghyun."

Jonghyun didn't know what that felt like anymore. He didn't know what it would feel like to wake up without some sort of heaviness in his chest. Yes, he was already used to waking up surrounded by warmth and comfort in someone's arms, but that didn't change the fact that the storm inside him was still brewing. Even if there were only little bits of it left… it never failed to hurt.

"I don't know," said Jonghyun. His thoughts were screaming at him: _why not?_ Why the hell was he so hesitant when he was arguing with Minhyun months ago over this? What was the value of holding on to so many memories that weren't real anymore?

"It's a big decision," Minki said. Jonghyun was able to look into his eyes again, and Minki nodded when he got the information that he needed from Jonghyun's train of thought. He didn't know which emotion Minki tapped into: the hope or the fear that was lying beneath it?

Minki stood up and bowed. "I need to go."

Jonghyun nodded. "Thank you for this. I'll think about it. And when I've made a decision—"

"I'll find you," said Minki, grinning now. "You know that."

"I know that a little too well." Jonghyun laughed, and the air felt lighter again. Among the reapers that Jonghyun had met, Minki seemed the most approachable, the one that cared the most but was wise enough not to care too much. Ever since Minhyun started forgetting everything, Jonghyun started to feel like he was alone in this world yet again.

Maybe— _no._ Jonghyun had dragged enough people into the mess of his life; Minki didn't need a complication like him in his life. Jonghyun would find the damn friends he wanted if he needed it so badly.

Before Minki really left, he turned around to look back at Jonghyun again. "You know," he started, "this is exactly what you asked for when you begged for Minhyun's soul. You wanted to live a happy life with him again. This was a really convoluted path, sure, but maybe the ends justify the means in this case?" Minki smiled at him. "Happiness is happiness, Jonghyun. You should take it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is ;;; the penultimate chapter omg  
> real talk: i am not ready to let this fic go hahhahah i'm sorry this chapter was mostly exposition and not much went on (especially in comparison to ch 9 lmao) but there we go!! that's the last plot twist i swear (:
> 
> follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien) or talk to me on [curiouscat (/junfhongs)](https://curiouscat.me/junfhongs)!!


	11. Chapter 11

The sight of Minhyun always made Jonghyun feel like he was living in a dream.

Not _his_ Minhyun, no. The sight of him a loose shirt and boxers in the morning was something that Jonghyun was always glad to wake up to daily. The sight of his smile as he saw Jonghyun coming out from his office building every night was blinding and beautiful and it made Jonghyun feel like he was coming home. The sight of his eyes as they met with Jonghyun's from a distance, any distance, was enough to make Jonghyun's breath stop for moment.

That still held true as Jonghyun's world paused when Minhyun, the _real_ Minhyun, stopped by his table in the café and asked if he could take the spare seat while waiting for his order. In any other case, Jonghyun would have just smiled and accepted the stranger's request. In this case, he was stuck between the familiar feeling of being with this Minhyun and the subtle differences he could pick up in a quick glance.

The Minhyun he knew back then was clean-cut, a little tired. This one was tired too, but there was something more carefree about his aura, something a little more dangerous but still as sweet and charming as ever. Jonghyun wouldn't have been able to tell him apart from the Minhyun he gave a goodbye kiss to this morning if he didn't see the three piercings and the eyes clad in eyeliner at five in the afternoon.

"Hi," Minhyun said breathily as if he just came from a jog. "Kim Jonghyun… right?" At Jonghyun's silence, he started his usual overeager act, the one that made Jonghyun melt instantly; it wasn't his fault that Minhyun was a naturally inviting person. "We… were in the same philosophy class in uni for a semester. Remember?"

Jonghyun blinked at him. "Uh, the professor always came in late, and she always smelled like—"

"Like she just bathed in alcohol, yes." Minhyun laughed, same as ever, and Jonghyun felt himself relax a bit. He nodded his consent, and watched as Minhyun settled across him, like a familiar ghost that Jonghyun wasn't all too glad to see.

"Hwang Minhyun," Jonghyun breathed out, "how are you?"

He didn't expect Minhyun's entire face to light up at the sound of his name. "Huh. I thought you wouldn't remember my name."

"Well, I was able to remember our shitty professor's favorite drink—" Jonghyun paused. "Tequila, right?"

"I wouldn't know from experience, but probably." Minhyun chuckled, and Jonghyun did the same. Jonghyun didn't know if that was the proper response on his end. _God, this was a mess._

Minhyun's hands were folded on the table, awkwardly tapping along to the background music in this tiny café. "Well," he started, "I'm good. Right now, I'm about to help my friends prepare for a gig."

"You're a musician? Or just friends with some?" asked Jonghyun. It felt weird to ask all these little details about someone who he swore he knew like the back of his hand a few months ago. Jonghyun was treading on unfamiliar waters with someone who he _swore_ he loved more than anyone else.

Minhyun nodded, and Jonghyun noticed how his eyes shined as he geared up for his next words. "Eh, I'm just a boring office worker. I sing in small venues sometimes—in this café on open mics—but I'm basically a band's groupie. Have to make sure they're afloat and aren't losing anything." Minhyun laughed and smiled at his hands. "It's more fun than you'd think, watching someone pursue their dreams."

"Really?" Jonghyun said. He didn't really know where he was going with this conversation. This was dwelling on the heavy side of small talk, almost as if they were jumping into a discussion about life and its fickleness. Jonghyun would do anything to hear Minhyun speak like this though; he'd do anything to have a peek into this Minhyun's mind, to know how losing Jonghyun in his life changed him for the better.

Because it did. Minhyun was happier now, and Jonghyun felt that.

"It's fun to watch people you love pursue their dreams. My bo—friends are all really passionate about this, and being around them made me want to step out of the world I was used to and at least try every now and then to let myself sing in public." Minhyun laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I'm not great at it, but it's fun. Fulfilling."

Jonghyun shook his head. "I remember your voice back in uni. I'm sure you're just as great, even better. I'd… like to watch you some time." Jonghyun knew he was going out on a limb by saying this, by suggesting an actual relationship with someone whose circles he shouldn't coincide with.

"Too bad," said Minhyun, and he flashed Jonghyun an apologetic smile. "I'm moving back to Busan for work soon. I don't even know if I'll even be able to help my friends out anymore or find a place that'll take me in."

Jonghyun sighed, but the deepest sense of relief sank down his chest. _Thank goodness he's going away._ "That sucks. I remember; you were really… something special."

Minhyun blushed the slightest bit, and Jonghyun found himself with a coy smile on his face as he took a sip from his cup of coffee. Minhyun was flustered now, but he cleared his throat and bowed in his seat. "Thank you," he said, and Jonghyun just waved it away.

If this were the real Minhyun—or at least the _other_ one that was present in Jonghyun's life—Jonghyun would have teased him more and waited for that laugh that would completely change Minhyun's face into something warmer, more familiar. Minhyun would have fished for compliments and laughed even more, and Jonghyun would roll his eyes and pretend that he was sick of talking to him.

Unfortunately, Jonghyun was reminded that this wasn't _that_ Minhyun when Jaehwan walked into the café and shot him a suspicious stare as he walked towards Minhyun. "Hi," he said, and a brief flash of recognition crossed his face when he finally got close enough to Jonghyun. "I… Kim Jonghyun?"

Jonghyun blinked. "So, Kim Jaehwan is your musician friend, huh?" Jaehwan smiled at the recognition and squeezed Minhyun's shoulder. Minhyun placed a hand over his and squeezed back. Jonghyun found himself staring at the intimate touch, and Minhyun must have noticed the slight shock on his face— not that Jonghyun didn't already know about this, but seeing things in pictures was different from seeing it right in front of him.

"My… musician partner," said Minhyun, and the bright grin on his face as he looked up at Jaehwan said enough. Jonghyun nodded his understanding.

"The van's outside," Jaehwan said. "We should go."

Minhyun handed his receipt to Jaehwan. "Go get my drink from the counter."

Jaehwan scoffed, and Jonghyun could feel his headache starting to bloom from the bickering he was about to witness. "Why do I have to? Besides, coffee is bad for your throat!"

"Well, I'm not the one singing, so it doesn't matter." Minhyun tugged at his arm. " _Come on._ I have to say goodbye to Jonghyun here."

"Fine. I hate you," Jaehwan mumbled, and Jonghyun laughed as he could still hear his grumbling as he went to the counter. Jonghyun noted how Minhyun's gaze followed him, and he remembered feeling that look trailing after him long ago too.

 _Right._ This Minhyun wasn't his. Somehow, Jonghyun wasn't afraid of admitting that.

"I'm going," said Minhyun, and he mirrored the soft expression on Jonghyun's face. "I wish we could have caught up more."

"It was nice seeing you, Minhyun." Jonghyun didn't know if he wanted to shake Minhyun's hand; he was afraid that he would evaporate at Jonghyun's touch. Was that a curse that was in place? _Right,_ there was nothing really stopping Jonghyun now, except for maybe the other Minhyun who was waiting for him somewhere out there, living a life peacefully with someone he loved by his side. Jonghyun didn't have the heart to break that fantasy of his— a fantasy of _theirs_. Jonghyun wasn't about to say no to happiness, not anymore.

Minhyun walked out with a grumpy Jaehwan by his side, laughing and talking as they probably usually did. Jonghyun felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders as he sat alone again; that was… an experience. It was like whiplash, back and forth, forcing him to gasp for air when he could finally see straight.

Did that really happen? Did he just hold a conversation with someone who he practically gave his entire life to? Was that really the result of begging for someone's soul: a feeling of accomplishment and joy at someone else's happiness, but pain at the thought of all he had gone through because of it?

Jonghyun brought out his phone and stared at his wallpaper. It was a picture of him and Minhyun on a bench in a rest stop on the way back from Busan. Daniel borrowed his phone and took a picture of them eating boxed lunches and laughing; Jonghyun only discovered it a few days after when he went through his pictures again.

That was just a day after he and Minhyun patched things up. That was the most broken they had ever been, but the truest to themselves they had ever acted. Jonghyun remembered waking up and promising, at least to himself, that he could live this life with Minhyun, and he could be happy. _They_ could be happy.

He liked observing Minhyun's smile and the subtle peace sign he threw at the camera so that Daniel wouldn't get caught. He liked watching them sit there peacefully, as if they weren't on completely different pages just a night before. He liked going back to the time when it felt like everything was new, a little broken maybe, but still ready to bloom.

If Daniel had waited a few more seconds, he could have caught a shot of Jonghyun leaning forward to kiss Minhyun softly, with a hand under his chin and the other resting on his thigh. Minhyun would have had the cutest expression of shock, and Jonghyun would have smiled against his lips for a moment before pulling away. Instead Daniel got a shot of something simple, something that calmed Jonghyun's heart as he knew what he had to do.

His phone rang. It was Minhyun, and it honestly took Jonghyun a few seconds before he realized that the other one he just met was out of his life again. _Back to reality._ "Hey."

 _"Hey,"_ said Minhyun. _"Are you still at the office? I'll come pick you up."_

Something warm and eager was bubbling inside Jonghyun. "Don't. I'm coming to you." Jonghyun put on his coat and waved goodbye at the barista who had been making heart eyes at him for the past thirty minutes.

_"Are you sure? I'm about to finish up—"_

"Minhyun," he interrupted, and Jonghyun got on the bus as soon as the doors opened. "I'm already on my way. Let's… have dinner somewhere there tonight."

Minhyun chuckled from across the line, and Jonghyun found himself grinning at his shoes as he took a seat. _"You're energetic today."_

"What? You don't like it?" Jonghyun laughed softly, and he looked around the bus to see if anyone was listening. "Maybe you'll feel that later tonight," he said with a low voice, and the surprised cough he heard from Minhyun's end made all this lame flirting worth it.

 _"I'll… look forward to that?"_ Minhyun sounded like he was trying to hold back his laughter. He had to calm himself down before whispering, _"see you later,"_ and hanging up on Jonghyun.

Jonghyun stared at his phone for a while before someone slid into the seat beside him. He was about to move to the side until he felt a familiar aura invading his senses. Time seemed to slow down as he looked into Minki's eyes. "Hi," the reaper said softly. "Weird seeing you here."

"Shut up, stalker," Jonghyun mumbled, and Minki's smile was too warm and inviting to be a reaper's. Sometimes Jonghyun thought he could have been any other magical creature out there— maybe a fairy, if those existed?

"I told you I'd find you when you made a decision already." Minki paused to think. "Have you?"

"I—" Jonghyun played with the buttons on his coat, avoiding Minki's eyes to stop him from looking into his thoughts. He didn't need someone probing into the mess of his mind, into the past and present and future that were all mixed up in his head. There were flashes of memories, emotions that were either real or written in his thoughts for him to feel, and pages upon pages of a story he had yet to write. Jonghyun didn't have an answer he was sure of yet.

But his impulsive wish was what got him here, and maybe that was what would get him out of it. "I did."

"Oh?" Minki perked. "Well?"

"I'm… keeping them. All of them." Jonghyun's hands started shaking when he saw the surprise in Minki's eyes, but they were both distracted by the bus suddenly halting, jolting them forward with the sudden impact.

"Sorry for the inconvenience," said the bus driver, yelling over some of the horns from outside. "Seems like there's been an accident in front of us."

Jonghyun narrowed his eyes at Minki. "Did you do this?"

"Fate told me something would happen along this road tonight," Minki replied casually as if there were absolutely nothing out of place in the world right now. "Don't worry; if someone were hurt, I would be over there taking a soul and not here with you. I guess this was Fate's way of buying me some more time with you."

Jonghyun paused and sighed helplessly. There was still so much he didn't know about this spiritual world around him, but he was a little glad that he wouldn't get to know it anymore. He was tired of surprises, tired of twists in his life. This would be the last time.

"Why?" asked Minki. "Why keep it? Why suffer? I told you to choose happiness, Jonghyun. This is… torture that you don't need anymore."

Jonghyun clenched his fist. Minki wouldn't understand. "You're right. I don't need it."

Minki's eyes lit up. "Then let's—"

"I don't need it, but I can't imagine going through that and just… getting rid of it all as if I weren't meant to learn from it," said Jonghyun. This was the part that was difficult to explain and to even understand on his end. "I met Minhyun today."

"Minhyun… the real Minhyun?" Minki asked. "From what I know, he's been living well."

"He is," said Jonghyun. He could still clearly remember the determination on his face as he talked about what he was doing with his life, the absolute joy as he talked to Jaehwan. That was someone who was living his life without anything weighing him down; Jonghyun was someone who wanted that burden in his life.

"He's different, Minki. He looks like him and laughs like him, but because of everything that's changed, I still felt like I was with someone else. Maybe in another world, in another time, I could have a relationship with the person that Minhyun became," Jonghyun bit his lip, "but I have another Minhyun in my life."

The bus started moving again, but Minki was still stuck in his position, staring at Jonghyun with confusion. "You… can't _possibly_ be telling me you love that Minhyun. Jonghyun, you're just making yourself miserable. _Why?_ "

"Because love is a choice," said Jonghyun. For once, he felt sure of his words. "I chose to stay with him, right? Even when I didn't have to, I kept choosing him." If Jonghyun stopped to take a breath, he would start shaking again. He couldn't afford that, couldn't afford to hesitate now. "I don't know why, but I'll keep doing it.

"That's something I learned from all of this. I just have to deal with it. I fucked up and I suffered, but I kept going because… I can." Maybe the only benefit from this entire experience was discovering how strong Jonghyun could be. The Reaper was right; instead of him watching Jonghyun until he reached his limit, it was Jonghyun who discovered how far he could go and how he still refused to break. Maybe that was fucked up, but most of this experience was.

"I'm sure that even if I lived in ignorance, the real me—the _whole_ me—wouldn't approve of it," said Jonghyun.

"Are you sure?" asked Minki. Just in time, the bus reached Jonghyun's stop. Jonghyun stood up and looked down at Minki before walking out. "This is your only chance, Jonghyun."

"Thank you," Jonghyun said softly. "I'll figure it out myself." With that, Jonghyun left Minki in the bus, ignoring the stare that seemed to follow him as he walked towards Minhyun's building.

Fortunately for him, Minhyun was already waiting on a bench near the bus stop. Jonghyun smiled as Minhyun stood to greet him, but Minhyun was staring at something in the distance. "Hey." Jonghyun hugged Minhyun at the waist and attempted to hide himself in his coat. "It's fucking cold tonight. How long have you been waiting here?"

"Not long," Minhyun said absentmindedly. When Jonghyun turned his head, he realized Minhyun was staring at the bus as it drove away. _Right._ He wouldn't know, but he's still connected to the reapers somehow. That instinct would never leave him, but Jonghyun could never explain the truth of the world to him.

That didn't matter now. "Hey," Jonghyun insisted, and he pulled Minhyun in for a quick kiss to bring him back to their reality. Minhyun smiled against the kiss and started walking when they pulled apart. "So, what are we having for dinner?" Jonghyun paused. "If we get takeout food for one more night, I'm breaking up with you."

Minhyun replied with a hearty laugh. "Really, huh? That's the line you're drawing? Takeout food for dinner?"

"Yes, precisely." Jonghyun couldn't speak over his laughter. "If you taste like kung pao chicken the next time I kiss you, we're _through._ "

"Okay, noted." Then Minhyun attempted to trap Jonghyun in his arms to force him into a kiss, but he quickly received a palm on his face in retaliation. Their laughter was loud in the almost-empty street, and Jonghyun felt himself melting into Minhyun's embrace as they walked forward aimlessly.

This was okay. This was familiar, not just in the memories that were written for them, but in that weird period when Jonghyun was exploring this relationship with a being that he didn't understand. The Reaper was a mystery, his interest was concerning, but Jonghyun was lonelier than ever. He'd take what he could get. Those were dark days, days when he thought that he was losing himself to this illusion.

Now it's real. _Really_ real. Maybe he could lose himself to this life, and it probably wouldn't be so bad.

"You know," Minhyun started, "you've been kind of… off for a while now."

Jonghyun licked his lips. _So he noticed._ "Really?"

"Yeah. I don't really know how to explain it, and I couldn't really talk to you about it, but…" Minhyun slid his hand down to hold Jonghyun's, "I'm glad you're okay."

"Minhyun, I've always been fine," Jonghyun said, but he knew that was a lie and Minhyun would see right through it.

He did. "You weren't."

Jonghyun chuckled. "You're right, but it's nothing now." He stopped and squeezed Minhyun's hand as their eyes met. This was Jonghyun's chance to be honest— with Minhyun and with himself. "We're going to be fine."

 _Minki was wrong,_ Jonghyun thought to himself as Minhyun smiled before kissing him again. It _was_ possible for Jonghyun to love Minhyun. It was his choice to stay, his choice to fight with Minhyun that night in an attempt to fix things, and his choice to keep all the memories of everything he had suffered through because of Minhyun. Love was his choice.

But it was a feeling too. The feeling of being at home in Minhyun's arms— that was real. The desperation to make this work— that was real. The thought of having someone who actually loved him, as purely and as powerfully as Jonghyun felt for him— that was _love_. Jonghyun wasn't about to let this go now.

"So," Minhyun said as they slowly stepped away from each other, "we're _not_ breaking up, right?"

It took Jonghyun a few seconds to process his question before he burst into laughter, hitting Minhyun's arm as they kept walking. "I _hate_ you," said Jonghyun, but honestly, he was glad to have found another reason why he loved the person he was with so much. Minhyun was _still_ the same: annoying, sweet, _annoyingly sweet,_ and everything that Jonghyun needed in his dreary life.

Minhyun wasn't afraid of showing affection. He wasn't afraid of dragging Jonghyun out of his comfort zone. Jonghyun remembered Seongwoo's words; Minhyun was good for him. That never changed.

So as they walked in the cold streets that night, Jonghyun told himself that all those pages waiting for his story to be written weren't going to be empty for long. Maybe he would start the next chapter with a few lists: things he lost that night, things he gained in the aftermath, consequences he learned to deal with, and blessings that he didn't think he would be grateful for.

One item all those lists had in common was Minhyun. That was a good start.

 

_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, we made it to the end!!!!
> 
> gosh, i don't even know where to begin. first of all, i'm so so grateful to everyone who's ever read and commented this fic! at first, the response was a bit slow (and i expected this), but i'm glad that a lot of ppl appreciated where i took the story and stuck to it even tho i was rly slow at some points hahaha
> 
> second, man this story rly took its toll on me but i'm so glad to have gotten it out haha i'm sorry for any plot holes or inconsistencies (and to those that are still confused abt stuff, pls feel free to ask questions!! i have nothing to spoil anymore so i'm an open book re. this story)
> 
> third, pls anticipate more and more fics from me soon hehehe
> 
> ANYWAY THIS IS TOO LONG NOW follow me on [twitter (@amenochieien)](https://twitter.com/amenochieien) or talk to me on [curiouscat (/junfhongs)](https://curiouscat.me/junfhongs)!! pls pls pls i'm so happy to have met so many lovely ppl and i get a lot of ideas from making friends and listening to everyone's thoughts (esp those who prompt me on cc lmao)
> 
> ALSO if u want to know the main inspiration for this fic, just listen to epik high's latest album!! it is truly [something wonderful](https://open.spotify.com/album/7dBLjyqanIMQ12Ck6I2xr0?si=SksnyZTcQiOXw646OqARwQ)
> 
> thanks for reading!!!!! i'll see y'all soon hehe ☆ﾐ(o*･ω･)ﾉ  
> \- junfhongs (francine)


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